The Sin , My first peom

[spacetoon]

Hi guys

Now that I'm a student of University of Bahrain and my major is an English, I've wrote this peom which I named it "The Sin" or you could name it as well " The passion of Ali" me.
Also Im just 18 years old and I know you guys are much better than me. So Im sure there are a lot of mistakes.

Please rate it out of 10. Also you can correct me If I made a mistake in grammer, spelling or anything else.

"The Sin"

That's my life that I'm in
The university is my sin
The wrath of God upon my skin

*
My fate went in vain
Spreads like a sadness rain
Wars, tanks, bullets
In my Brain
*
I have a sin
Dark sin in my dreams again
It's calling me, calling my name
What a shame
*
Fire in my deep inside
A strike
It's a sin
You wouldn't like
Painful
I want it to fly
Far away
From my sight

At the end, I thank all the reader who read my peom with an open heart and please help me and feedback.

With love...spacetoon

[jon1jt]

That's my life that I'm in
The university is my sin
The wrath of God upon my skin

An institution is "your" sin?

The rhyme scheme is convoluted---there is no continuity, if there is, it's remote.

vain...rain..."bullets"...brain
"sin"..."again"...name....shame
You get the idea---if this was intentional, it's not convincing because the first paragraph sets a tone, momentum.

I have a sin
Dark sin in my dreams again
It's calling me, calling my name
What a shame

The last line above seems forced, out of place, contrived, gratuitous

Fire in my deep inside
A strike
It's a sin
You wouldn't like
Painful
I want it to fly
Far away
From my sight

"You wouldn't like" ---In my own poetry, I never "feel" for the reader or predict their taste, and while you're probably right, you invade my space to think and feel, and that turns me off in a poem.

My fate went in vain
Spreads like a sadness rain
Wars, tanks, bullets
In my Brain

The stanza above works.

What I see in this poem is a great deal of feeling, but you don't invite me in ---by first thinking for me and second, by loading the poem with conventional words like "sin" which is fine, but I don't see sinfulness. I'm supposed to just take your word, but I can't.

Out of 10? 5 for a good effort and poetic chips that sparkle in my mind.

Thanks for sharing!!!

[Anon22]

What I see in this poem is a great deal of feeling, but you don't invite me in ---by first thinking for me and second, by loading the poem with conventional words like "sin" which is fine, but I don't see sinfulness. I'm supposed to just take your word, but I can't.

Out of 10? 5 for a good effort and poetic chips that sparkle in my mind.

Thanks for sharing!!!


yeah, exactly... show us what sin is suppose to be like, describe the sin, describe the actions of the sin, not the sin itself. What is sinful in your view?

[SleepyWitch]

My fate went in vain
Spreads like a sadness rain
Wars, tanks, bullets
In my Brain


hi spacetoon, i don't like saying anything negative about other people's poems (even if it's true and needs to be said).. so let me just say I basically agree with the other two, but the stanza above struck me... i liked this one much better than the other parts of the poem.. it reminds me a bit of some angry/helpless/sad hip hop lyrics or something... maybe you can use these lines in another poem...?
"the wrath of God upon my skin" sounds interesting, too!
keep going!

[spacetoon]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts about the poem. Just as I said it was my first one and Im not good enough in english as well.


yeah, exactly... show us what sin is suppose to be like, describe the sin, describe the actions of the sin, not the sin itself. What is sinful in your view

I hate to say what is so sinful in my view because it hurt if I say it. To make it clear, my university's life without my father. I know I didn't mentioned my father in the poem but that's how I feel about it. probably you're asking. Why it is a sin? In my view, I think Im sinned becuase I wasn't near my father when he was in the deathbed. I was crying outside and it's painful that your father pass away and you are wasn't near to him, in his side. I hate to talk a lot about this. I hope I make it clear to you.


hi spacetoon, i don't like saying anything negative about other people's poems (even if it's true and needs to be said).. so let me just say I basically agree with the other two, but the stanza above struck me... i liked this one much better than the other parts of the poem.. it reminds me a bit of some angry/helpless/sad hip hop lyrics or something... maybe you can use these lines in another poem...?
"the wrath of God upon my skin" sounds interesting, too!
keep going!

Yeah, I like it too and even my friends like it becuase I think it make a little sense to them. It shows how really I feel so sinful about my life.

Thank you again and I hope I write much better than this one.