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Sindhu
10-17-2003, 08:17 AM
It is with extreme trepidation that I'm posting these three poems of mine here as I've been going through the posts and know that the comments in general are brutally frank. But they are also, in general extremely insightful, and I REALLY want to write "good" poetry sometime, so I'm taking the risk. Go ahead and tell me the worst! :( Though of course, if anyone likes anything in any of these poems, I hope I'll hear about that too! :P
BELOVED ENEMY.
Seven years of being an only child,
Everybody's pet who could do nothing wrong!
And THEN
YOU showed up, brother, unwanted visitor.
Suddenly
I wasn't the baby any more.

They tried to console me,
Saying
"You are the big girl now"
Oh, how could they be so obtuse
that they did not see I didn't want to be the "Big girl"?

I climbed into your cot one day
to pretend I was the baby once again.
They laughed and told the story at parties!

I knew then, for the first time, what real hatred was.
No, not them. I hated you,intruder that you were.

Did you ever Know, I wonder how close you often were to death?
So many times when I would have happily strangled you in your cradle
As you lay defenceless;
If only I hadn't been terrified of what THEY might do!

And yet, strangely, at times I loved you.
When no one else was around
And you smiled at me with your toothless gums,
clutching my finger as if you would never let it go
And refused to understand I wanted you out of the way.

Things were better as we grew older,
The fights and teasings were all there,
But though I would have died rather than say it aloud,
I quite started liking having you around.

Disaster struck then,
My ancient wish was granted
When I didn't want it any more!
You died in a senseless mobike upset
And I, the unlucky one survived.
With searing guilt that nearly
Drew me mad.

Each RAKHI day,
I wait in vain, for your outstretched wrist
to tie the sacred thread,
And then have to remind myself that it can never happen again.

Oh, my Brother, beloved enemy,
What would I not give or do
To have you back again,
Even if it were at least to hate you to my hearts content!

-SindhuMenon. [Note.
Rakhi is a festival in India when all sisters tie a sacred thread on their brothers' wrists, symbolising long life and prosperity.The brothers on their part are expected to give presents to their sisters and promise to love and cherish them always.]

I HAVE FORGOTTEN.....

I just realized it today
And am not sure whether to laugh or weep
But that is a false dilemma
For what I realized
Was that I had forgotten-
Forgotten to feel
And what means smiles or tears
When you cannot feel?

Despise me, reject me, snub me-
Stab me from behind, wash your hands in my blood
You cannot hurt me, you cannot make me cry
Something you could have done so easily before!
Hug me to your bossom, love me, sing lullabies
You cannot soothe me, cannot bring a smile to my lips
Or love to my heart- something again that was so easy before!
No, 'tis too late now- You cannot hurt me, you cannot move me
For Under your teaching, I have forgotten What "tis to feel.

Should I thank you Oh World,
For this brand new armour which neither love nor hate
Nor joy nor despair can pierce? Ah, if I could but recollect
What gratitude was, Then perhaps I would thank you-
But perhaps not- for as usual you did an imperfect job
I have forgotten how to feel, but one feeling remains
How shall I describe it? A blood lust? A love to see searing pain?
A delight to see you in searing pain , tortured in hell fire
While I watch and roar with maniac laughter, gruesome delight
All that is left to me of feeling now, after you taught me -
To forget to feel!

As I said, you botched the job as usual
Even this had to to be flawed, perfection was beyond your reach.
So, I have forgotten to feel- and yet that one feeling
Delight, world, delight in your pain remains.
Was it a mistake after all? Or carefully executed plan?
For had but that one feeling too been wiped out, I had been Olympian
And now because of that remain human-all too human?
Ah, but there are two ways to look at this
Maybe that one feeling was left to make me truly godly
For what else is it to be Jovian
Than to kill for sport and laugh as wanton boys at dismembered flies?

Sindhu Menon.

BETWEEN US

There was a sullen stillness all around
A steely silence cluthching at our throats
Immuring the bedclothes, the room, and even the view outside
The sting of the unsaid, the pain of the unheard, the fear of the unknown
Searing us, charring our flesh,
Each breeze changed to scorching flame
As we lay stiffly side by side,our fingertips almost touching
Could the keenest eye tell that there was space between our bodies?
And yet, in that narrow pass, I heard the great oceans surge and roar
And I stared out blankly across a bleak chasm
Understanding, they say is always painful
And it was then that I first and fully understood
The theorem that I had long ago learned by rote
That all distance,all time and all space were
Relative.

Sindhu Menon.

alissa
10-17-2003, 09:54 PM
Wow. you are very talented. i love your last poem. i'm going to print it out (i hope you don't mind.) Its beautifully written and there is so much that I can relate to. please continue to post........alissa*
(your other poems are very good too!)

Sindhu
10-17-2003, 10:49 PM
Thanks so much! Of course you can print it out- I didn't imagine anyone would like them so much!Thanks again! I'm still waiting for the criticisms though, which I'm sure will come soon!

ihrocks
10-18-2003, 10:06 AM
Sindhu,

Objectively, your last poem is the strongest. The images are vivid and the structure flows seamlessly. However, your first poem conveys so much heartbreak that it is the one that lingers. You use some wonderfully descriptive language in each, and certain phrases really stand out:

"I climbed into your cot one day
to pretend I was the baby once again.
They laughed and told the story at parties!"

