These Suckers for Passion

[SleepyWitch]

hey, it rhymes :) sort of. I hope 'suckers' isn't a swear word in this sense?
should I say "those" instead of "these"? is it "far too long" or "FOR far too long?"
please give me some feedback :) thanks :banana:

These Suckers for Passion

Denying the other what each would have,
Drawn closer together by uncertain wisps,
They're fighting a danger that's ceased to exist.

Kind words ill chosen, rash thoughts well applied,
They've piled up defences,
Smug egos collide.

Circling each other at perilous distance,
Beyond cold desire and doubt's fiery tongue,
These suckers for passion have pined and perished,
Deceiving each other for far too long.

[ElizabethSewall]

I would say "for far too long" but I am no expert.
Anyway I like your poem Sleepy!! :nod:

[amuse]

i agree, the line sort of stumbles without "for."

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, I've changed it to "FOR far too long" yep :) it sounds better

[SleepyWitch]

alright, I've got to post some nonsense in here to push this thread a bit towards the top of the list ;)
nah, the reason I'm posting is this: one of my best friends says he absolutely loved this poem and blahblahblah... I'm not sure it's all that great, but it's a poem i've been wanting to write for a long time...
I'd be interested in how you folks read it... i mean, what does it express, if it expresses anything at all, how is that achieved etc etc .... so if anyone cares to give me some more detailed feedback, that would be much appreciated
thanks :)
- Sleepy

edit: Q to Virgil: does it have any cliches in it? ;)

[Bandini]

That was good. She was right about the 'for' - although you had already changed it, so I was confused for a minute!

[blp]

A lot of generalising, which stops me liking it. Explain yourself dammit. Draw us a picture.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I like the rhythm in this poem - it runs off the tongue in a good way - and I certainly agree about the "for" - it helps the poem's feel (either would have conveyed the same meaning - but feel takes precedence IMHO).

I do agree with blp on the generality of the piece though - give us specifics - even if they are ambiguous specifics that would be meaningless to anyone but yourself.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks everyone :)
hurumpf, specifics? yeah... there's a point there... maybe i could alternate the stanzas i've got with some more specific ones... like i leave it the way it is, but insert something like e.g. a description of the people in the poem in between?
would it be ok if the inserted, more specific ones were different in style/tone/metre/number of lines???
hehe, I'll get some work done on it when I've got the time (i.e. never :) )
- LazyWitch

[Jarndyce]

Sleepy, if you do insert specifics between each stanza, then I'll tell you now that my advice to you will be to leave the specifics and cut the general abstractions. Although there's always the exception, specific is much, much better.

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, that way i might just as well write a whole new poem, Jarndyce :lol:
wooohhoooo :bawling: my poor little baby, I'll have to chop it all up :p
well, let's see....

[blp]

Sleepy, if you do insert specifics between each stanza, then I'll tell you now that my advice to you will be to leave the specifics and cut the general abstractions. Although there's always the exception, specific is much, much better.

A simple rule that too few play by. And I can't think why, since it's a rule that makes the game easier to win.

[Jarndyce]

hehe, that way i might just as well write a whole new poem, Jarndyce :lol:
wooohhoooo :bawling: my poor little baby, I'll have to chop it all up :p
well, let's see....

No, it's not a whole new poem. It's revision. Anyone can write down words and ideas. That's not writing. Writing is revision. Writing is finding the perfect words in the perfect spots that will most easily and invisibly convey the meaning and emotion that one wants the reader to experience. It's why I harp so much on the simple rhymes and the abstractions. Abstractions and generalities fail to engage the physical and emotional reactions that are so important to poetry. You engage the intellect, it's true; but you don't engage the senses. You must, absolutely, strive to engage the senses.

The art is in doing that in a fashion that the reader doesn't notice...

[SleepyWitch]

wow, that was really profound. thanks for the explanation

[Virgil]

alright, I've got to post some nonsense in here to push this thread a bit towards the top of the list ;)
nah, the reason I'm posting is this: one of my best friends says he absolutely loved this poem and blahblahblah... I'm not sure it's all that great, but it's a poem i've been wanting to write for a long time...
I'd be interested in how you folks read it... i mean, what does it express, if it expresses anything at all, how is that achieved etc etc .... so if anyone cares to give me some more detailed feedback, that would be much appreciated
thanks :)
- Sleepy

edit: Q to Virgil: does it have any cliches in it? ;)
I'm sorry Ms. Witch ;) , I'm only seeing this now. I don't find cliches, but I agree with the others that it lacks specifics. It may not need too many specifics, just a little for us to visualize.

I was actually capitvated by the title. It really is a good hook. I keep wondering why they are suckers, and are you punning on suckers? :blush:

I like the rhythm too, but the rhyme is off. I think this type of poem needs the rhyme and rhythm to work in harmony, otherwise it seems to go off key.

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, no naughty puns intended, Virgil...
(it doesn't come across in the poem, but the idea behind "suckers" was that they can't help feeling passionately attracted to each other, although ppl are supposed to be down-to-earth and cut out nonsense like that... those guys in the poem are supposed to feel attracted to each other, but there's good reasons not to act on it -which probably does not come across very clearly in the poem- and they are sensible enough not to act on it.. that doesn't help much, though, and also they make life hard for each other by not acknowleding their attraction....) ok, now i've gone and spoiled a bad poem by explaining it :) :) :)

---> I've posted a new poem called A long-drawn-out Infatuation" in a new thread ("Does this engage the Senses?")

thanks for your comments :)

[Virgil]

hehe, no naughty puns intended, Virgil...

You might want to consider it. Could be one of those specifics and visuals we are all talking about. :D