Biggus
10-21-2020, 09:04 AM
I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 4
I’m something of a joker
I wouldn’t stop at any price
I even have a Geology joke
But to be fare it’s not gneiss
BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED STOCKINGS
Black and white striped stockings
Was all that the witch was wearing
Apart from the tradition headwear
And ankle boots, so it was very daring
And when the witch asked “Trick or Treat”
She clearly wasn’t there for the scaring
HUMEROUS HAIKU # 16
How do you get two
Whales in a car? just Start in
England and drive west.
IF YOUR DOG IS STRUCK WITH A FEVER
If your Dog is struck with a fever
Consult you medical catalogue
And you’ll find mustard is the cure
As it’s the best thing for a hot dog
FOGHORN’S MILD MANNERED COUSIN
Foghorn’s mild mannered cousin
Is a newspaper correspondent
For the Chicken House Gazzette
And his cousins’ name is Kluck Kent
I WENT TO BUYA NEW TIME PIECE
I went to a posh jeweler to buy a new time piece,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
In response the man in the shop said “Analogue?”
And I replied “No, I just want to buy a watch"
KFC HAVE CROSSBRED
KFC have crossbred
A centipede with a chicken
So for the first time ever
There’ll be a leg for everyone
DODO
The difference between a Dodo
And a field of Cos and Lollo Roso
Is that one is a funny beast
And the other is a bunny feast
TWO SMITTEN YOUNG SPIDERS
Two smitten young spiders,
Called Ryan and Debs
Eloped to Gretna Green
And came home as newly-webs
MR AND MRS COTTON-MOUTH
Mr and Mrs Cotton-Mouth
Were the snake undertakers
And when they got married
Gifts were Hiss and Hearse
THE FLEA CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN
The Flea Circus was in town
And a Dog was keen to go
So he bought himself a ticket
As a result, he stole the show
I SPOTTED A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
I spotted a chemistry student
Entering the toilets the other day
He washed his hands on the way in
Which is always a dead giveaway
DID YOU HEAR OXYGEN
Did you hear oxygen
Is going out with magnesium
The first atom asked
OMg said the second atom
MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT
My teacher is extremely ancient
But I don’t want to be thought a fool
But it is the truth as he told us
He taught Shakespeare at his old school
A MAN IN LOVE IS INCOMPLETE
A man in love is incomplete
Until he is married
According Zsa Zsa Gabor
And then he’s finished
THE TRAFFIC COP STOPPED A TRUCK
The traffic cop stopped a truck
And told the driver that his wife
Had fallen out of the back, and
As a result the woman lost her life
The driver though was not bereft
But relieved he hadn’t gone deaf
IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
In the English language,
In my view
The longest sentence
Is clearly, I do
THE ABSENT GIFT
The man explained why he hadn’t
Got his wife a gift for her birthday
The previous year he bought her
The nice plot in the cemetery
That she had requested, and she
Hadn’t used it, and he was unhappy
AFTER GETTING HOME LATE ONE NIGHT
After getting home late one night, very drunk,
He sees something that will forever scar his brain
And the consequence of seeing two of his wife
He quit drinking so he wouldn’t see that again
SHE PUT THE ASHES IN AN EGG TIMER
She put the ashes in an egg timer
After her husband’s final breath
So he would at least be useful
Around the house after his death
I’m something of a joker
I wouldn’t stop at any price
I even have a Geology joke
But to be fare it’s not gneiss
BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED STOCKINGS
Black and white striped stockings
Was all that the witch was wearing
Apart from the tradition headwear
And ankle boots, so it was very daring
And when the witch asked “Trick or Treat”
She clearly wasn’t there for the scaring
HUMEROUS HAIKU # 16
How do you get two
Whales in a car? just Start in
England and drive west.
IF YOUR DOG IS STRUCK WITH A FEVER
If your Dog is struck with a fever
Consult you medical catalogue
And you’ll find mustard is the cure
As it’s the best thing for a hot dog
FOGHORN’S MILD MANNERED COUSIN
Foghorn’s mild mannered cousin
Is a newspaper correspondent
For the Chicken House Gazzette
And his cousins’ name is Kluck Kent
I WENT TO BUYA NEW TIME PIECE
I went to a posh jeweler to buy a new time piece,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
In response the man in the shop said “Analogue?”
And I replied “No, I just want to buy a watch"
KFC HAVE CROSSBRED
KFC have crossbred
A centipede with a chicken
So for the first time ever
There’ll be a leg for everyone
DODO
The difference between a Dodo
And a field of Cos and Lollo Roso
Is that one is a funny beast
And the other is a bunny feast
TWO SMITTEN YOUNG SPIDERS
Two smitten young spiders,
Called Ryan and Debs
Eloped to Gretna Green
And came home as newly-webs
MR AND MRS COTTON-MOUTH
Mr and Mrs Cotton-Mouth
Were the snake undertakers
And when they got married
Gifts were Hiss and Hearse
THE FLEA CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN
The Flea Circus was in town
And a Dog was keen to go
So he bought himself a ticket
As a result, he stole the show
I SPOTTED A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
I spotted a chemistry student
Entering the toilets the other day
He washed his hands on the way in
Which is always a dead giveaway
DID YOU HEAR OXYGEN
Did you hear oxygen
Is going out with magnesium
The first atom asked
OMg said the second atom
MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT
My teacher is extremely ancient
But I don’t want to be thought a fool
But it is the truth as he told us
He taught Shakespeare at his old school
A MAN IN LOVE IS INCOMPLETE
A man in love is incomplete
Until he is married
According Zsa Zsa Gabor
And then he’s finished
THE TRAFFIC COP STOPPED A TRUCK
The traffic cop stopped a truck
And told the driver that his wife
Had fallen out of the back, and
As a result the woman lost her life
The driver though was not bereft
But relieved he hadn’t gone deaf
IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
In the English language,
In my view
The longest sentence
Is clearly, I do
THE ABSENT GIFT
The man explained why he hadn’t
Got his wife a gift for her birthday
The previous year he bought her
The nice plot in the cemetery
That she had requested, and she
Hadn’t used it, and he was unhappy
AFTER GETTING HOME LATE ONE NIGHT
After getting home late one night, very drunk,
He sees something that will forever scar his brain
And the consequence of seeing two of his wife
He quit drinking so he wouldn’t see that again
SHE PUT THE ASHES IN AN EGG TIMER
She put the ashes in an egg timer
After her husband’s final breath
So he would at least be useful
Around the house after his death