"For this brand new armour which neither love nor hate
Nor joy nor despair can pierce?"

"Than to kill for sport and laugh as wanton boys at dismembered flies?"

"Could the keenest eye tell that there was space between our bodies?
And yet, in that narrow pass, I heard the great oceans surge and roar
And I stared out blankly across a bleak chasm"

Keep writing, that is the best way to improve. Practice, practice, practice!

ihrocks

Sindhu
10-18-2003, 10:40 AM
Thanks a lot. I'll certainly be writing more now I have a place from where I can get objective feedback. I realize practice is the only way-my problem is, I keep waiting for "inspiration" and that doesn't happen too often!

Isagel
10-23-2003, 05:05 AM
I´m already looking forward to reading more of your work.

I particularly like theses lines :

I climbed into your cot one day
to pretend I was the baby once again.
They laughed and told the story at parties!

I think that the lines :
" They tried to console me,
Saying
"You are the big girl now"
Oh, how could they be so obtuse
that they did not see I didn't want to be the "Big girl"? "

may not be necessary - the other parts of the poem, where you tell you´renot the baby any more make this point clear. If you take those lines out, I do not think you will loose anything, and it might make the next lines (my favorites ;) ) more visible.

Otherwise I only have praise, both when it comes to the style, and to the theme. I don´t think I´ve read a poem about the hate and love we can feel for our siblings.

Like Schwartzenneger I´ll be back - with more comments.

Sindhu
10-23-2003, 05:09 AM
I´m already looking forward to reading more of your work.


I think that the lines :
" They tried to console me,
Saying
"You are the big girl now"
Oh, how could they be so obtuse
that they did not see I didn't want to be the "Big girl"? "

may not be necessary - the other parts of the poem, where you tell you´renot the baby any more make this point clear. If you take those lines out, I do not think you will loose anything, and it might make the next lines (my favorites ;) ) more visible.
Yes,I reread the poem and I think you are right about those lines. I have a tendency to overstatement, I'm trying to pare down my style a bit. Thanks.


Like Schwartzenneger I´ll be back - with more comments.
I'll be waiting!

Isagel
10-23-2003, 06:37 AM
I think that you are right when you say that your style might need to be pared down abit, depending of course which style you are looking for. But I think that it would suit your poetry if you would take some things out.
Mostly because that makes your elegant phrases stand out. Now they are sometimes hidden. As my english teacher used to say "Kill your darlings"

Not that anything is bad. I haven´t seen a bad line in your poetry so far.
I love the way your words so easily stirs my feelings when I read them.

I´m going to make a slight editing of the first part of your poem I have forgotten, as demonstration. This is an example. If you don´t like what I´m doing - just leave it all be. Or take away different phrases. I´m not an expert so this is just my taste.

I just realized it
And am not sure whether to laugh or weep
a false dilemma
For what I realized
Was that I had forgotten-
Forgotten to feel
And what means smiles or tears
When you cannot feel?

heretic
10-23-2003, 02:27 PM
The first and the last poems were good.As it was previously stated i havent read much poem on siblings.

And yet, in that narrow pass, I heard the great oceans surge and roar
This is a great line.

heretic
10-23-2003, 02:30 PM
ihrocks

This is my first day in the forum .I just wanted to say my praise to these lines and particularly the last one.
_________________
"They say that some people never grow up
Lost in time shackled to the past forever,
Stung by love
Still weaving, still believing yesterday's dreams
If life is real then so is my imagination..."

AbdoRinbo
10-23-2003, 04:02 PM
Sindhu, what is a 'mobike upset'?

ihrocks
10-23-2003, 08:22 PM
Heretic,

They are great lines, indeed, but not mine. They belong to songwriter Ian Hunter. The song is called "Still the Same."

ihrocks

Sindhu
10-23-2003, 11:12 PM
Sindhu, what is a 'mobike upset'?
"Motorbike crash" I could't get that whole thing into the line- looked very ungainly.

Sindhu
10-23-2003, 11:18 PM
I´m going to make a slight editing of the first part of your poem I have forgotten, as demonstration.
Yes- I see what you mean. Maybe that's not exactly what I would have done if was editing myself but I get the point. And a very important thing I'm learning here is that one HAS to edit- I usually don't. Like you said - it's a case of "Kill your darlings" and that isn't easyfor me- so things usually go down on paper just as they come and while that might be all right for amateur self amusement, I realize I have to be strict with myself if what I write is ever to amount to anything more than that!

Sindhu
10-23-2003, 11:20 PM
And yet, in that narrow pass, I heard the great oceans surge and roar
This is a great line.
Thanks - That's the one line I was really happywith myself!

Isagel
10-24-2003, 02:38 AM
I realize I have to be strict with myself if what I write is ever to amount to anything more than that![/quote]

I´m sure it will amount to more. I really do like your poetry. But self amusement is good. I think that your amusement, and your love of words shine through, and it´s that quality (except your skill) that makes what you write so special to read.