Disapointment

[water lily]

I'd really like to know your thoughts on this poem. I sometimes wonder if rhyming and too much attention too structure take away from the emotion of a poem. I'd also like to know if you can get at least a sense of what's going on in this poem. I'd love to hear your comments! :)


My stomach folds in upon itself
The clock shrieks the hour
I’m hardly maîtresse of myself
Nameless forces fight for power.

My external sedation is like cold ice
Overlaying churning tides
Whispering doubts, like parasitic lice
Eat away at my mind.

Ashamed courage surges up within me
Then withers and decays.
On the crest of a wave of bravery
I ask, hiding my inner craze.

Now she understands fully-
So ends the age of lies.
Her honest answer emerges slowly
Like a harrowing demise.

Her explanation, a swaying pendulum,
Vaults from rapture then to shame.
My clenching heart is a ruptured drum;
Something within has been maimed.

The imperturbable shell of ice is cracked.
I’m crying violent tears.
A new burden burns my back:
A pain beyond my years.

And her gentle arms enfold me-
Comfort from she who evoked pain.
A closeness holy but not free
Has suddenly been gained.

Our souls brush against each other.
There are barriers no more,
Relief comes with the torture
Of knowing what’s behind the door

[jon1jt]

The poem is well written, but I don't sense the words have room to breath, which drowns out the beautiful sense percolating beneath. I read this poem and I feel the urge to crack it open to let it fester. It's too slippery and needs at least a little grounding, which can be done with some fine adjustments. I suppose you're right that rhyme can be an impediment to sense and meaning. Yet, Robert Frost said, and I paraphrase, that writing poems without rhyme/meter is like playing tennis without a net. They're only guides, we make it go. Good luck!