If I

[blp]

Well you may have liked it,
but I was lying.
........................Look

If I’m going to write more poetry
I’m going to have to do a little more.

It’s not that much:

defilement and evil
........................and

death

are really pretty basic risks

- things that come up all the time.

I’m going to have to cross the road,
get on an airplane now and then,
worry less about what love is,
be much less careful around your thighs.

And
.................you know when you’re not attracted to someone
.................even though you know they’re not ugly?
.................Perhaps it’s because they’re not ugly
.................Their face doesn’t crease when they laugh
.................They never show their arse
or cry

Abjection gives us lots of fluid
- which is good for lubrication.
Without it, anyway, we die.

And I’ve been dying more or less myself.
The phrase occurs to me
involuntarily sometimes

and when I shut my eyes .................I don’t see darkness
but a picture of a matt black board
a wall
a room divider
or a blind
I am
so self obsessed
I cannot see
why you
would have
touched me with those thighs

[emily655321]

First reply? I can't believe it.

blp, you've carved this poem out of marble. The rhythm defines itself; it is almost as though it reads you, rather than the reverse. And yet the control of the sculptor's hand is felt in every line. The spaces between phrases works well; the time it takes the eye to shift from one to the next is precisely the correct length of pause. Thank you for writing this, it's a pleasure to read.

[blp]

Really glad you enjoyed it so much, Emily. Thank you.

[Virgil]

Very good, actually.

One weak stanza, though, if you want suggestions:

.................you know when you’re not attracted to someone
.................even though you know they’re not ugly?
.................Perhaps it’s because they’re not ugly
.................Their face doesn’t crease when they laugh
.................They never show their arse
Too prosaic and I'm not sure why its this way. You even break the nice rhythm you had built up. And it borders on cliche (beauty being skin deep). If you got reasons for keeping it, then keep it; otherwise you might want to work on it.

One other qubble: Titles for confessional poems are sometimes hard to find. I think you could do better than the one you got.

Let me finish on a positive note. The last stanza is outstanding. Ending it with "thighs" just closes the poem beautifully.

[blp]

Thanks, Virgil. I must admit, the title's just what I ended up with when I saved the word doc originally - which indicates a little about the poem's development. Coincidentally, it's very similar to the title of my favourite Robert Creeley poem,'If You', which I posted here (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2763&page=6&pp=15). But it has nothing to do with that poem, so that's no reason not to change it.

I hadn't thought there were any problems with that strophe you singled out. I see your point about the beauty, skin deep cliché. Will give it some thought. Really glad you like the end.

[emily655321]

One weak stanza, though, if you want suggestions:

.................you know when you’re not attracted to someone
.................even though you know they’re not ugly?
.................Perhaps it’s because they’re not ugly
.................Their face doesn’t crease when they laugh
.................They never show their arseI feel bad for disagreeing with Virgil so often lately! But this is my favorite part of the poem, providing the last line "or cry" is included. I like how it stands apart from the rest, like when you're talking to someone and you make a digression, or you need to give an example to fully explain the way you're feeling. The words "And" and "or cry" are its bridge to the rest of the poem, and "or cry" brings the topic back in step with the original theme. As though a sudden thought has shaken you out of a daydream; brought you back to reality.

[blp]

How nice! I certainly won't make any sudden moves on this for a while.

[Virgil]

I feel bad for disagreeing with Virgil so often lately! But this is my favorite part of the poem, providing the last line "or cry" is included. I like how it stands apart from the rest, like when you're talking to someone and you make a digression, or you need to give an example to fully explain the way you're feeling. The words "And" and "or cry" are its bridge to the rest of the poem, and "or cry" brings the topic back in step with the original theme. As though a sudden thought has shaken you out of a daydream; brought you back to reality.
Emily - Don't feel bad. We can disagree and still be friends. I'm a big boy. I've had bigger disapointments in life. ;)

If blp feels he needs a section to stand apart from the rest of the poem, fine. I'm just saying what's there is very prosiac. Poetry is ultimately charged language. I don't see anything in that section that captures me. I think you want it to feel like some sort of song where there is a contrasting musical theme somewhere in the middle. I don't know if it works well in a lyric poem. Or to make it work you have to do something more than just common language.

It's up to you, blp. It's your poem. Tell us what you ultimately decide. Someday.

[amuse]

this is so worth the time it took to read, and the time i will take to reread (haven't much now). btw, did you mean "matte" ?

[blp]

Matte. Well, maybe. Just looked it up and it turns out you can do it any way you like: matt, matte, or even, to my great surprise, mat.

So glad you liked it, amuse. I see you posted a few days ago now. I haven't been around much - 'bit busy too.