one Poem from China, need help & Thx!

[powerengine]

Hi, everybody. I am a English learner from China and first came here. Would anybody give me a hand?

Here, my school will hold a English poem contest and I just wrote one. I think, my poem has many errors in grammar and some sentences are catachrestic even though I have revised it many times. Now, I am wondering if u can check my poem and help me proofread or embellish it?

I really appreciate ur help and hope not to bother u too much.
Thank u!

PS: I wanna make penfriends with someone who are interesting in China or want to learn Chinese.
=====================================
the following is my poem:

Top Flight(revised version)

Not fail to follow the stars of eternal faith,
The twilight glow of hope, success and freedom.
Revved up my engine, and rode into the horizon.
O, slip the surly bonds of infirmities, difficulties and frustrations,
Climb sunward, and head into starry light.

Innumerable ordeals of the most grievous kind lay ahead,
Incessant turbulence ever threatening to overwhelm;
My Quest was beset with the desperate plight of all monstrous storms
Never surpassed in the lamentable catalogue in the bivouac of life.

Kindle one candle, rather than curse the darkness.
The darker the night, the brighter the star.
Let fear, doubt and disbelief all free my mind, in peace go, my love.
The higher I fly, the closer the dream comes.

Let my unflinching soul stand in the open door of the crucible,
With an intrepid heart for any terror.
Not shrink from the gravity of suffering and loss,
The blackness of sorrow and despair.
Refusing to leave my mighty wings to be enslaved by
The winds of chance and the hurricanes of disaster.

Let me spread the constant vision farsightedly under fortitudinous footprints.
Not fearing to approach these problems indefatigably,
With the unbending, undaunted courage to solve them aright.
Enduring the burden of a strenuous struggle from bitter toil
And supreme endeavor, year in and year out,
To win the splendid ultimate triumph,
With rejoicing in hope; patience in tribulation.

The trumpet summons again;
Polaris beckons me ever onward in this century of trial;
My eyes gaze upon the dimness of the first rays of dawn.

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue,
Hovering there, to chase the shouting wind aloft,
And fling my eager craft through footless halls of air.

The marvelous song echoes out forever and fills the unknowing frontier,
And I top the windswept heights with easy grace and steady buoyancy!


Special thanks to Sitaram!

[Sitaram]

Fail not to follow the stars of eternal faith,
And the twilight glow of hope, success and freedom.
I Revved my engine, rode toward the horizon, and began to touch and go.
O, slip the surly bonds of infirmities, difficulties and frustrations,
Climb sunward, and head into starry light.


This is very quick, (i am at work),... changing as little as possible of your original language and thoughts....

I shall work on this more later...

Pretty good for a student of English in China.... congratulations...

(more later...)

[Sitaram]

Innumerable ordeals of the most grievous kind lie ahead;
Incessant turbulence threatening to overwhelm,
My Quest beset with the desperate plight ofl monstrous storms
Never surpassed in the dark of tracks,
And lamentable catalogue in the bivouac of life.

(later this evening, I shall return to each posted stanza and make suggestions)..

[Sitaram]

Kindle one candle, rather than to curse the darkness.
The darker the night, the brighter the star.
Let fear, doubt and disbelief all free my mind, I shall seek peace.
The higher I fly, the closer to the dream I come.

[Sitaram]

Let my unflinching soul stand in the open door of crucible,
With an intrepid heart for any terror.
Shrink not from the gravity of suffering and loss,
The blackness of sorrow and despair.
Refused to leave my mighty wings to be enslaved by
The winds of chance and the hurricanes of disaster.

[Sitaram]

Let me spread the constant vision under mighty footprints.
Not fearing to approach these problems indefatigably,
With the unbending, undaunted courage to solve them aright.
Endured the burden of a strenuous struggle from bitter toil
And supreme endeavor, year in and year out,
To win the splendid ultimate triumph,
With rejoicing in hope; patience in tribulation.

[Sitaram]

O, the trumpet summons again;
Polaris beckons me ever onward in this century of trial;
My eyes gaze upon the dimness of the first rays of dawn.

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
Shoving into overdrive, hovering there, to chase the shouting wind aloft,
And fling my eager craft through footless halls of air.

