Desert mind

[Koa]

I havent written much in a while and most of what I've written doesnt satisfy me... it feels like some 'feeling' is missing... So I'll post this, which is my very last think up to now, cos I want to know how you understand this... and any idea on improvements...



I miss the times when the rain was falling often
when floods would cover any living beat
of a heart that struggled in the wet

Now everything's so dry
that drops would just hit the ground
and bounce back like stones
or slip away
like water on a goose's feathers

But no drop's falling anyway
the sky is so motionless
nauseously blue - and empty
like a brainless girl's eyes.

The memory of the floods is still alive
but now every cloud of my sky
is just full of futility

No thought shines within a dead mind
like no flash courses the spring sky
- no rain ever wets the desert's sand.

25th July 2005

[mono]

Well, well, Koa. I had no idea you had such poetic talent; you must post very seldom, as I see in your other created threads list.
Firstly, the title seems very fitting, modest, and a good introduction to the poem, and the first line could not outline the mood of the poem any better. The analogy required a few reads to understand entirely, but those often make the best poems, in my opinion; it shows a lot of depth, introspection, and self-reflection.
This may seem petty, but, in the last stanza, first line, should 'though' print rather as 'thought'?
Beautifully done, Koa. This deserves applause:
http://www.gc.maricopa.edu/recognition/images/applause.gif

[Koa]

Wow thanks, well I think i've posted quite many poems but not recently so maybe you can't really find them... not that it's so worth it anyway :D

Firstly, of course that 'though' should be 'thought', I'll correct it immediately...it was the classic 1am typo :D

I thank you for mentioning the title, I was going to ask about that sooner or later cos it's actually a tentative one...

I still think that the poem is somewhat confused and kinda misses the point...and last night going to bed I thought I had found out why but now I forgot again... yes, that's how dead my mind is.

The first line is actually the only one which came as a real inspiration... the rest seems mostly so 'built'...

If the poem is not very direct it's actually better, I've always considered my stuff to be too simple... I'm still not sure that it makes its point tho...

Thanks for the feedback anyway :)

[Nightshade]

Wowie Koa great images :nod: brainless girls eyes :lol: gotta remember that one;)
I like it really really do.
:thumbs_up

[Koa]

LOL thanks Night ...
yeah I hate brainless girls their lives are always so easy... but on the other hand I am the brainless girl in this case cos I feel I have lost my brain... I used to be clever but now... d'oh!

[veronic]

Brainless girls are not aware of their lack of brain,
they haven't brain enough for that. : >

I liked your poem as well- simplicity yet touching and great metaphors.

I'm familiar with this feeling of maybe missing the point. What I would suggest you to do is write more to this poem. Not thinking how to build it or whether this stanza fits here or there- just keep creating out of this feeling. Eventually you can choose the parts that you feel transform the feeling in the best way, and glue them together as you wish.

[Koa]

thanks veronic, i might give that a try though i'm not convinced about my patience to do that... by the way welcome, and wow i notice now you were born in russia? do you speak russian then?

[veronic]

yep, I do.
And thanks for the warm welcome.

[Koa]

yep, I do.


Prikolno! (maybe that's Moscow slang? I'm not sure...:p)
Ja izuchala russkij jazyk 3 goda, nemnogo govorju :)

[veronic]

ah!
Prikrasno.
A ya probuyu yevo nye zabevat.
:)