Static

[jon1jt]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO

[Babyguile]

Static. It loves to wed itself in the
wilderness of things and then goes
Zap! when found, destroying
itself without a trace, Nothing.
Or, perhaps that's only the beginning.
One can't tell exactly how or when they
arrived, these infinitesimal charges,
buried in the folds of an old fuzzy sweater,
on the edge of a cookie jar or fridge handle.
between fingers caught in a Michelangelo
pose. Perhaps they conspire with the
wind, set ajar when their time's up, to settle
within crystal chips shimmering on the surface
of a duck pond somewhere, wondrously
gazing at a brilliant star-filled sky, each reflecting
the Other; when recharged, perhaps, they wait for
one ripe moment to melt into the ether,
strike up old conversations with this house,
past the dog rolling around the carpet,
out back to where a couple cocktail glasses
reflect the threshold of uber-sensual
bodies, one's found, Zap!

That's utterly rubbish.

[Virgil]

jon - I like it. "wed itself in the /wilderness of things " - Great line. And this section is the best:

Perhaps they conspire with the
wind, set ajar when their time's up, to settle
within crystal chips shimmering on the surface
of a duck pond somewhere, wondrously
gazing at a brilliant star-filled sky, each reflecting
the Other
A couple of rough spots that need ironing out: "between fingers caught in a Michelangelo /pose." I don't understand that. And why does it over run the line. If you have reasons for that, then fine, I just don't see it.
And "destroying /itself without a trace, Nothing." A rather mundane uninteresting line. If one writes about something that's common, one has to have extra energy in the lines.

I really like this too:

when recharged, perhaps, they wait for
one ripe moment to melt into the ether,
strike up old conversations with this house,
past the dog rolling around the carpet,
Cool. anyone that puts a dog into a poem warms my heart.

[jon1jt]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I really liked the Michaelangelo line. I was going to post earlier that it was my favourite but I didn't have time - but I probably think that because I 'got it' (smug face).

I was thinking that the line-structure seemed a little confused; random even. I felt it would have worked better in a more usual format. You say that it was experimental. What exactly was the idea you were working to? Very good imagery though - I liked it.

The Dave needs to take honest criticism better; but then again, he is young. He can learn the former; I can never acheive the latter again.

XC

[Virgil]

OK on the Michealangelo line. I didn't get it, but I did say if you had a reason to go with it.

BTW, you don't owe me anything.

[jon1jt]

This is ridiculous...why does this keep happening, duplicates? DISREGARD.

[jon1jt]

Disregard this...I don't know why this keeps happening...why can't we delete these threads that duplicate?

[jon1jt]

Please disregard this...I hit enter twice and it's a duplicate. Sorry.

[jon1jt]

I really liked the Michaelangelo line. I was going to post earlier that it was my favourite but I didn't have time - but I probably think that because I 'got it' (smug face).

I was thinking that the line-structure seemed a little confused; random even. I felt it would have worked better in a more usual format. You say that it was experimental. What exactly was the idea you were working to? Very good imagery though - I liked it.

The Dave needs to take honest criticism better; but then again, he is young. He can learn the former; I can never acheive the latter again.

XC

Thanks for feedback. You're absolutely on point---"Static" is a real mess, with strings of phrases and imperfect personifications, grammatical errors galore. When I mentioned "experimental," what I set out to do, poetically, for the first time, was try to imitate the essence of poems, structurally, that I have seen elsewhere, particularly in journals. I notice that, while poetry generally can be opaque, some poets present each line containing a trace or intimation of the poem's subject matter(s). In my poem, "static" the subject is obvious and very obvious is that the "current" runs through this poem top to bottom, there in every line. It's actually harder to do than it looks, which is why I ultimately resorted to a string of phrases. Here's a poem published in the journal "Pleiades":

-----
"The perfect energy transference
that was the power between us intimacy without name


what perfect statements declared through your chest,

they walk in and out of the each other's dreams.
-----

I'll leave it to you to "locate" a subject or "sign," then perhaps you'll better see what I mean. I have seen much longer poems where the subject is stretched, but it's there. I just thought it was an interesting approach and just wanted to try it out. Back to the drawing board! :confused:

Keep writing! Thanks again!

[Page]

There is something very playful about this that gets me reading it again and again. The Michelangelo line is beautiful.

[blp]

Somehow missed this when it was first posted.
'a couple cocktail glasses' is the error that stands out for me. Not sure I 'get' the Michelangelo thing. I assume you're talking about God and Adam from the Sistine ceiling, but it seems specifically like a reference to the old South Bank Show credit opening credits where electricity does actually pass between their fingers and I don't see how an American would know about this. I'd change 'within crystal chips' to 'in crystal chips'.
I don't think it's a mess at all. Very good writing.

[jon1jt]

Somehow missed this when it was first posted.
'a couple cocktail glasses' is the error that stands out for me. Not sure I 'get' the Michelangelo thing. I assume you're talking about God and Adam from the Sistine ceiling, but it seems specifically like a reference to the old South Bank Show credit opening credits where electricity does actually pass between their fingers and I don't see how an American would know about this. I'd change 'within crystal chips' to 'in crystal chips'.
I don't think it's a mess at all. Very good writing.


This poem is an oldie that Page resurrected from the dead. I agree with you, but I'm at a loss with how to improve those areas at this point. I made the change you recommended and that line sounds much better. Thanks.

[blp]

actually, I meant 'a couple cocktail glasses' was an error because you'd left out the word 'of' - as in 'a couple of cocktail glasses'.

[jon1jt]

Got it BLP - made the change. Much appreciated.

[jon1jt]

[img]))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

[Xamonas Chegwe]

What gives Jon? It wasn't that bad, surely? :confused:

[jon1jt]

What gives Jon? It wasn't that bad, surely? :confused:

Hey brother, thanks. My poems have run their course and I decided it was time to pull them. I'm working on some new ones though, and will continue to check in, as usual. Write on, X.