The marvelous song echoes out forever and fills the unknowing frontier,
And I top the windswept heights with easy grace and steady buoyancy!

(no changes)....

At least... this is a start for us... I shall add more comments during the next 12 hours.

[Sitaram]

Ni hao ma! Wo buda hwey shwow nimenda hwa.

Wo shwow Zhong Wen.

Shye shye ni.

Bu kaw chi.

Main Entry: cat·a·chre·sis
Pronunciation: "ka-t&-'krE-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural cat·a·chre·ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: Latin, from Greek katachrEsis misuse, from katachrEsthai to use up, misuse, from kata- + chrEsthai to use
1 : use of the wrong word for the context
2 : use of a forced and especially paradoxical figure of speech (as blind mouths)

[Sitaram]

The overwhelming spirit of struggle expressed in your poem reminds me of many Communist posters and paintings I have seen. I tried to find links to some examples. These are not exactly what I had in mind, but they are fairly accurate in the feelings and mood they convey, which resembles the sentiments of your poem:

http://members.fortunecity.com/stalinmao/China/propaganda/cultural/wumin.jpg

http://members.fortunecity.com/stalinmao/China/propaganda/cultural/fully.jpg

http://members.fortunecity.com/stalinmao/China/propaganda/early/haquingwen.jpg

http://www.poster.com.pl/propaganda-1.htm

I in no way mean this to be a criticizm or "put-down" of such cultures or revolutionary spirit. These sentiments are something I can grasp intellectually and respect, but they are alien to me.

Perhaps what I attempt to express in my writings is alien to many.

I am reminded of football fighting cheers.



http://www.msu.edu/user/greenhut/web/links/fight/




FIGHT!!! You K-State Wildcats...
For Alma Mater Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Glory In The Combat
For The Purple And The White.

Faithful To Our Colors...
For We Shall Ever Be,
Fighting, Ever, Fighting
For a Wildcat victory!

Go State!



http://www.bestclips.com/poem-invictus.html

I am reminded of Invictus by William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903




Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

I am reminded of Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade"
http://www.nationalcenter.org/ChargeoftheLightBrigade.html



Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
Their's not to reason why,
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

[powerengine]

Sitaram, I can't thank you enough :banana: . I will read ur suggestions later.
amazing with ur Chinese although I can't understand all ur meaning in #8.
this poem is irrelevant to the culture or revolutionary spirit, and it only try to express a fighting spirit concerning our work, love or even life.

I will plough through the links ur mentioned and ur first book ;)

in the end, I really, really appreciate ur help, Sitaram.

[powerengine]

I have revised my poem in #1. hope Sitaram or somebody could polish it again, thx!
some suggestions have not been adopted coz I think they are open to consultation.

e.g.
first line: the original form of "not fail to..." is "I am not fail to...", and here I omit "I am",
first line in the fifth paragraph: I use "gutsiest" instead of "mighty" to avoid repetition. Of course, I am not sure whether gutsiest used in the poem is appropriate though I remember seeing the usage of "gutsiest" in some examples. ur further comments are welcomed.

Thanks again!

[Sitaram]

I am thinking about your poem, about your comment upon the struggle inherent in life, and also about your choice of the word "gutsiest".

I just now search google.com and I must admit there are many occurrences of the word "gutsiest" in various contexts.

http://www.triviahalloffame.com/avila.htm

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2440/lamarr.html



Dan Avila: the world's gutsiest quiz show contestant
-------------------------
HEDY LAMARR
The world's gutsiest actress!



I do hear the phrase "that takes guts" or "it takes a lot of guts", usually regarding combat in war, but also, acts of daring and bravery. It is not usually considered a poetic word. It's not a naughty or dirty word certainly.

I do want to make a point about words, poetry and native speakers. Often, when the topic of a foreign language comes up, one of the first things people will say is "well, I learned all the dirty words". If we learn to say a word that is very vulgar or disgusting in a foreign language, we are then able to say it to a native speaker and feel amused at their reaction of shock or disgust. But the point I would like to make is that we do not OURSELVES feel the shock or disgust of that word. I thought it was cool to use the British term "bloody", because I heard on television. To me, it was simply something quaint and British-sounding. I could not understand the shock that people (older people) would exhibit at the use of such a word.

