Shalt I Love Thee?

[Theshizznigg]

Shall I love thee? What is thine cost? To give I, thine heart, to love I, with all your devices?
Thou art lovely in this place, young love of mine. A rose, you hold boldly pressed gainst your lips.
My love is likened unto thee, like the very dawn which pursue the moon in its endless affection and love.
The soft rises of your breath, your noble countenance endears me to you, holds you against my heart, so that I may not breath in your presence, yet utter words of love to you.
I love thee so boldy my heart does, your beauty unsurpassed in all the ages.
Look on I with thine favourable eyes, please give thine love to thee.
For nothing was ever clearer in my life, then the love of which I hold you, the love of which you stand for in my very eyes.

[Triskele]

sounds like shakespears, a bit more modern in the syntax though, quite nice, i much enjoyed it

[Whifflingpin]

"Shall I Love Thee?

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Shall I love thee? What is thy cost? To give me thine heart, to love me, with all your devices?
Thou art lovely in this place, young love of mine. A rose, thou holdest boldly pressed gainst thy lips.
My love is likened unto thee, like the very dawn which pursues the moon in its endless affection and love.
The soft rises of thy breath, thy noble countenance endears thee to me, holds thee against my heart, so that I may not breathe in thy presence, yet utter words of love to thee.
I love thee so boldly my heart does, thy beauty unsurpassed in all the ages.
Look on me with thy favourable eyes, please give thy love to me.
For nothing was ever clearer in my life, than the love in which I hold thee, the love which thou stand'st for in my very eyes"

I hope it is permitted and inoffensive to offer a version that is grammatically correct, and consistent in its use of the second person singular. Of course, you may have meant to shift from the intimate to the formal, but the words do not suggest that.

And, just to be a pain, the moon sometimes sets before dawn, and sometimes after it, (and the moon is usually a symbol of inconstancy in love) so that line, to some extent, undermines the rest of the poem. Again, that might be your intention.
In the same line, what is meant by "My love is likened unto thee" ? What is the "thee" here? Is it the dawn, or the beloved? If it is the dawn (which seems to make more sense) then perhaps it would be good to use the formal "you," just to clarify. "My love is likened unto you, oh helpless Dawn which pursue the moon in your ..."

Anyway, hope you forgive my criticism - I like the poem - would not have commented otherwise.

[Poetess]

^^I was going to do it too :)

but beautiful anyway.


But, what`s the great difference between Thine and Thy?

[Whifflingpin]

Generally, "thine" is used before a vowel, "thy" before a consonant.
"Eat thine eggs and thy bacon, my dear."

"thine" is also the (possessive) pronoun.
"Hers is here, thine stands on the table!"

.

[Poetess]

Great! Thank you lots dear.

[Triskele]

i never knew that, thanks whifl, is there a difference between "thee" and "ye", besides the connotations of their use?

[Whifflingpin]

"is there a difference between "thee" and "ye", besides the connotations of their use?"

"Ye" (just old fashioned for "you") was plural or formal use.

"thou" is the singular, more personal pronoun for subject (nominitive) case.
"thee" is the singular, more personal, pronoun for other cases.

"Ye are my people!"
"I pledge myself to serve ye, my liege"
"Litnetters all, I wish ye a joyous Yuletide."

"thou art my wife, none other do I have..."
"How do I love thee, let me count the ways ..."
"Glory to Thee, my God, this night,"
"Triskele, I wish thee a Happy New Year."