Rectum? Hell no. Damn near killed him.

[Doctor Boogaloo]

Anyone have a favourite pun, malapropism, etc.?
This is lame, I know. But it's getting late and I'm drunk.

[rachel]

what an interesting guy you are. You drunk, you? never. I bet you can drink a vat of whatever and still tap dance on a tight rope.

"I've been doing the Fonda workout.The Peter Fonda workout. That is where I get up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint and go to my sister's house to ask for her money."Kevin Meany :banana:

[beer good]

I love puns.

Bill Hicks (RIP) said about the Kennedy assassination and the supposed impossibility of Oswald hitting the car from the window (posted here solely for the exquisitely bad pun at the end):
Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Surely someone would have seen that?!? Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade... You know, there were rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars; someone overhead them saying 'coup, coup'.

[papayahed]

I love puns.

Bill Hicks (RIP) said about the Kennedy assassination and the supposed impossibility of Oswald hitting the car from the window (posted here solely for the exquisitely bad pun at the end):


:lol: Now that's funny.

[The Unnamable]

Anyone have a favourite pun, malapropism, etc.?
This is lame, I know. But it's getting late and I'm drunk.
What about the story of the man who accompanied his wife to the doctor to receive the results of her tests? She had been suffering from sharp chest pains. The doctor opened his file and said, “I must tell you, your wife has acute angina.”
To which the man replied, “thank you very much doctor, but I thought we were supposed to be discussing her heart.”

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Or the man that returned home, dressed head to toe in brand new Armani.

When his wife asked him why on Earth he'd spent do much money on a suit of clothes he replied, "Well, I went to see the doctor for the fertility test results; and if I'm impotent, I'm going to dress impotent!"

[Virgil]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[rachel]

oh to remember grade seven again. thanks Virgil.

Hey Beer, in the movie The Wrong Guy the hero Nelson hitches a ride from a complete crazy who believes everything is a conspiracy and all murders of CEOs are carried out by Cuban asassins. The driver questions him about the Kennedy murder and asks if he knew how many really were part of the dark deed. Nelson answers and the guys shakes his head says "Noone murdered him. His head just did that. I call it the no gunman theory."

The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to act quickly so I contacted my Pawn broker.

[beer good]

Rachel: :lol:

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of Guinness" says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe, seeing this, starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on! The man gets half way down and the Giraffe's only on number four. Then, with an amazing burst of speed, the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead. But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half-way, then falls off the bar stool, and passes out on the floor. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave. "Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!" Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

[rachel]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Please please please Beer, come to my next birthday party. please.

[beer good]

Hehe. Would love to, Rachel. Just need to get a canoe stable enough to cross the pond in.

***

A Harvard economist had a summer house in the Maine woods. One summer he invited a friend from the Czech Republic to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along came two huge bears. The economist dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole. The economist ran back to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the economist. Sure enough, both bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the economist, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatd'ya do that for?!" exclaimed the economist, "I said he was in the other!" "Yep," said the sheriff, "and would YOU believe an economist who told you the Czech was in the Male?"

[Virgil]

:p I love puns but that was horrible. It was so bad it was funny! :lol:

[rachel]

It was great, and Virgil really did love it or he wouldn't bother posting.

I feel queasy but I am good with it.

[beer good]

Can't let this thread die, so here are the top 10 puns ever as voted by some anonymous e-mail I got:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so ... thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a... wait for it... ready? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted a list of ten different puns at litnet, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make readers laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

A man walks into a café in Liverpool, right on the banks of the fragrant river Mersey, and sees a sign saying, "If you ask for a type of tea we don't stock, you can drink here free for a week!" Being a bit of a clever sod, he asks for a cup of Koala bear tea, certain that it will not be forthcoming. The waitress disappears into a back room and returns with a large cup of the requested brew. The customer, somewhat dismayed but impressed nevertheless, sips this strange concoction and chokes as a large chunk of koala flesh, still with fur attached, finds it's way into his mouth.

He complains to the waitress who replies (in her best Shakepearean tones), "Didn't you know? The koala tea of Mersey is not strained!"

[emily655321]

Hahahaha!! :lol:

Beer, those are awesome. I can't pick a favorite.

