essay review

[Bodhista]

Hi, first time at the forum. I'm hoping someone would be willing to look over this introductory paragraph I have written for my english class and see if it makes any sense/is any good.
I'm not sure if this is a forum that helps with essays (i just googled "essay help forum" and this is what came up first), if not, do you know of a forum designed to help critiqe essays?
Any and all comments are appreciated. Thank you.

“Look at the fattie” proclaimed my friend “why doesn’t he do some excersize instead of eating all the time?”. Such is the logic behind many of my friends’ frustration/annoyance with obese people. The general consencus seems to be that obese people are lazy slobs and can only blame themselves for their condition . What they fail to realize is that there are a multitude of factors behind obesity, including their biologial makeup, the environment, and psychological factors. Obesity is a growing epidemic in America. However, obese ignorance is just as large a problem. In America, the number of obese adults has doubled since 1980 (Collins). Likewise, the amount of prejudice towards obese people has skyrocketed, especially in our current society which constitues thinness as a neccessity. Unfortunetally not enough information is being shed on the causes of obesity, which is why my friend would make such a ignornt claim. If a basic understanding regarding the basic causes of obesity is learned, the prejudice obese people would face would greatly diminish."

[byquist]

Just a couple of ideas that you can use in your paper as illustrations:

1. I know there is a club (or numerous clubs perhaps), perhaps national, of large people; I've seen it on t.v. or read in the newspapers. There have been large women also going down a fashion modelling runway in NYC or some other places. One of my favorite actors (the guy who played Cannon on the t.v. show) was a member of some club of sizeable people back in the 80's or sometime. Check internet for leads on the above.

2. Jackie Gleason, my all-time favorite comedian, was told by critics that he lost a percentage of his humor when he went on a crash diet and lost some pounds. Now nearly everyone finds Gleason a really rare persona. So if anyone allows and enjoys Gleason, they correspondingly must have a fairmindedness regarding anyone who is large.

3. Obviously Oprah (now entering the Astrodome today) has covered this aspect extensively; you might get some background info to write about from her concerns, writing and speaking about it.

4. If I were you, I would argue that it is a reflection on the "observer" should he or she disparage anyone due to size, color, nationality, etc. It's their problem issue, not the problem of the observed.

5. I'd point out that suma wrestlers are considered heroes in Japan, with tremendous respect and acclaim.

[Mark F.]

This isn't the right place but here's a couple of points. What's the essay about? Do you have a question or is it just about obesity? You haven't stated your question or subject in your introduction which you should always do. Secondly, don't conclude in your opening paragraph, which you seem to be doing in the last sentence by giving a solution. Lastly, is "However, obese ignorance is just as large a problem." a deliberate pun?

[PeterL]

There is much more to the matter than what you touched upon. If you want to write a good essay, you will have to provide more detailed evidence.

[Bodhista]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I realized what a monstrosity I have concocted and that I need to start from scratch. Unfortunetally it's due tommorow, so it's going to be a long night to say the least!
I'll post the reworked intro later, if I have time. Thank you all very much for your advice. Much appreciated.
Also, as to not pester you all anymore now that I realize this is not the proper forum to be posting essays, does anyone know of a forum that is specifically meant for essay critiques?

[Jay]

Not to repeat the guys, I found a little spelling mistake, it's 'census', not 'cencus' (second line of your paragraph). Good luck with your essay :)