letters

[amuse]

from the kitchen
i navigate
D stairs
to the bathroom,
and L more
from there
to my room

once upon a time
i was afraid of
falling - isn't that
every pregnant
woman's worst
nightmare?

but then i became
excited so i stopped
just counting stairs,
i wanted to
teach you
letters too

your 5 year-old
brother has already
borrowed my copy
of war and peace
i was sure you
two would have
lots to
talk about
discuss and play
and well,
i'd better teach
you how to read
because i knew from
the start you'd be
smarter than me

so i would travel D
plus L steps
n times a day
to and from weekly
doctor's visits
(to and from the toilet
where my back and
brain and stomach emptied
i don't think one part
of me wasn't throwing
up)

and i traversed icy
sidewalks like they
were diamonds
because they were as
dangerous to my feet
as cut stones would be

and you were that precious.

and i counted
and lettered the stairs.

but like a comet arcing,
you fell, my peach
and the stairs crumbled
beneath my feet.

sometimes when i
lie below them
unable to rise
i see the stars
shining overhead
i count them
and i hear you
correcting me:
"No Mommy, no.
Not 23, 24, 25.
W, X, Y."

and i wonder
how you learned
those letters.

[Riesa]

Amuse, there is real pain here, and it comes across.
I hurt reading this, for you.
I don't understand the 'D stairs and L more' lines, Could you explain that?

Your lying beneath the stairs unable to rise, hits me hard.
also, traversing the icy streets like they were diamonds. It's beautiful.

[Virgil]

I think she means that the stairs are lettered to D and to L. I think the narrator is talking to the baby inside her. And of the careful process of bringing the baby to term. I too thought there was real emotion there (a mother to be's fear) but I found the language intriguing as well. Riesa brought up the walking as if on diamonds. I particularly liked this stanza:

but like a comet arcing,
you fell, my peach
and the stairs crumbled
beneath my feet.
The second to last stanza brought tears to my eyes. A very touching poem.

[amuse]

yes. i used to count the stairs so i wouldn't fall (there were 4 from the bathroom to the landing and 12 to the bedroom), and at some point i began to say their letters.

...thank you Riesa and Virgil for reading this and responding. this was hard to reread (for editing purposes) but i felt better afterward. as if i could "hear" her again.

[Weeping Willow]

This created shivers in my spine.... and tears in my eyes... altough i'm too young to comprehend...
I felt sorrow, (well i was feeling a bit down before) this great sadness wraping me over..
and i felt as if i was inside.. hearing the steps.... Wow...
Thank you for sharing amuse... i bow before you.

[Riesa]

I keep coming back to this poem, and I am aware now how I misread some of it in the beginning. Thanks for clarifying about the stairs. Willow said it best, this great sadness wrapping me over, that's how I felt too, even if I didn't understand it completely the first time. It is very strong. As you must be. Thanks, Amuse, like Willow said, for sharing.

[amuse]

Thank you, Riesa and Weeping Willow...I don't think i've ever appreciated people sharing their support so much as now.
...I used to dream about her. I'm sure she was very special. Maybe too special for me to meet. I don't know.

Thank you both again. It feels better knowing that I could communicate some of what she was to me.

[water lily]

Amuse, it is full of a sad beauty.

[Darlin]

This was really heart wrenching and lovely all at once.

[amuse]

Thank you...I lost my daughter 2 months ago yesterday. She would have been very lovely, and my heart is wrenched. Thank you for commenting on her poem, Darlin.

and water_lily...many thanks for your comment, as well.

-Asha

[Xamonas Chegwe]

It must have taken a lot of courage to write this amuse. It shouts with your pain but still has room for humour and beauty. I'm not sure I could have managed that. Respect.

[Doctor Boogaloo]

Thank you for posting your poem. It had a great impact on me, both as a writer and a father.
Cheers and best wishes, amuse.