"In Pics and at the pub the other night" NEW version

[SleepyWitch]

here's a new version of my first ever poem... hope this is better....
you can read all my apologies for being a bad poet in my other thread :)
please criticize :) thanks :)

In pics and at the pub the other night
Acting the boss
she swivels with poise
graceless and ever so slightly
out of proportion
the parts become one
the whole defies beauty
and, bursting description,
she sweetly jars with expectations

[Virgil]

I like it. I like it a lot. I even like the title. One line which I think can be eliminated is the first: "Acting the boss." I don't think it adds anything and the rhythm of that line doesn't seem to go with the rest of the poem. But it's up to you. If you feel it's required then keep it or change it so it flows. Read the poem with and without. I absolutely love these two lines: "bursting description/she sweetly jars with expectations" Excellent!

[SleepyWitch]

cool :) thanks for your reply :)
yeah, the first line is a bit wobbly :) thanks for telling me :) I've got no feel for rhythm myself...
I'll give it a though