Funniest quotes

[Levenbreech Vor]

Who do you guys think has the funniest quotes.

I'd vote for Douglas Adams.

[Reichenbach]

I'd second that, if you want some really cool quotes check out this site, it's great . . . www.mytheme.com

[starrwriter]

Dorothy Parker. When she was informed that former President Calvin Coolidge had just died, she quipped: "How could they tell?"

I also love the wit of Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain.

Wilde: "A good friend stabs you in the front."

Twain: "Whenever I get the urge for strenuous exercise, I lay down until the feeling goes away."

[subterranean]

What did he say anway?


Who do you guys think has the funniest quotes.

I'd vote for Douglas Adams.

[Levenbreech Vor]

I second Mark Twain, he is really funny.

Also Woody Allen is way up there on my "funny quote ladder"


Levenbreech Vor

[okmit]

Will Rogers: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" untill you find a rock.

"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you just found out."

"Rome collapsed because it had a Senate,now whats going to happen to us with a Senate and a House."

[Mortis Anarchy]

"A zebra does not change spots!":lol:
-Al Gore

"OBGYN's out there that can't practice, their, their love with women!":lol:
-W. Bush

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
-Arnie

"Thats a good looking mummy! If I were single I would ask that mummy out on a date"
-Clinton

Good times. I just watched a show on the stupidest/funniest quotes ever said.:D

[RobinHood3000]

Twain, Wilde, and Churchill - the quotation trifecta.

[Mortis Anarchy]

I agree...Wilde has some of the best quotes ever!

[androcles]

"Then let them execute me in my absence"

Brendan Behan, on being informed that the I.R.A. had sentenced him to death in his absence.

[Sparrow]

I absolutely adore Oscar Wilde; I find him very funny.

I don't really have a quote that I find the most comical, but for some reason I laughed so hard when a character in The Thee Musketeers said, "Ah! You have killed me!"

[mmaria]

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. (Einstein)

[Delta40]

"I am nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore, I must be perfect!"
- Anon

This guy - Anon - well he wins hands down everytime if you ask me!!! He says alot of quirky things throughout the ages....

[weltanschauung]

I second Mark Twain, he is really funny.

Also Woody Allen is way up there on my "funny quote ladder"


Levenbreech Vor

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.




I absolutely adore Oscar Wilde; I find him very funny.

I do not play cricket because it requires me to assume such indecent postures.

[pgwodehousefan]

OSCAR WILDE (fall on your knees....worship the god)
WOODY ALLEN
Here's a genius neglected on this thread-WODEHOUSE, his dialogue is embellished with hysteria-inducing gems.

[Pecksie]

Was it Oscar Wilde who said 'I can resist everything except temptation'? :)

[AuntShecky]

What about Groucho?

"I never met a man I didn't like, but in your case I'm willing to
make an exception."

[free]

Nature has given us two ears, but only one mouth.

- Benjamin Disraeli, Henrietta Temple

[YesNo]

"Facts change, but opinions don't."

Walter Cronkite

Quoted by Harry S. Dent, Jr, "The Demographic Cliff", page 227.

[free]

'Who loves not wine, woman and song,
He is a fool his whole life long!'

William Makepeace Thackeray, A Credo

[stlukesguild]

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress .. But I repeat myself." -Mark Twain

More true than ever.

[stlukesguild]

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
-Will Rogers

[stlukesguild]

Don't forget Ambrose Bierce:

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

[mortalterror]

Back in high school I was a big fan of Ambroce Bierce. I liked his definition of Exile so much I wrote it down in my journal:

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.


An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world!

[free]

I don't remember who said this, excuse me. :) It was a certain public speaker or lecturer and it goes like this:

Many times I noticed people looking at their watches while I was speaking, because they could hardly wait for the speach to end, but once I saw a man not only looking at his watch, but putting it on his ear to cheque if it was working at all.

[MANICHAEAN]

Timothy Timex.

[mesolzhenitsy]

Timothy Timex.

https://www.google.com.tr/search?q=timothy+timex&rlz=1C2ASUM_enTR494TR519&biw=1280&bih=899&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0CC0QsARqFQoTCL6k39z65sYCFcMWLAod4jAN8A

[UlyssesE]

Since Twain, Wilde, and Churchill have already been thoroughly named... how about the surprise entry of Socrates?

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher." A quote applicable to those in any type of relationship :)

[SkagBoy]

This from Stephen King has always tickled me:

I'm the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries.

[stacy55]

"A jealous women does better research than FBI"..

[stacy55]

Also, this one "Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything".

[MaryLee]

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? but I just don't remember who said that

[Pompey Bum]

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? but I just don't remember who said that

It's a good question, but the answer, of course, is Braille. :)

[AsierRed]

“Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

MARK TWAIN, about Jane Austen