Why then with foreign trinkets *NEW* -working title-

[SleepyWitch]

here's a new poem... i hope it's not too schmaltzy and repetitive, what with all the questions. please criticize! thanks :)


How from such beauty he could flee
to foolish interludes,
I can't begin to grasp.
When in the frozen summer light she gleamed,
did he see only sunburnt skin?
Those gentle girlish hands,
were they turned into claws?
In all her pleas to save their love,
did he hear nought but scoldings?
Were not those slender arms made strong
to carry him through darkness?
And all her lively playfulness
behind a mask so stern,
was that not why he loved her first
and bound her up in chains?
And did not in her carefree youth
that untouched womb receive him,
bringing forth life from withered seed
to last beyond his lease?
Then at the silent hollow grave
did he not bury deep his tear-stained eyes
in hair of silken smoothness?
Why then with foreign trinkets did he have to toy,
when noble gold and rubies were all his?

[Petrarch's Love]

Sleepy Witch--This poem is great. It has a wonderfully natural rhythm to it. Right from the opening the sound of it is arresting

How from such beauty he could flee
to foolish interludes,
I can't begin to grasp.
I also like the "frozen summer light" and "those slender arms made strong/
to carry him through darkness?" Much of your poem has a very distinct and original quality to it which I really enjoy. You've also done a great job of conveying your subject concisely but effectively in your verse this time. By the way, in these lines

bringing forth life from withered seed
to last beyond his lease?
do I detect an echo of Shakespeare's sonnets (the early portion of the sequence) or is this pure coincidence? Keep up the good work.

[Virgil]

Has real potential, Sleep Witch. I like the feel of certain parts. What I like is the sound and rhythm you establish and then at times you hit a chord that is off key. It gives the poem a certain angst, if that makes sense. Here's what I mean: You establish the rhythm with the first three lines:

How from such beauty he could flee
to foolish interludes,
I can't begin to grasp.
And then what seems to feel like you're going to rhyme with grasp, you don't:

When in the frozen summer light she gleamed,
did he see only sunburnt skin?

And then your best lines:

Those gentle girlish hands,
were they turned into claws?

Here's where I would Improve: "did he hear nought but scoldings?" Too awkward. "bringing forth life from withered seed" - Cliche, especially "withered seed." There must be a better way to say that. And finally: "when noble gold and rubies were all his?" - Cut it all together. Superfluous. end it with "toy?" Hope that helps.

[SleepyWitch]

Has real potential, Sleep Witch. I like the feel of certain parts. What I like is the sound and rhythm you establish and then at times you hit a chord that is off key. It gives the poem a certain angst, if that makes sense. Here's what I mean: You establish the rhythm with the first three lines:

And then what seems to feel like you're going to rhyme with grasp, you don't:


And then your best lines:


Here's where I would Improve: "did he hear nought but scoldings?" Too awkward. "bringing forth life from withered seed" - Cliche, especially "withered seed." There must be a better way to say that. And finally: "when noble gold and rubies were all his?" - Cut it all together. Superfluous. end it with "toy?" Hope that helps.


hehe, I'll give it a thought :) thanks for your help :) yep you're right it's a cliche... wow, i didn't know poetry was such hard work :)

Petrarch's Love thanks for your comments, too :) well, yep I've read some of Shakes's sonnets but i wasn't thinking of them when i wrote this. maybe i was unconsciously influenced by them though :)

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I liked this a lot. And I half agree with Virgil (that's about as much as I'll allow myself ;)) about the ending. I think it might work better with the last two lines reversed in order (and maybe the 'gold & rubies' line rewritten slightly) - what do you think? That way, the title falls nicely on the last line. Just a thought.

Keep up the good work.