Thou Shalt Be My Destiny

[hemial]

Thou Shalt Be My Destiny

Thou shalt be my destiny! –
In thy arms my life shall end.
I'll go wherever you may send
Me - and follow wherever it may be.

Though wild thou art – I love you dear.
Thy breath be fatal – I don't care.
I'll fight for you though thou mightst dare
To leave my lying, dying here.

Thou mightst forsake me anytime.
But I won't leave you here alone.
And may my dearest friends be gone –
To serve you makes my life sublime.

My life, my heart for you doth beat.
My hands for you will fight 'til death.
My lungs do breathe your fiery breath.
My feet march on, where it may lead.


Thus, bye my love. Don't mourn for me.
I am where I'm destined to stand.
One day our son will comprehend.
Please - keep my mem'ries dear to thee.

[Countess]

I love the "old literature" feel of this verse. It sounds Shakespearean or perhaps like Poe.

It seems many of us share a common experience: that of loss of one we hold dear.

Well done.

[hemial]

Thank you, Countess. However, I did not loose anyone to war, thank God. What I am trying to tell in this poem is that many soldiers are far too patriotic and even leave their dearest ones behind - trading them in for the urge to fight.

[Sharkán]

Perhaps what some might call a "little thing" is the use of enjambent in your first, stanza/quatrain: "...you may send/ Me". Some people might not notice it, but I find the (for lack of better terms) "unorthodox" use very interesting. An admirable display of rhythm & rhyming pattern - it carried me right along!

And there's a genuine hint of Poe in the subject matter & the tone. It would be worthwhile to read some more of your work, indubitably. Keep at it.

[hemial]

Sharkán, thanks a lot for your praise - also for my other post "Love and War".

However, I do not yet know all expressions concerning meter and rhymes by heart and how exactly to use them. I have a wonderful book called "Words to Rhyme With" - a simple title, but an extremely valuable work since there are not just tons of words that help you rhyming, but a huge annex with all possible sorts of rhymes, exact explanations of sonnets, ballads, and such and lots of examples. I literally "ate" this book and just experimented with what I learned.

The use of "old" English is something I do prefer since I like reading Shakespeare, Poe, Percy Bysshe Shelley. Up to now I just created two poems using this language form - Thou shalt be my destiny and Loch Tay. For the latter I even wrote a melody, but I am not familiar with notes so it's just in my head and my fingers when sitting in front of my keyboard. My other poems are of different styles - due to what I said earlier: I like experimenting. There are even some funny ones, a pretty short one (Love and War) and a very long one I call a ballad.

I would be pleased to post some more of my poems, however you might be disappointed concerning the styles. They're pretty different from what I posted up to now. Maybe the Muse will kiss me again some day and I will go back to what I really love: poems in "old" English.

Thanks again and
Greetings.

[aequitas]

This is good. The last stanza is particularly effective, and really drives home the message about war tearing people away. I have to disagree with Sharkán, though, about the unorthodox enjambment: it's very jarring, especially since the line already has a few too many syllables for the meter. I had to read the stanza a few times over to really get it. And it's strange, since the rest of the poem flows beautifully!
Nitpicking aside, good job.

[Aurora Ariel]

Interesting poem. I had to read it more than once to get a greater feel for it, but I think it's quite well written on the whole. Very good first attempt!Though I do admit that I often find thou, thy, thee, etc, to be overly archaic in a contemporary context ( and therefore don't really use them myself in my own poems), I can understand where you are coming from ; I also love reading the classics and Romantics, and Shakespeare, Poe, and Shelley are included on my all time favourites list. Wishing you good luck with your future poetry!
-Aurora :)

[emily655321]

Hemial, though technically written in Modern English (you are right to put quotation marks around "old," since true Old English is virtually a different language from what is spoken today, and even Middle English was past its time by Shakespeare's day), your use of comparatively archaic English is very successful. The rhyme scheme you use is one of my favorites (a,b,b,a). :nod:

I agree with those above me: the last line of the first stanza is awkward. I think the line before it would work as a full sentence ("I'll go wherever you may send"), without squeezing the "me" into the next. Otherwise, the language of the poem flows very beautifully. Good work.

[hemial]

Thanks to all of you.

It's correct - once someone told me, the poem was in "archaic" English - I just couldn't remember the expression. However, I like writing like this. To my opinion, it makes a poem more dramatic.

As for the last line of the first stanza: I don't know how it is to write an English poem when English is your mother tongue. For me, however, it's sometimes not easy. Though I do love the English language, there surely are some mistakes in my poems, and the meter might not always really satisfy the reader. On the other hand, I don't particularily like poems that show a perfect meter. For me - then as a reader - this poem becomes boring very soon, especially when it has more than 5 or 6 stanzas.

Maybe it's just that what makes this poem interesting, at least that's what my friend (from Great Britain) told me. She said, that it's sometimes the mistakes or the clumsy language that make them worth reading.

Nevertheless, I will try to improve both - the language and the meter.

By the way, I would appreciate your opinion on another poem of mine: http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15432&highlight=Loch

Thanks.

Greetings.