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Pensive
02-10-2006, 03:02 AM
It was the dead of night. I was thinking about my adventure. If only I would not have been alone in my house, I would have danced all night.

My parents had gone to attend a marriage so I was alone. They had strictly forbidden me from opening the door.

If it would have been another night, I would have passed it by shivering from fear nut it was a special night. I had done something. At that time, I had not realized that the adventure I was boasting about was not something great. It was terrible. It was bitter. It was a shame.

I had stolen the wrist watch of my best friend and I had blamed another class mate for taking the wrist watch. Actually after stealing it from my best friend Tania’s bag, I put it into the bag of Nazia and blamed her for stealing it.

In our school, stealing was taken as the worst deed and so, the stealer was to hand a large amount of fine to school otherwise she/he would be expelled from the school. Nazia belonged to a poor family. She was unable to afford such a heavy fine.

When doing that bad deed, I did not think of Nazia’s mother who was so kind towards us all. (Nazia’s class mates) She, who gave hand-made necklaces to all of us.
My jealousy with Nazia started with academic reasons. She was extremely well at studies. When she was not in my class, I used to take the first position and so was the apple of teacher’s eyes but when she came here, she got highest grades and left me behind. I, Rida, how could have I forgiven someone who had gotten more “A’s” than me.

Nazia was blamed by me for doing nothing. I had boiling lava inside me and I was always trying to find a chance to beat her in something.

At last I got the chance to get her into hot water.

What a beast I was, I even dared to look into those beautiful and innocent eyes of Nazia which seemed to be screaming that they had done nothing.

Ah, what a cruel person I was. I did a brutal deed and then I was happy for it.

I knew that Nazia would be expelled because she did not have enough money to pay the fine. I was happy that next time, I would be the one with highest grades.

While thinking about that, suddenly I heard a knock. I shuddered but I knew that the door was locked. It knocked again. I kept on shivering.

To my astonishment, a transparent figure moved through the closed door. I could see through its body.

“Hahaha” the spirit laughed.

I began to shiver badly.

“Those who get others into hot water do not deserve to live. Do they?” Now, the spirit screamed angrily.

Again, I did not have the courage to reply and suddenly the recent events ran into my mind. Nazia’s mother giving me my necklace and then Nazia looking at me with her innocent eyes.

I realized my mistakes. I thought that I was going to die from pain. I thought that what my parents would think after coming back when they would find their daughter dead at so young age of 12.

“I am Mina. I did a bad deed and then kept on doing them. I used to taunt my neighbors, parents and class mates. The difference between me and you is that I did a bad deed and kept on doing them but you have done it only one time yet but you can do it again and become like me.” Now Mina had tears in her eyes.

She proceeded: “Due to my bad deeds, I was doomed to travel like this and telling people that they should stop doing bad deeds. Maybe someday, God will be happy from me and may call me to Heaven.”

I felt sorry, sorry for Mina and for myself as well. I was also thankful to her as she had told me the right path.

“Goodbye and remember to share other people’s sorrows and happiness. Be kind toward others and God will be kind towards you.” She said and then vanished.

At the same time, my parent’s car approached. When they came, they saw tears in my eyes.

My mother said: “What has happened, dear? Next time I will take you to the marriage as well. Don’t cry”

The only thing I uttered was “Nothing happened”

And then I pretended as I had gone to sleep but my mind was wondering something and it was that whether Mina was real or was it my mind that was imagining things. After all, I was not cruel. I was good and I was going to tell the truth in front of my whole school that it was me who stole the wrist watch to blame Nazia. This thought satisfied my 12 years old mind. That was the end of my terrible yet an adventure which taught me something great.

Pensive
02-10-2006, 03:04 AM
This is my first completed story. I will be very much obliged to hear your thoughts about it. :D

Evergreenleaf
02-18-2006, 12:44 AM
This is a pretty impressive first story, I would say. Here are some comments that I came up with while reading:

I think that it's interesting how the narrator wonders if Mina is real or just a figment of her imagination; it's kind of like A Christmas Carol. I thought that Mina was a little harsh at the beginning, though, saying that Rida didn't deserve to live, especially since she starts crying so soon after. That reversal might be a bit too quick. One little detail that I like is how the parents feel bad and think that Rida is crying because she didn't go to the wedding. I wonder, though, why do you say at the beginning "I would have danced all night"? It doesn't seem to fit with Rida's guilty conscience.

Pensive
02-18-2006, 01:48 AM
Thanks Evergreenleaf for your comments. These have helped a lot. I was feeling too that I got to make some changes in it.

Evergreenleaf
02-19-2006, 01:02 PM
No problem Pensive, just glad I could help. If you want any other feedback let me know!

Virgil
02-19-2006, 02:22 PM
Yes, I agree. Very good first story. The characters are engaginging and the situation is interesting. Here's where I would improve it. There are powerful emtions in the story. A writer once told me that when you have such powerful emotions, the writer has to "earn it," meaning that you can't just present them in a short sequence. It requires dramatization and detailed description, culminating in those emotions. It requires length. So to make this a complete story, I think you have to dramatise the rivalry between the girls, have to describe the stealing of the watch, dramatise the expulsion of the "good" girl, and then dramatise the guilt that concludes the sory. It will be a longer story, but it will be complete. I don't know if you could post that long a story (probably 15-20 pages might do it) on lit net, but I would be interested in reading it. I hope that helps Pensy.

Pensive
02-20-2006, 06:45 AM
Thank you very much Virgil and Leaf. I appreciate your help very much.

Virgil, I am sure that these things that you have said will prove to be helpful for me in my next writings as well.

Actually, I wrote this short story to check myself. To check that how much I have learnt and gained and whether I am able to express myself in English. I think that this experience was not very bad but still, there is a room for improvement.