Santa's Booze

[Hawkman]

Never mess with Santa's booze, nor fiddle with his pies,
The Christmas spirit's lacking, if greed shows in one's eyes.
So, covet not your neighbour's tot, his sweet meats; let them be.
On Christmas Day it doesn't pay to steal, as you will see.
For Santa can be tetchy, he don't like those who sin.
And if you're bad, your hoped for pressie winds up in the bin.
He punishes the sinners, or so I have been told;
That Ho, Ho, Ho can grate a bit, when all you get is coal.
(Though, in the cruel midwinter, when snow lies deep and thick,
A lump of coke or nutty slack can ease your pain a bit).
But Rudolph crossed the rubicon, he drank all Santa's rum,
And then he tried to get it on with poor old Santa's mum!
For such a heinous deviant, well, coal will never do
The punishment for these foul acts - swift, permanent, and true.
And this is how the naughty reindeer came to lose his head,
He'll never pull the sleigh again, just holds your hat instead.

[Hawkman]

Poor Rudolph

Santa's not a happy bloke,
He gave Rudolph the chop,
For when the chap got home last night
He couldn't have his tot.

It turned out Rudolph drank his rum,
Even knowing it was naughty,
And then he looked at Mrs Claus
And came all over sporty.

But Father Christmas didn't know
The reindeer'd got so frisky,
Showing off his horn for her
Then starting on the whisky.

He'd only seen the tell tale signs
Around his empty jug,
Like hoof prints in the carpet pile
And lipstick on his mug.

And then it was that Santa twigged
Why Rudolph's nose glowed red,
He was nicking all the Christmas booze,
So now, poor Rudolph's dead.

[MANICHAEAN]

Hahaha!!!!

Never really considered the prospect of Rudolph's intentions on Santa's mum not being honourable.

You might like to explain "nutty slack" to our American Lit Netters.

And no happy ending. What will the moderators do?

[Jerrybaldy]

They were read to me by a Pam Ayers voice in my head. Great festive work old chum!

[Hawkman]

Man: hey there, matey. Thanks for stopping by to cast your eye over my festive verses, and especially for taking the time to let me know you had. As for nutty slack, the references to coal and coke, though appropriate and self explanatory, should, perhaps, be differentiated from the kind of coke more commonly consumed on the Western side of the Herring Pond. So folks, you don't drink the Coke, nor do you snort it. You burn it in the grate to keep warm. There. I'm glad that's sorted out... :D happy to have given you a giggle.

JB: why thank'ee, comrade. Glad you enjoyed them. Thanks for stopping by.

Live long and prosper - H

Pam Ayers, eh? Oh well. Now I know what you sound like in your own head! :D :D :D

[AuntShecky]

The Rudy who's making mischief for us on these here shores reminds us more of Halloween than Christmas.

But your toping Rudy forgot to capitalize the "r" in Rubicon before he "seized" her.

And by the bye, before you guys get all Brexit on us, enlighten us on the following Brittania:

1. What is "figgy pudding?"

2. Who the hell is Pam Ayers?

Seasons Greetings, and May the God of your Choice Bless Us Everyone!

[Hawkman]

Hiya Auntie, figgy pudding was a Christmas pudding with figs in. Can't say I've ever tried it. Pam Ayers should be googlable. But she is a Westcountry poetess/commedienne/tv presenter, etc. She has a strong Westcountry accent which she uses to good effect.

May all your turkeys be festive and well stuffed.

Live and be well - H