opinions?

[mir]

sort of a weird poem but - does anyone have any feedback?

Falling
The ground is so far,
So close, so hard.
Catch me! –
No one there
Falling so fast,
Don’t close your eyes
Can’t open them.
Never hit,
Only fall
And your stomach,
Like a rock
In your mouth
Silent scream –
Don’t scream
Aloud.
Don’t scream –
Or you’ll never know what happens
When you hit.
Never hit.
Always scream.
Or wake, shivering
Lights come on, parents rush in –
Or the house stays dark
Shadows miles deep
Filling the room
Suffocating,
Pressing
Body into bed.
Don’t scream.
You’ll never hit the ground.

[Riesa]

Very nightmarish, that's for sure.
I really like this:


Shadows miles deep
Filling the room

The rhythm is good as well, very disturbing.

[genoveva]

I like the last line! Try condensing by eliminating some words.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

It's about one of those dreams where you're falling, right?

I agree with gen, it repeats itself a bit - needs trimming. There's some good ideas, but they need presenting better with less filler.

I get the impression that you just wrote it in a rush and then posted (if I'm wrong, please forgive me!). I think you need to spend more time arranging the words/lines and giving the poem some overall structure.

I hope that seemed constructive, it was meant to be.

XC

[Virgil]

It waswell done. I got the feeling. But I have one big criticsim. Whenever a poem or story ends with, it was only a dream, I feel enormously disapointed. What was the point if it wasn't anything but a dream?

[mir]

yeah - i don't usually edit my stuff unless i get some feedback. i actually think that things have just as much point if they're dreams than if they're anything else - the whole idea of life, the basis of it, is emotions - and dreams evoke just as much emotions as anything else. so it's not what it truly is in the end, dream or reality, but how you feel along the way that matters. but then, i'm a hypocrite, because it bugs me too sometimes when stories end like that. i'll work on it. : ) thanks for your feedback, everyone!

[sdr4jc]

I think it's fine just how it is. It's lovely, it reads very smooth, and the lines with many words are a perfect balance for the lines with two or three words. And I believe that it is okay to end in a dream. Such is poetry, at it's heart. 'Tis but our dreams and imaginations!

Carry on, Mir! Loved it.

[jon1jt]

This is what I call fine poetry, what else can I say? Exquisite!

[pope_VI]

loved it, dark but hopeful, thanks for sharing

[Doctor Boogaloo]

I have to agree with Xamonas. The piece seems rushed (and I'm not referring to the pace of the poem).
Give the reader something to grab on to during this hurtling descent. Why is this happening?
You use the first words that come to mind, ie. far, hard, fast, hit, etc. Work the language harder. Don't use 'rock' when you mean 'marble', for example. If there's fear involved, make your readers taste it and smell it.
And the line 'Or you'll never know what happens' just rips the whole thing to shreds.
Still... I've said it before and I'll say it again, poetry takes guts. Thanks for having the courage to solicit comments like mine.
And keep writing.
Never stop writing.