And I love the shapes in your head, your projects and your political fervour

[blp]

But I really do hope, she said gently, that we might, she looked at him with sincere, pious sorrow, be able to stay friends, she touched his hand, well, he replied, do you know, he replied, what I think of that, he replied, what, she said softly, large, damp eyes regarding the world with receptive wonder, It makes, he began, me want to leave, he told her, the country, he went on, and go, he intoned, somewhere harsh, he enunciated, and unhygienic, he blurted, to ensure, he explained, that I will never, he insisted, have to see you or, he nearly sobbed, your stinking happiness (which does not include or depend on me in any way) ever again. He got up with knives in his shoulders, belly, ****, head, arse, upset a plant pot, knocked over a baby’s perambulator and crashed, self obliteratingly, into the keys of a grand piano as he made his way, with as much dignity as possible, towards the exit.

[Scheherazade]

I am quite intrigued by this one. When I read it first time, I wished there were punctuation marks other than the comma however, after reading it couple of more times, I don't anymore. The run-on sentences and clauses compliment each other very well and his chaotic feelings are reflected very nicely in the gramatical structure. Like it!

[blp]

Maybe I need to think more about this punctuation issue. Early on, if I was being grammatically correct, some of the commas would be full stops (periods). Later, I actually use one. I'll consider.

[amuse]

i wouldn't change them. it gives one a sense of his inner turmoil/rhythm; he obviously feels in commas. later, maybe, but not here. i got a sense of absolute beauty, pain, when reading this and love the juxtaposition between his fierce need to interact with her on a level he can recognize as important, and her refusal/inability to do so, also his containment and attempt to master himself.

was going to absorb longer before responding, but the comma thing caught my eye

[blp]

Looking back over it I realise the first full stop (period) creates an obvious break between the dialogue and narrative parts, so it fits and probably doesn't need changing.

Any views on the verbs? 'enunciated', 'insisted', 'intoned'. They're bugging me a bit. A bit too creative writing class or something.

[Scheherazade]

I agree with you regarding the first full stop; it creates a strategic and meaningful break in the flow. As for the verbs you mentioned... I think they go well with the poem; sound like verbs which might be used by this character in the poem.

[blp]

Ta. Much obliged

[amuse]

i like "blurted" (a lot) and "insisted."
"intoned"...maybe, and "enunciated"...no - could you describe the way he says "somewhere harsh" so that we hear him enunciate that...it sounds spelled out, now that you mention it. maybe an adverb to highlight "enunciated" or some onomatopoeia?

[blp]

Yes! I like blurted too and I'm glad you do - but I've moved it slightly.


But I really do hope, she said gently, that we might, she looked at him with sincere, pious sorrow, be able to stay friends, she touched his hand, well, he replied, do you know, he replied, what I think of that, he replied, what, she said softly, large, damp eyes regarding the world with receptive wonder, It makes, he began, me want to leave, he told her, the country, he added, and go, he went on, somewhere harsh, he blurted, and unhygienic, he said strangulated, to ensure, he explained, that I will never, he insisted, have to see you or, he nearly sobbed, your stinking happiness (which does not include or depend on me in any way) ever again. He got up with knives in his shoulders, belly, ****, head, arse, upset a plant pot, knocked over a baby’s perambulator and crashed, self obliteratingly, into the keys of a grand piano as he made his way, with as much dignity as possible, towards the exit.

[white camellia]

Very well captured the paralleled situations of the two and thus the conflict with all those sighs and bitter feeling it caused. The utterances feel true and the sight real. The description in the end is excellent. The minor change of the verb usage makes it look better than the previous one. Imagine what is depicted here as a scene of a film, of a black-and-white film...Two disparate faces, spoken words off and on, abrupt noises, a sudden vibration of the strings...very impressive. Didn't get the meaning of the title at first, but later, I tended to think that the love for the shapes in the head is as hard as the situation.

[blp]

I like the idea that it's a black and white film, yes.

Good to get this one revived. I realised my local word version was the first and I hadn't, somehow, saved my changes, which I still think were improvements.

[Adolescent09]

My brain must be made of mush. I don't understand any of it one bit.. but if you're getting such positive comments for it, blp, it must be something great! Good job.

[blp]

And there was me thinking it was quite accessible. Well well.