I'm, Oh, So Close To You

[ROBERT DAVIDSON]

I'M, OH, SO CLOSE TO YOU

by Robert Davidson.


Crushing myself up to you
In that intimate embrace,
Up against the one holding me,
Your lips touching my face.
I'm, oh, so close to you.

Opening your heart so to me,
I just need the touch of you.
Your hand down the arch of my back.
Don't stop! Whatever you do!
I'm, oh, so close to you.

Only say you love me, let's touch and caress,
Your body smooth and firm and warm, so demanding of mine.
A sudden shuddering as I melt into you, to define
Stark desire, surging through my loins, I guess.

Ling'ring lovers, mouth on mouth,
I live just for love alone.
The hot breath of passion to share,
Together you and I, my own.
I'm, oh, so close to you.

[parap]

I feel ***** just reading this :p
I like it!

[brandon w]

Now wait. This is just plain bad. Why is it that you and so many others live a whole goddamn life with strage things entering the periferal every day, and yet your fingers stiff pridfully post **** love/sex poems. Now dont get me wrong I can enjoy a good love poem if it has some origanality to it. But my friend, I sure that even you yourself know that this "I'M, OH, SO CLOSE TO YOU" is just another old dirty cewed piece of gum under the table like so many others. If your going to participate in an artistic act, DO SOMTHING ARTISTIC WITH IT FOR CRIST SAKE! I dont even care if a writer is severly horible, as long as some goddamn creativity went into it. Creativity, for you must be lost in a blizzard of how you think things should sound.

[Lautschrift]

there for many is the realm of touch and lust
being decribed as I am so close to you

for some it may be exciting for some it may be contamination

what was he contemplating when he wrote this poem


:confused:

[parap]

How is a love poem original, Brandon? It's about the feel to it, and the sound to it. Some will like it, others won't. I don't think it sounded bad, certainly not atrociously bad. But I could be critical and put in my two cents worth, but is it necessary? Let the artist speak his own mind, otherwise I might as well write my own.

[Scheherazade]

For many members who decide to share their work with others, it takes a lot of courage to do so; they open themselves and their work for criticism. As readers, the least we can do is to offer them constructive criticism and saying simply that a work is not good hardly counts as one.

Please try to include why and what you particularly (dis)like in their work and share your thoughts on how you think it could be improved. And most importantly, do not personalise your comments; it is the works that are under criticism, not the writers of those works.

[B-Mental]

Personally, I like it. Nice work Robert Davidson. Any relation to Harley? Brandon, I've written poems that someone disliked and commented poorly. I didn't care for it. Do you know the meter of the poem? Did you read once, or just race through it. Did you even think about it? Its like Thumpers Mom always says....

[geetanjali]

hey this poem about being sooooo close is a little obscene & there are some evasive yet lucid allusions. The budding poet in a spurt of poetic frenzy is revealing a little too much of the man & his lover. I think the poem should be veiled to some extent to show idyallic love than passionate sense gratification. Respect the art of poetry & dont sling erotic passion in this subtle form of art. No offense intended to anyone & just giving my view.

[Outlander]

What's the problem?

Too Erotic? - No such thing.
The man has captured the Fire of a truly lustful moment.

Considering all the wisdom within the human mind, far too many of us forget that We Are Animals, or is this an intentional oversight?

I Applaud his work, Well done Robert Davidson.

*Highly Effective.
Enough seats were warmed by your work to begin a discussion on it.

Keep it up. :thumbs_up

Outlander.

[jon1jt]

Now wait. This is just plain bad. Why is it that you and so many others live a whole goddamn life with strage things entering the periferal every day, and yet your fingers stiff pridfully post **** love/sex poems. Now dont get me wrong I can enjoy a good love poem if it has some origanality to it. But my friend, I sure that even you yourself know that this "I'M, OH, SO CLOSE TO YOU" is just another old dirty cewed piece of gum under the table like so many others. If your going to participate in an artistic act, DO SOMTHING ARTISTIC WITH IT FOR CRIST SAKE! I dont even care if a writer is severly horible, as long as some goddamn creativity went into it. Creativity, for you must be lost in a blizzard of how you think things should sound.

I have to agree with Brandon on this one --- the poem is just bad. What's so bad is the empty language used to express the ideas, period. I really don't get people in here who come to the defense of somebody who submits a bad poem and is told so. Brandon is just being honest --- the writer should learn from it, if possible, or disregard it completely. Enough of this touchy feely crap already...give me a break.

[jon1jt]

I just read again Brandon's review --- "old dirty piece of gum under the table" sums up that poem. Hey, that poet wrote a nice poem the other day, and I told him/her so. If you want something creative, read some of my poetry Brandon, at least I put some thought into them.

[jon1jt]

What's the problem?

Too Erotic? - No such thing.
The man has captured the Fire of a truly lustful moment.

Considering all the wisdom within the human mind, far too many of us forget that We Are Animals, or is this an intentional oversight?

I Applaud his work, Well done Robert Davidson.

*Highly Effective.
Enough seats were warmed by your work to begin a discussion on it.

Keep it up. :thumbs_up

Outlander.

You have entered into a deep slumber...wake up, the poem bites, really.

[brandon w]

Yes it is vary nessasary to put in two cents good or patheticly bad (like mine). With out it, how is the performer or the observer sapposed to grow? Please I beg every one to go and read my posts and critisize the crap out of them. I need it, its a good thing. What are we all just going to go around craping happy faries. No, inorder to help others we need to enflame there pride, so that they can do better and better. No Artistic piece isn't mastered out of ego, so we need to make people want to feed those egos to a higher point, because if we dont than they will just go around writing things like "I'm, Oh, So Close To You" Instead of really finding themselves in the composition.
Don't throw around crap complaments so that the artist just wants to stay with what he is doing. Your all criminals for keeping these people where their at, instead of provoking them to grow.

