Biggus
07-07-2020, 06:44 AM
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 434
There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent her time in widows’ weeds;
She mourned for her team
And premier league dream
This hopeful old woman of Leeds!
CHEESE DYNASTY
The dynasty of the Worlds
Richest cheese is built on
Family values and the daughter
Of that dynasty is Paris Stilton
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 5
I spend half an hour searching
for my glasses beside the bed
Only to discover find that they
were on the top of my head
USE AS DIRECTED
If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care
POTATOES ARE A STAPLE
Potatoes are a staple
On St Patrick’s Day
And mashed potatoes
Are just Irish Guacamole
I BECAME VERY FRUSTRATED TODAY
I became very frustrated today
When repeatedly told to press any key
Because on my computer keyboard
I can confirm there is no “any” key
MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT
There is a natural order in life
There are rules to be understood
For example, bearing children
There is a time limit on motherhood
The term “childbearing years”
Was coined for a very simple reason
So that everything in life
Can have its time and season
A Woman over fifty is ill equipped
To show a baby proper care
As she would put the baby down
And then forget where
SWEET MYSTERY
For Valentine’s Day
My husband, so sweet
Bought handmade chocolates
For me as a treat
In a flower covered box
Came the delicious confection
But I am at a loss to answer
A most curious question
How can two pounds of chocs
So delicious on the lips
Manage in just one night
To put 5lbs on my hips
SENIOR HIGH
I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that
AGES OF MAN
You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git
THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 3
The meat markets are busy
Take a look if you’re able
Some meat prices fluctuate
But Horse remains stable
I HAVE A DIFFICULTY WITH HEDGEHOGS
I have a difficulty with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to declare
It’s just a hedge, so I find it very hard
To understand why they can’t share?
INSIDE EVERY SINGLE RUSSIAN DOLL
Inside every single Russian Doll
There are even more Russian Dolls
If you listen, you can hear them shout
As they scream in unison to be let out
IT IS PERFECTLY CLEAR TO MOST OF US
It is perfectly clear to most of us
That atoms are the most conniving
Deceitful and untrustworthy
Because they make up everything
BAD DRINKING HABIT
I went out for a walk,
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“That stuff will kill you,
Which would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” he said
“I can stop anytime”
LOW TECH POLICING
The police have now been issued, with pencils
And very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech,
It’s a brand-new initiative being rolled out, so that
When crimes occur, they can trace the suspect
WHENEVER I DO ANY DECORATING
Whenever I do any decorating
I always choose my stepladder
And the simple reason for that is
I don't get on with my real ladder
AT THE DOCTORS SURGERY
I went to my old Doctor’s place
"I've hurt my arm in several places"
I told him wincing from the pain
He advised "well don't go there again"
I REGULARLY MEET MY GIRLFRIEND
I regularly meet my girlfriend
For some, one to one time
So, we have the familiar routine
Of meeting up at 12:59
GETTING ON # 7
I’m not interested in retirement,
It’s not what I want to pursue
Listening to my arteries hardening
As I sit and attempt to do Sudoku
There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent her time in widows’ weeds;
She mourned for her team
And premier league dream
This hopeful old woman of Leeds!
CHEESE DYNASTY
The dynasty of the Worlds
Richest cheese is built on
Family values and the daughter
Of that dynasty is Paris Stilton
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 5
I spend half an hour searching
for my glasses beside the bed
Only to discover find that they
were on the top of my head
USE AS DIRECTED
If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care
POTATOES ARE A STAPLE
Potatoes are a staple
On St Patrick’s Day
And mashed potatoes
Are just Irish Guacamole
I BECAME VERY FRUSTRATED TODAY
I became very frustrated today
When repeatedly told to press any key
Because on my computer keyboard
I can confirm there is no “any” key
MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT
There is a natural order in life
There are rules to be understood
For example, bearing children
There is a time limit on motherhood
The term “childbearing years”
Was coined for a very simple reason
So that everything in life
Can have its time and season
A Woman over fifty is ill equipped
To show a baby proper care
As she would put the baby down
And then forget where
SWEET MYSTERY
For Valentine’s Day
My husband, so sweet
Bought handmade chocolates
For me as a treat
In a flower covered box
Came the delicious confection
But I am at a loss to answer
A most curious question
How can two pounds of chocs
So delicious on the lips
Manage in just one night
To put 5lbs on my hips
SENIOR HIGH
I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that
AGES OF MAN
You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git
THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 3
The meat markets are busy
Take a look if you’re able
Some meat prices fluctuate
But Horse remains stable
I HAVE A DIFFICULTY WITH HEDGEHOGS
I have a difficulty with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to declare
It’s just a hedge, so I find it very hard
To understand why they can’t share?
INSIDE EVERY SINGLE RUSSIAN DOLL
Inside every single Russian Doll
There are even more Russian Dolls
If you listen, you can hear them shout
As they scream in unison to be let out
IT IS PERFECTLY CLEAR TO MOST OF US
It is perfectly clear to most of us
That atoms are the most conniving
Deceitful and untrustworthy
Because they make up everything
BAD DRINKING HABIT
I went out for a walk,
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“That stuff will kill you,
Which would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” he said
“I can stop anytime”
LOW TECH POLICING
The police have now been issued, with pencils
And very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech,
It’s a brand-new initiative being rolled out, so that
When crimes occur, they can trace the suspect
WHENEVER I DO ANY DECORATING
Whenever I do any decorating
I always choose my stepladder
And the simple reason for that is
I don't get on with my real ladder
AT THE DOCTORS SURGERY
I went to my old Doctor’s place
"I've hurt my arm in several places"
I told him wincing from the pain
He advised "well don't go there again"
I REGULARLY MEET MY GIRLFRIEND
I regularly meet my girlfriend
For some, one to one time
So, we have the familiar routine
Of meeting up at 12:59
GETTING ON # 7
I’m not interested in retirement,
It’s not what I want to pursue
Listening to my arteries hardening
As I sit and attempt to do Sudoku