Euphemisms are an attempt to use nicer words in place of cruder words. If you were to meet a widow, you might speak of her husband's "passing" or you might say your "late" husband, but you would not say "I hear your husband croaked" or "too bad he kicked the bucket".


When I was age 6, and on my uncle's dairy farm, I would see my cousin shoot woodchucks and then cut them open for the dogs to eat. I watched the dogs savoring the warm guts of the animal, spilling out from the cut in the stomach.

When I was 11, I remember shocking my classmates with the phrase "blood and guts", though I can't remember where I first encountered that phrase.


Patton's "Blood and Guts" speech:

http://www.geoffmetcalf.com/patton_20010914.html

http://www.pejmanesque.com/archives/006248.html

[Sitaram]

The use of "O" is an archaic form

We are accustomed to hearing the Star Spangled Banner begin "O, say can you see..."

But when we try to use it in a poem, it sometimes has an undesired, comical effect.



O, slip

O, the higher I fly

O, the trumpet summons again



I am reminded of a similar archaic word. "Lo". as in "Lo and behold!"

The word "Lo!" occurs in the Qu'ran with astounding frequency as opposed to the less frequent occurance of the word in the Bible. If I remember correctly, it occurs in the Qu'ran on almost every page, and there is even a verse in which it occurs FOUR TIMES!

A search on " lo " (with a space on either side, but no double quotes)
in this search engine:

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/reference/searchquran.html

Will bring up many examples such as this:

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/quran/007.qmt.html#007.196

where a text search on LO with ctrl-F will bring you to each occurance and give you a feeling for the overwhelming frequency.


By contrast, a quick glance and Strongs Exhaustive Concordance of the Old and New Testament confirms the fact that the phrase "Lo!" is only used 127 times in the entire Old testament, and only THIRTY ONE times in the entire New Testament. Bear in mind that the total word count of the Qu'ran cover to cover is much smaller than the word count of the Old and New Testaments combined.

Perhaps it is not unfair to say that, in modern English verse, even one "O" is one too many.

In my four years of high school Latin, I frequently encountered Vergil's phrase "Mirabile victu" and "Mirable dictu" ("Marvelous to behold" and "Marvelous to relate").

[powerengine]

I admited you are right. gutsy may be slang and is inappropriate to the poem. and I think it is a common problem to english learners how to use the confusing words in appropriate places correctly.

then, how about plucky? I am not sure.

I have revised the poem again in #1, any mistake now? I hope I can wrap it up in this weekend.

Sitaram, thanks again. you really have a heart of gold.

[Sitaram]

I doubt if many students of Chinese in the U.S.A could come up with an equally good poem in Chinese that is as easy to read and coherent as your English poem. I think you have accomplished something wonderful.

Gutsiest stands head and shoulders above plucky, since the word plucky bring to mind plucking the feathers off a chicken. As I read your poem, I would prefer to think of General Patton than a naked Foghorn Leghorn (a cartoon rooster character). Take my word, stick with gutsiest, that's what Shakespeare would have done in your shoes. It is now 7AM and I have some things to do, but I will try to read over the poem again before the end of the day.

[powerengine]

Thanks!
some of praise must be attributed to ur help, Sitaram, if it is a quite good poem.
as u mentioned, some other poems were used for reference and, because I am in China where lacks english environment, I am not sure whether or not they are the right usage.

I have revised the poem again before the deadline.
hope sitaram or someone else can give some comments or suggestions.

PS: welcome to China, and pls drop me a line if u are interested in China or Chinese.
my mail is: orchidstar(at)21cn.com

Sitaram, have a sweet weekend!

[mycarlover]

:iagree:yes,you can find quite example about Euphemism in Chinese poem,its is a substitution for words that may offend or suggest something unpleasant to the reader, using instead less offensive expression
to make it less troublesome ~~

[Jassy Melson]

I think your poem is a triumphant clarion call celebrating endurance and will. I was uplifted as I read it. You are pretty proficient in English already. I found some lines to be better than many lines by English and American poets writing about the same subject as you. All I can say is keep on doing what you're doing, and eventually, you will be a major poetic voice. I mean that with all sincerity.