opinion on translation needed

[chispa]

I translated this poem of F Garcia Lorca from spanish to english. I want to know if the ideas are transfered correctly.....please comment!

Gazelle of the sudden love

Nobody understood the fragance
of the dark magnolia of your belly.
Nobody knew that you tormented
a colibri of love among your teeth

One thousand persian ponies fell asleep
in the square with moon of your forehead,
while I tied four nights
your waist, enemy of the snows.

Between plaster and jazmines, your glance
was a pale branch of seeds.
I searched, to give you, by my chest
the ivory letters that say forever

Forever, forever: garden of my agony,
your fugitive body for ever,
the blood of your veins in my mouth,
your mouth already without light for my death.

[RobinHood3000]

Hmm...do you have the original Spanish, by any chance?

[chispa]

Gacela del amor imprevisto (F.García Lorca)

Nadie comprendía el perfume
de la oscura magnolia de tu vientre.
Nadie sabía que martirizabas
Un colibrí de amor entre los dientes.

Mil caballitos persas se dormían
en la plaza con luna de tu frente,
mientras yo enlazaba cuatro noches
tu cintura, enemiga de las nieves.

Entre yeso y jazmines, tu mirada
era un pálido ramo de simientes.
Yo busqué, para darte, por mi pecho
las letras de marfil que dicen siempre.

Siempre, siempre: jardín de mi agonía,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.

[RobinHood3000]

"In the square with the moon" -- If I recall correctly, English uses articles more liberally than does Spanish.

"I searched, to give you, of/from (your choice) my chest" -- Por has a variety of equivalents in English, I believe.

Otherwise, well-done.

[chispa]

thanks RobinHood3000.....!!!!! for helping this "poor lady" ;)

[Bastet]

entre los dientes= among THE teeth

As RobinHood3000 says, "por" has different meanings in Spanish. Here, Federico G. Lorca means that he was searching for words on/in his chest (both are valid, depending on your interpretation).

Great job, Chispa!!! :) Glad you like Federico G. Lorca, it's one of my favorites.