[Outlander]

Jon1jt - LOL

Sometimes, simple is good.
It made me smile, as it should.

[Outlander]

I have a question....

Many "bad" poems have been posted on this site, (I being the mind behind quite a few of them) - Why has "oh, so, close to you" been singled out?

I've seen some horribly bad ones, drop away without a comment.

Is it because this is of a sexual nature?

Curiously..
Outlander

[Countess]

My opinion, to be quite frank, is that it does not meet my personal standards for a good poem. That said, everyone is permitted to write bad poetry - there is no law against it - and some will undoubtedly connect to the content for their own reasons.

For me, the description lacks originality and that is what makes it not to my preference.

BUT - it is easy to criticize without offering up an alternative, and that is a cop-out in my book. So, here is something I wrote that is rather lusty if you will, that captures the same feeling but differently I believe. I don't proffer myself as any great writer, but this poem was well received by my English professor in college. Critique at will, for I'm sure it won't please some of you:

Cross-starred lovers, twenty-one years
of drunken orgies with whores in the night
approaching the star-struck light
a glance of murmuring lust flashes fire
across the face of one not disgraced
by the garter on his waist.

"I heard we danced well together,"
I cried, sighed inside
at the subtle expression of his face.

"Well let's dance," he said
I couldn't believe my head,
slight suggestion of an evening ride
well beyond the bounds of Comfort Inn
religious sin yet satiating satisfaction
of a true knight.

[Outlander]

Countess - Lets Dance.

(But you'll have to pick the music, I'm horrible at it) :)

Tounge in Cheek
Outlander.

[Countess]

> Let's dance

Okay, grab your partner and let me go find mine (looks for Drew in "Elizabethtown" dancing beneath the weeping trees).

We'll dance like druids in the moonlight.

Countess

[Outlander]

I will Druid dance, only if I can wear a sheet.

I have my standards, ya' know.

Outlander

[michela]

Ok i've been reading all of yours replies to the poor Robert and now i'm ready to say what do i think about it.Being honest i don't love that kind of poetry i mean it's too damn simple and "declareted" where the hell is the simbolism?I mean (and this is not intended to be offensive Rob.)what express that woman to you?Is she just beautiful?IS she just in love with You?Or she could represent the whole world to you....
Could she be just all the reality you're interested in?
What i think is that yes probably she's something more you've said to us...so just try again.And before i forget just avoid that "oh" it just sounds as if it were a metal rock song not at all a poetry.
Good luck Michela

[amuse]

ROBERT DAVIDSON, congrats for posting a poem that has so many cringing and applauding already.

my initial, strongest reaction is that i don't like "loins" - i find it to be a word that has to be dispersed very carefully, or it makes the reader cringe. (though to be fair, perhaps it only makes me cringe). it has a clinical/creepy/harlequin-romance vibe to it.

[jon1jt]

Sexual nature? I don't find much of a sexual nature in it, really.

[jon1jt]

There's another poem that blows called "As Close to a Love Poem As I Get"

[white camellia]

Such a perfect place of Pandemonium here, the glaring argent armor...
'Silence is gold', but word is silver... :p
'Poetry' never disappoints me...
But again, I crave for novelty...this one, hmm... ;)
Have fun, everyone!

[Scheherazade]

Yes it is vary nessasary to put in two cents good or patheticly bad (like mine). With out it, how is the performer or the observer sapposed to grow? Please I beg every one to go and read my posts and critisize the crap out of them. I need it, its a good thing. What are we all just going to go around craping happy faries. No, inorder to help others we need to enflame there pride, so that they can do better and better. No Artistic piece isn't mastered out of ego, so we need to make people want to feed those egos to a higher point, because if we dont than they will just go around writing things like "I'm, Oh, So Close To You" Instead of really finding themselves in the composition.
Don't throw around crap complaments so that the artist just wants to stay with what he is doing. Your all criminals for keeping these people where their at, instead of provoking them to grow.Brandon, since you are so eager to correct others' mistakes, I will start pointing out some of your own:


Yes, it very necessary to put in two cents good or pathetically bad (like mine). Without it, how is the performer or the observer supposed to grow? Please I beg everyone to go and read my posts and criticize the crap out of them. I need it, it's a good thing. What? Are we all just going to go around crapping happy fairies? No, in order to help others we need to enflame their pride so that they can do better and better. No artistic piece is mastered out of ego so we need to make people want to feed those egos to a higher point because if we don't then they will just go around writing things like "I'm, Oh, So Close To You", instead of really finding themselves in the composition.
Don't throw around crap compliments so that the artist just wants to stay with what he is doing. You are all criminals for keeping these people where they are at, instead of provoking them to grow.
Please note that these were just some of the spelling and grammatical errors which caught my eye while reading your post; I will not dwell on the context and coherence of your post on this occasion.

Offering constructive criticism does not require us to paying (false) compliments; we can still be critical of others' works while sharing our thoughts on how they can be improved as well as the things we like and dislike about them.

I would like to thank those who have done so. It seems like fair and good quality criticism is an art even harder to achieve than creative writing itself.

Since this thread has outlived its purpose, I will close it now.

ROBERT DAVIDSON> Please feel free to start another thread if you would like to post your poem again.