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white camellia
10-29-2005, 11:38 AM
My doggie chased after two cats-
One pitch black, the other snow white-
Desperately running in circles,
Like the afflicted from a madhouse;
Panic broke the bonds,
As if some sinister evidence has been perceived.

But her "prey" fled into the shade shielded,
Crouching on the boughs,
Warily staring at everything of either a kinesis or stasis around them,
In silence…

I am utterly confused!
My doggie's got a mania for cats-
Absurdly-
There was no cat
Who was not in hide!

This-
All I found

blp
11-02-2005, 11:05 PM
I like this a lot White Camellia. It has a sort of crazy quality. A few grammar/syntax niggles: 'Like the afflicted out of a madhouse' could be shortened to 'Like the afflicted from a madhouse'; 'evidences' is not the plural of evidence. 'Evidence' is the plural. I know it's confusing. You never have 'an evidence', you only have 'some evidence'. You can, however have 'a piece of evidence' and 'pieces of evidence'. Also, I don't know why you put an apostrophe (') after this word, but I can tell you it's not right.

Similarly 'prey' is never 'preys'. Whether a cheetah is chasing one wildebeest or six, they're always 'prey'. No idea why.

'Among' has to be followed by a noun to make sense. I think you're trying to say here that the cats are among the bows, but you'd have to write it like that, with 'the bows' after 'among'. the problem is getting them both to be 'on' and 'among'. the other problem is, I like it the way it is. this is one place where the bad grammar seems to me to add to the poetry of it.

'Who was not in hide'. This is just plain totally foreign. I'd guess you're trying to say 'there was no cat hiding there', but can't be sure.

'This' also doesn't need an apostrophe. Are you trying to abbreviate 'this is'?

white camellia
11-05-2005, 01:26 AM
blp, your detailed comment help me a lot. Grammar is one of the highest priorities of English learning in middle school here, yet I often omitted it, mistakes made frequently, and I wonder my insensibility to it...inherent in me... :p

blp
11-05-2005, 09:30 AM
One day you'll probably know it really well and then you'll go back to these poems of yours and see just how great your weird English usage really was.

white camellia
11-05-2005, 10:33 AM
Can the weird equal the great? :confused:
But I expect the novelty, not oddity. :p
Your words are such a balm... :blush:

blp
11-05-2005, 11:18 AM
Honestly, this poem just gets better every time I read it. weird = great? indubitably. we have the evidence(s') before us.