The South Downs

[atiguhya padma]

Cycling upon the spine of the South Downs
Its earthly vertebrae juddering my backbone
I gaze high up as I freewheel, to see the Sun
The glazed head of a ****, spraying liquid
Gold in streams of a warm translucent light.
From the streets of Alfriston on a western wind
We ascended like wildcats stalking hopeless prey.
We widened our eyes, hoping to glimpse
Charleston in that flat abdomen below
Whilst on our seaward side, those soft elegant curves
Motionless like a shagged out body lying low
A wooded glade uneasily climbing
The satin surface of that close adjacent hill.
Darkness hiding the shame of our shapeless bodies
At last to Lewes we came, bones aching,
We looked at each other, with weary minds
Hair amok like a ragged woodland, faces drained,
Cow**** clinging to our clothes like youthful lichen
We smiled with a deep felt satisfaction.

[blp]

I like lots of things in this. Find it overall a bit too literal, almost a bit 'what I did on my holidays', and that's exacerbated by starting with such a flatly descriptive first line (even with the so so spine metaphor). for my taste, a starting point like 'From the streets of Alfriston on a western wind' is better.
Not sure if the landscape as body trope is working very interestingly here.'soft elegant curves' seems a bit lame and 'wooded glade' is an unforgivable cliché, but shagged out body, flat abdomen is great. maybe it would all be better if there was less body stuff, but more of the descriptions worked at least that hard, if not more so.

[atiguhya padma]

Thanks for your criticism blp. On second thoughts, I too dislike the 'woodland glade' phrase, and as is the case with much that I post here, it would have been better had I not just written it all in one sitting and posted it without looking through it sufficiently. Anyway, glad you liked some of it.

AP

[blp]

it would have been better had I not just written it all in one sitting and posted it without looking through it sufficiently.

I think it's fine to do that. Often after that first blurt, I have no idea what to think of what I've done and need feedback.