Biggus
12-14-2020, 12:37 PM
HUMEROUS HAIKU # 6
The left eye once said
To the right eye, Between you
And me, something smells
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO DO SOMETHING
My doctor told me to do something
That leaves me breathless
So I’ve started smoking again
Now I’m breathless and stressless
MATRIMONIAL TOME
Sometimes I wish
My wife was a book
Simply because
You can shut up a book
TIM VINE STARTS BY SHOUTING
Tim Vine starts by shouting
The chimney puns out
He’s got a stack of them
The first one is on the house
IT'S SAD THAT IN DEMOCRATIC AMERICA
It's sad that in Democratic America
That Black Friday gives them more of a lift
Than Good Friday, as they are more
Interested in bargains than the greatest gift
A SLUG IS A CURIOSITY
A slug is a curiosity
But if you check their genome
You’ll find they are snails
Who have lost their home
SOMEBODY COMPLIMENTED ME
Somebody complimented me
On my driving today, that’s right mine
They even left a little note to say
And the envelope read ‘Parking Fine.’
HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 1
Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school
Because there’s a lot of bullying
They really try to keep them out
But somehow, they still Slytherin
KARMA RESTAURANT
I went to a new restaurant
Called “Karma” and I observed
There was no menu, but everybody
Got what they deserved
DIFFERENCES # 4
There is a difference,
Which you will find,
Is quite definite
Between a plastic model,
And an MP.
As one is a glue less kit
BUYING POWER
There are some who say
Money can’t buy everything
Of course, there are others
Who just resort to shoplifting
WHENEVER I DECIDE TO EAT HEALTHILY
Whenever I decide to eat healthily,
In order to fit into my knickers,
I suddenly see a chocolate bar
Which then looks at me and snickers
KNOWING PEOPLE AS I DO
Knowing people as I do
I know somewhere, someone
At this very moment
Is showering with a mask on
I WAS TIED UP IN THE DAIRY
I was tied up in the dairy
By a milkmaid
Just the other day
Which was where
She inflicted on me
Fifty shades of Whey
GLASS NOT HALF FULL
I have to say I’m not
A “glass half full”
Type of person
I’m more of a
“Where did I put my glass”
Kind of person
I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT
I was told I needed a brain transplant,
But I didn’t want anything of that kind
But the Doctors kept going on at me
So eventually they changed my mind
THE SAND WAS WET
The sand was wet
Very wet indeed
And that was because
The seaweed
CULINARY DIFFERENCES
The difference between
Pea soup and roast beef
Is simple enough to deduce
You can roast beef
WELL UNCLE BEN IS RACIST
Well Uncle Ben is racist
Or so the Woke decry
And that’s the end of him
So, no more Mr Rice Guy
SAYING SOMETHING KIND
Saying something kind,
Will cost you nout
Shut up altogether will
Cost even less no doubt
HUMEROUS HAIKU # 1
I heard about the
Claustrophobic astronaut
Who wanted some space
The left eye once said
To the right eye, Between you
And me, something smells
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO DO SOMETHING
My doctor told me to do something
That leaves me breathless
So I’ve started smoking again
Now I’m breathless and stressless
MATRIMONIAL TOME
Sometimes I wish
My wife was a book
Simply because
You can shut up a book
TIM VINE STARTS BY SHOUTING
Tim Vine starts by shouting
The chimney puns out
He’s got a stack of them
The first one is on the house
IT'S SAD THAT IN DEMOCRATIC AMERICA
It's sad that in Democratic America
That Black Friday gives them more of a lift
Than Good Friday, as they are more
Interested in bargains than the greatest gift
A SLUG IS A CURIOSITY
A slug is a curiosity
But if you check their genome
You’ll find they are snails
Who have lost their home
SOMEBODY COMPLIMENTED ME
Somebody complimented me
On my driving today, that’s right mine
They even left a little note to say
And the envelope read ‘Parking Fine.’
HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 1
Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school
Because there’s a lot of bullying
They really try to keep them out
But somehow, they still Slytherin
KARMA RESTAURANT
I went to a new restaurant
Called “Karma” and I observed
There was no menu, but everybody
Got what they deserved
DIFFERENCES # 4
There is a difference,
Which you will find,
Is quite definite
Between a plastic model,
And an MP.
As one is a glue less kit
BUYING POWER
There are some who say
Money can’t buy everything
Of course, there are others
Who just resort to shoplifting
WHENEVER I DECIDE TO EAT HEALTHILY
Whenever I decide to eat healthily,
In order to fit into my knickers,
I suddenly see a chocolate bar
Which then looks at me and snickers
KNOWING PEOPLE AS I DO
Knowing people as I do
I know somewhere, someone
At this very moment
Is showering with a mask on
I WAS TIED UP IN THE DAIRY
I was tied up in the dairy
By a milkmaid
Just the other day
Which was where
She inflicted on me
Fifty shades of Whey
GLASS NOT HALF FULL
I have to say I’m not
A “glass half full”
Type of person
I’m more of a
“Where did I put my glass”
Kind of person
I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT
I was told I needed a brain transplant,
But I didn’t want anything of that kind
But the Doctors kept going on at me
So eventually they changed my mind
THE SAND WAS WET
The sand was wet
Very wet indeed
And that was because
The seaweed
CULINARY DIFFERENCES
The difference between
Pea soup and roast beef
Is simple enough to deduce
You can roast beef
WELL UNCLE BEN IS RACIST
Well Uncle Ben is racist
Or so the Woke decry
And that’s the end of him
So, no more Mr Rice Guy
SAYING SOMETHING KIND
Saying something kind,
Will cost you nout
Shut up altogether will
Cost even less no doubt
HUMEROUS HAIKU # 1
I heard about the
Claustrophobic astronaut
Who wanted some space