Biggus
04-30-2020, 08:06 AM
WHAT'S E.T. SHORT FOR
Somebody once said to me
“What's E.T. short for?”
I said I really didn’t know,
Which was what he was hoping for,
“He's only got little legs” he said
Which I hadn’t thought of before
TWITTER ADDICTION
“Please help me,
I’m addicted to Twitter!”
A man tells his doctor,
“What should I do?”
The doctor thought
About it for a moment
Before he replied,
“Sorry, I'm not following you”
LARCENY STREET
I didn't know that my dad
Was a street furniture larcenist
But at my dad’s home, were
All the signs that I’d missed
TO PARAPHRASE THE GREAT FRANK CAPRA
To paraphrase the great Frank Capra
“I thought drama was when actors cried
But I was clearly mistaken in that belief
As drama is when the audience cries”
ALPHABETICAL FRIENDS
I want to be friends with all
Of the alphabet and I really try
But I have only managed
Twenty-five, I don’t know Y
I GOT A BIRTHDAY CARD TODAY
I got a Birthday card today
And it was full of rice again
I knew instantly why, because
It was from my Uncle Ben
THE MSM GETS ME DOWN
The MSM gets me down
With their depressing lament
So, I am avoiding the news
Like the plague at the moment
IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO BUY TOILET ROLL
If you are struggling to buy toilet roll
Find a suitable alternative if you can
And one appropriate solution would be
To wipe your arse with the Guardian
STAR WARS CHEESE
What cheese do they serve
In the Star Wars cafeteria
Or in a galaxy far far away?
The answer is Boba Feta
GOLD SILVER OR BRONZE
Gold, Silver or Bronze
That is the obvious question
What hue will his urine be
When they test the Russian
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON # 2
“Everything happens for a reason”
Not a very appropriate old refrain
When you think you’re going to fart
And you follow through on the train
THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 1
The meat markets are busy
Take a look for the proof
Horse meat prices are down
In fact they’re through the hoof
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 1
I have a Universal Remote control
Which I have had for quite a while
But I tried for ages to turn on the Radio
It turned out I was using my mobile
I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 2
You know you’re getting old
When you start to curse and mutter
After realising you spread face cream
On your bread instead of butter
SHE HAD BUTTERFLIES IN HER STOMACH
She had butterflies in her stomach
When she walked round the Zoo
Which is why she was later banned
From the Butterfly House and the Zoo
GETTING ON # 3
I may be getting on in years
But it’s not all doom and gloom
I have the body of an 18-year-old,
Which I keep in the spare room
IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 1
It was pitiful to see, He was totally inept
Basic problems he was struggling to deal
He’d struggle to pour water from a boot
With the instructions printed on the heel
I REMEMBER THE TIME IN MY YOUTH
I remember the time in my youth
When I was allowed to stay up late
On New Year’s Eve and I was thrilled
But now on that ominous date
As I have reached middle age
Being forced to participate is my fate
OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED
Old age has definitely
Arrived in your life when,
Your enthusiastic efforts
To catch the attention
Of a friend in the street,
Are met with looks of
Increasing terror, as you
Draw nearer and embrace
A complete stranger
JOHN MCENROE ONCE SAID
John McEnroe once said,
And I completely agree,
That “The older we get
The better we used to be”
Somebody once said to me
“What's E.T. short for?”
I said I really didn’t know,
Which was what he was hoping for,
“He's only got little legs” he said
Which I hadn’t thought of before
TWITTER ADDICTION
“Please help me,
I’m addicted to Twitter!”
A man tells his doctor,
“What should I do?”
The doctor thought
About it for a moment
Before he replied,
“Sorry, I'm not following you”
LARCENY STREET
I didn't know that my dad
Was a street furniture larcenist
But at my dad’s home, were
All the signs that I’d missed
TO PARAPHRASE THE GREAT FRANK CAPRA
To paraphrase the great Frank Capra
“I thought drama was when actors cried
But I was clearly mistaken in that belief
As drama is when the audience cries”
ALPHABETICAL FRIENDS
I want to be friends with all
Of the alphabet and I really try
But I have only managed
Twenty-five, I don’t know Y
I GOT A BIRTHDAY CARD TODAY
I got a Birthday card today
And it was full of rice again
I knew instantly why, because
It was from my Uncle Ben
THE MSM GETS ME DOWN
The MSM gets me down
With their depressing lament
So, I am avoiding the news
Like the plague at the moment
IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO BUY TOILET ROLL
If you are struggling to buy toilet roll
Find a suitable alternative if you can
And one appropriate solution would be
To wipe your arse with the Guardian
STAR WARS CHEESE
What cheese do they serve
In the Star Wars cafeteria
Or in a galaxy far far away?
The answer is Boba Feta
GOLD SILVER OR BRONZE
Gold, Silver or Bronze
That is the obvious question
What hue will his urine be
When they test the Russian
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON # 2
“Everything happens for a reason”
Not a very appropriate old refrain
When you think you’re going to fart
And you follow through on the train
THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 1
The meat markets are busy
Take a look for the proof
Horse meat prices are down
In fact they’re through the hoof
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 1
I have a Universal Remote control
Which I have had for quite a while
But I tried for ages to turn on the Radio
It turned out I was using my mobile
I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 2
You know you’re getting old
When you start to curse and mutter
After realising you spread face cream
On your bread instead of butter
SHE HAD BUTTERFLIES IN HER STOMACH
She had butterflies in her stomach
When she walked round the Zoo
Which is why she was later banned
From the Butterfly House and the Zoo
GETTING ON # 3
I may be getting on in years
But it’s not all doom and gloom
I have the body of an 18-year-old,
Which I keep in the spare room
IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 1
It was pitiful to see, He was totally inept
Basic problems he was struggling to deal
He’d struggle to pour water from a boot
With the instructions printed on the heel
I REMEMBER THE TIME IN MY YOUTH
I remember the time in my youth
When I was allowed to stay up late
On New Year’s Eve and I was thrilled
But now on that ominous date
As I have reached middle age
Being forced to participate is my fate
OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED
Old age has definitely
Arrived in your life when,
Your enthusiastic efforts
To catch the attention
Of a friend in the street,
Are met with looks of
Increasing terror, as you
Draw nearer and embrace
A complete stranger
JOHN MCENROE ONCE SAID
John McEnroe once said,
And I completely agree,
That “The older we get
The better we used to be”