my first ever poems

[SleepyWitch]

errr, i came up with four poems yesterday... i've never written any poems before and i definitely have no talent whatsoever for Shakespeare kinda poems or stuff that rhymes or has any kind of rhythm to it...
i didn't bring them with me today, but I remember one of them by heart. so here goes.... I'll bring the other ones tomorrow... this is the one I like best, though, if i may say so myself....
sorry if it's a bit absurd, i just wrote down what came to my mind (and restructured it a couple of times)...
please criticize.. thanks :)

In pics and at the pub the other night
Acting the boss
she swivels with poise
graceless and ever so slightly
out of proportion
the whole defies beauty
and, bursting description,
sweetly she jars

[IrishCanadian]

Interesting use of onomatopeia (did I spell that right?), you are able to make an intersting statement in very few words ... keep it up.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks for your comment :)
I did a new version of this poem last night... i think this is better.... at least it's not all short phrases like the other one:

In pics and at the pub the other night
Acting the boss
she swivels with poise
graceless and ever so slightly
out of proportion
the parts become one
the whole defies beauty
and, bursting description,
she sweetly jars with expectations

[Petruchio]

Nice poem!!! Its pretty different...........if I may say that!
I write poems myself!!!
Will post some soon............do tell me then!!!!
Thnx

[SleepyWitch]

hi Petruchio, thanks for your comment.
hehe, i posted this poem ages ago and completely forgot about it
i only write poems occasionally and most of them are crap,..

[Virgil]

Nice poem Sleepy. I enjoyed it. I wouldn't get hung up on trying to immitate Shakespeare. That is a language of a past time. Poetry deals with the rhythms and nuiances of one's language, which if you are still a living person ;) would be the contemporary language.

I actually liked you're original version better. The extra explanatory words get in the way. What you added was already suggested and I would say unnecessary. Very nice. :thumbs_up Now you'll have to explore writing poems. :)

[SleepyWitch]

thanks, our Virgil.
that poem is ancient :) I posted it there ages ago (so long ago i even forgot i wrote it!) and Petruchio revived the thread...
er? immitating the language of Shakespeare? did you get the impression i tried to do that in the new version of this poem???

I don't feel like writing poetry these days :) but who knows when the muse might kiss me (German saying; NO, the muse is not called Uncle Bernhard! :lol: )

[mir]

I love it, Sleepy!! I'm glad the thread was revived! it's different, and i think it has a really cool flow and meaning.

[Leon]

Is there any reason why the boss figure is a female?
The poem is a rather witty poke in the eye at all those coorporate big wigs, but i think you could easily make it a bit longer and funnier. A pseudo-conversation filled with market-ese would be really in character!

[SleepyWitch]

Leon,... she's not a corporate big wig kind of boss...
hum, maybe I picked the wrong words? hehe, it's not intended to be about that kind of boss at all...
I meant "acting the boss" as in she behaves in a very confident way, as if she was some important person/boss/ leader figure...
the reason it's a she is that it's a description of someone I know in real life and she happens to be a female :)

Virgil, mir, did you think she's a corporate boss, too? if that's the case, I'll have to do something about it, because that's not what I intended.
how did you 'interpret' the poem?

[Virgil]

Leon,... she's not a corporate big wig kind of boss...
hum, maybe I picked the wrong words? hehe, it's not intended to be about that kind of boss at all...
I meant "acting the boss" as in she behaves in a very confident way, as if she was some important person/boss/ leader figure...
the reason it's a she is that it's a description of someone I know in real life and she happens to be a female :)

Virgil, mir, did you think she's a corporate boss, too? if that's the case, I'll have to do something about it, because that's not what I intended.
how did you 'interpret' the poem?

You say "acting." I didn't think either way actually. I was enthralled with the motion and figure.

[SleepyWitch]

so you didn't think she's a corporate boss? that's good then :)