Serenity?

[AimusSage]

The poem is cliché all the way, but I'll post it anyway.

I feel somewhat ashamed to show my poetry, after seeing the high quality by other posters. But I want to improve. So if someone would critique my work, Esp. The 'technical' aspects. (it is intended as a traditional Shakespearian sonnet, but I already got just about everything mixed up, including the rhyme scheme.)


Serenity

Hear this now! Oh volatile minds,
Do you not feel the serene winds of change?
Fear not the shifting thoughts you try to arrange,
Follow the footprints that lead towards delight.

A happy thought is fleeting in the winds,
But an unhappy one can last a lifetime,
Do not hold on to such desperate grime,
Dare chase the wind wherever it moves your sight.

Visit the four corners of the world and see,
You alone can match their serenity,
This peace of mind comes free of charge,
All it takes is to get up and chase the winds of change.

And after a pursuit that will last all your life,
You will learn what it means to be truly alive.

[Sitaram]

I have probably posted this elsewhere on the forum, but it is worth repeating here. Besides, whenever people complained to Socrates that he was repeating himself, he would simply say "Dis kai tris ta kala" (Twice and thrice the good/beautiful/noble")

I have the complete collection of the letters of Wallace Stevens. In one of those letters, someone asks his opinion regarding a certain poet N. (the publisher withheld the name, since that poet is still living). Wallace Stevens simply answered, "He does not write as though he has to." That simple remark really impressed me. What does it mean to "write because one must."

I think you should continue to write, and write for yourself. If you noticed that everyone else was far more clever at breathing than you are, would you stop breathing? No, of course not!

And, certainly, if you continue to write regularly, and study lots of famous poets, then you will improve.

There is a very old saying that "if something is worth doing, it is worth doing well." One day, someone changed that saying slightly to read "if something is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." Take jogging for example. When I was age 20, I used to jog five miles every day. Some highschool students saw me and mocked me, shouting as I passed what a poor runner I was. Well, I enjoyed running, and it was healthy for me. So what did it matter that I was not running like Bill Rogers the Boston Marathon champion?

There is an old African saying, "If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing."

I am going to try thinking out loud here, as I examine your poem.

You are speaking of "change", and I begin to think of Proteus, in the Odyssey.


http://library.thinkquest.org/19300/data/CompMyth/ulysses.htm#proteus



Chapter 3 is entitled "Proteus"

This chapter is an extreme flow of the consious minds, what Joyce aimed the novel to be. ... The chapter is also called this because of its flow and change of Stephen's thoughts.



I think of the word "Protean"

I think of the word "shimmer", water shimmers

Also, the Greek mythical beast the Chimera.

Your poem speaks of volatile change, and a quest for serenity.

Perhaps a good exercise for you would be to extract from this the fundamental elements you want to work with, and then, each week, try rewriting that same expression in different forms. It is not essential for you to restrict yourself to the sonnet form.

Spend some time regularly reading through the dictionary, and collecting words for their esthetic value. Find a word which attracts you in some fashion, either in sound or meaning. Then try using it in a verse.

(.... I am probably going to have to return to this post tomorrow morning... it has been a long day)