A Moon And Star In The Morning Sky, Feedback pls?

[Segafreak]

Hi. I'm new in here, and thought of getting some feedback for this poem.

Was it fate to chance
Upon your eyes that day
That I have finally found
The way out of my darkness
And into the light
With hope like never before
Simply shining brightly like
A moon and star in the morning sky
Beautiful it is in the dawn's light
This I pray to be so
That I can be with you together
For as long as time goes by

[AbdoRinbo]

Poets are dogs, but I like this one.

[Veritas]

A little editing present for you!!!!
Hope you like it :-)

Was it fate to chance
Upon your eyes that day
that I have found my way
out of my darkness into light?

Within this radiance glows new hope
as brightly as a thousand dreams
of moon and stars embracing
passion-bound the dawn of morn'.

I pray for skies to smile at us
anew with every morning dawning
in happiness together
for a life to share
forever praises singing.

Eternally ~ as long as time goes by.

---------------<3-----------------

[the devil's own]

Veritas, your editing went pretty far, as you came up with a few verses of your own. You should just send some stuff of your own IMO, as I like the lines you wrote.

Segafreak, not bad. You might want to take your imagery (not sure of the term, IMO your poem does not so consist of metaphors as of pure images except for the "like the moon and star" part) further. You don't have to try to find gradiose ways to express your feelings as that can lead to a forced outcome. Maybe just try to bring more versatility and colour to get a more personal touch. But as I said, not bad.

[Bandini]

IMO - A good stab at love poetry Sega. IMO - The main problem was with the rhythm - which Veritas solved! You should also look to avoid cliche. If you talk about the moon /stars etc. in love poetry, try to give it a twist - add something special to make it yours. In response to Thedevils... - He/she does use Metaphor - unless he really is 'coming out of the dark' and hope really is 'Beautiful...in the dawns light'! You draw attention to a simile - just one form of imagery, as I'm sure you know. Points for the use of hyperbole ('as long as time goes by') which has been utilised by many of the great 'love poets'. :thumbs_up

[the devil's own]

Hmm...I would say he uses, instead of metaphor, the pure image. Which is another form of imagery, sure. But metaphor does not equal image in all accounts, as modern poetry differs from classic poetry partially by the new use of images. The images don't depict, they are, in the textual world. I guess you knew that, maybe I just misunderstood you.

[Bandini]

You say Tomatoe I say...knackers!

[Bandini]

You say Tomato, l I say...knackers! :goof:

[Veritas]

Sigh - yes, you are both right!
I tried to solve a few lines and words here and there
- and like always - my imagination carried me away!!!!
Sorry, guys. Give me one credit though - lol
I did not ask for copyright ;-)

[Miranda]

Veritas - Yes, I think you went too far with your suggestions for the poem and that Segafreak's poem became your inspiration. - but I too liked what you wrote and also think that you should post some of your own work here.

Segafreak - Not such a technical reply from me, but I know what I like and I like the imagery that you have used, especially of the moon and star being in the morning sky at the same time - as sometimes happens. It is as if these objects from the night sky - the light of which were previously observed but distant/unreachable, have been brought into daylight's brilliance and will always dwell there now - like your newfound hope, never to fade or fail again. The reference to dawn's light speaks of new beginning but the reference to the moon and stars represent eons of time which you refer to in the last line. I think it's a brillant poem.

Miranda.


Hi. I'm new in here, and thought of getting some feedback for this poem.

Was it fate to chance
Upon your eyes that day
That I have finally found
The way out of my darkness
And into the light
With hope like never before
Simply shining brightly like
A moon and star in the morning sky
Beautiful it is in the dawn's light
This I pray to be so
That I can be with you together
For as long as time goes by

[Bandini]

'Talent borrows, Genius steals'? Who knows!

[amuse]

...everyone's trying to help someone who posted a poem a year and a half ago. that's zeal! :)

[Miranda]

Haha - that is very Amuse-ing!! I didnt realise the beginning post was so old. I wonder where the writer went.... and if she is still happy and hopeful. I hope so....

[Veritas]

Ohmygosh - LOL - now I see it too
I never realized that this poem was that old..
You see, guys - we are all trying to encourage this little
soul in her quest for happiness and did not realize that she might
already be married to her Morning Star, in the bright shadow of the moon!
[of course we do not expect the worst, won't we?]
Ahhhh - LOVE.....ssiiiigh!!!

Thanks bytheway for encouraging me to publish my poems here. :-)
I will gladly think about it, while I admire yours, amuse!
Unfortunately I did not have the pleasure of reading anything of Miranda's or Bandini's, or the devil's own or AdboRinbo's. How about it, guys??? Gimmi your poetry-site addresses, I give you mine!!
LOL
Have a great Night, all.. and regards from Toronto :-)

[Veritas]

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[Segafreak]

hey all. sorry bout not posting here. was busy the whole time and forgot that i even posted here almost 4 years back, till now when i was checking up on something related to this poem. thanks for all the comments :) and btw, im a guy :p