[chmpman]

He complains to the waitress who replies (in her best Shakepearean tones), "Didn't you know? The koala tea of Mersey is not strained!"

This one took me a minute to get. Haha.

[RobinHood3000]

Okay, heard a joke based on one of those...

What did the goldfish say when it ran into a concrete wall?
DAM!!

What did the pig say when it ran into a concrete wall?
DAM!!

What did the idiot say when he ran into a concrete wall?
"Who put the pig and the goldfish here?"

It's funnier delivered orally--like most medications.

[beer good]

He complains to the waitress who replies (in her best Shakepearean tones), "Didn't you know? The koala tea of Mersey is not strained!"
This may say more about me than about the quality of that joke, but I just laughed out loud for a couple of minutes in front of my computer. Beautiful. :lol:

[Xamonas Chegwe]

This may say more about me than about the quality of that joke, but I just laughed out loud for a couple of minutes in front of my computer. Beautiful. :lol:

Probably the thought of a scouser with a "best Shakespearean accent". :lol:

[rachel]

that was absolutely the best best best xc. how funny you are. but then I guess you know that.
Beer I like that you can laugh out loud at work. and no one hurt you or gave you extra time without pay? wow.

[The Unnamable]

How about the January sale at a vendor of camping equipment:

“Now is the winter of our discount tents.”

[rachel]

yay I love that. people in this snoozing little city are totally recreationally minded, many, well it seems like half the population are retired.I would love to sneak a sign that says that up and see if one person gets it. Well of course the retired teachers will but...(i'll take me camcorder-unnameable check out the thread my hugs are banished to.)

[B-Mental]

lol, i must've been away for these.

[Logos]

Hahahaaa! great bump! :lol:

[Pendragon]

Man to his wife: "See! See! And you keep saying I ain't sick but this makes the 12th doctor to make the same diagnosis! I have hypochondria! Now, how do we go about treating it, Doc?"

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Doc.gif

[kiobe]

Cantlope. Watermellon? Idaho, Alaska.

[Lily Adams]

I adore puns!

My dad always makes ones up. Really good ones. One that I remember is that he was working on a job (he's a carpenter) and there was one of his painter friends who misplaced a bucket of paint. My dad said, "Maybe it was a pigment of your imagination."

[B-Mental]

A work crew is painting a church. They are well into the job when the supervisor realises that he hasn't enough paint to finish the job. The supervisor decides to make his paint go further he will use paint thinner, and thereby be able to paint the entire church without having to go and get more paint. The crew is just finishing the job, when a sudden thunderstorm comes and washes off all of the thinned out paint before it has dried. The pastor comes out of the church, sees what has happened, points a finger at the supervisor and bellows, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

[kiz_paws]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field. :lol:

[metal134]

I love puns.

Bill Hicks (RIP) said about the Kennedy assassination and the supposed impossibility of Oswald hitting the car from the window (posted here solely for the exquisitely bad pun at the end):

Bill Hicks is my absolute favorite comedian of all-time. My favorite part of that bit you decribe is when he talks about the book depository being turned into The Assasination Museum and he said, "They have it set up to look exactly like it did on that day, and it's real accurate... cause Oswald's not in it."

[kiz_paws]

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroids ;)

[Noisms]

There's these two birds sitting on a perch, and one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

[B-Mental]

This is one of my favorite threads, read it front to back.

Bump

[barbara0207]

So did I.

How about this one:

After the birth of their first child the young couple had a very strained life. They could only get some rest after son-down.

[metal134]

never mind, wrong thread

[AuntShecky]

The Cyclops and his wife got divorced. They just didn't see
eye to eye.

[Jane Jane]

This one is for my auntie Hannah and uncle Bennie.

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

[kilted exile]

Did you hear about the wooden car?

It wooden go:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I crack me up

[AuntShecky]

The Cyclops and his wife got divorced. They just didn't see
eye to eye.

The same thing happened to a couple of egotists:

they didn't see "I" to "I"

[Jane Jane]

This all takes me back to grade four and I remember how when my brother or I would begin to tell the puns we learned during recess at school the room would suddenly be empty, teli off and we would be left staring at one another.