The Cigarette Box

[white camellia]

Discard me
Like one tossed a Cigarette Box on a turnpike
Where a van thrilled through.
Nobody sees

That silver pane
Glaring over the road,
Empty inside and out.
Then in smoking you get lost.

[blp]

Here it is with the English corrected and neatened up (though it may not be quite as you want it):


Discard me,
A Cigarette Box in the dust,
Like one tossed away on a turnpike,
Flashing a van thrilled through [i don't understand this line]
Nobody sees

That silver pane
Glaring over the road,
Nobody sees,
Empty inside and out
Smoking you lost in I see [not sure what this one means either]

Will you remember me?

I think it might be a lot more interesting without the very last line.

[white camellia]

Here it is with the English corrected and neatened up
---Thank you, blp!


(though it may not be quite as you want it):
---None of my poems has ever been revised, I 'discard' it the moment I finished the creation, but this's no good in the least, then I could never claim that "I love the flowers of after-thought".

Discard me
Like one tossed a Cigarette Box on a turnpike
where a van thrilled through.
Nobody sees

That silver pane
Glaring over the road,
Empty inside and out.
then in smoking you lost.

---and does this sound better? :p

[blp]

Actually, yes it does, much better.
Been away for a while and finding some nice stuff by you to catch up on.