Need Some Feedback

[apstudent]

I am about to leave for college, and I needed to tell my girlfriend how I felt about her before I left, so I wrote this poem. I am really not much of a poet, but I think this will get my point across. Tell me what you think of it, and if you think it will work.

I saw you kissing that guy last week,
and believe me, it wasn't on the cheek,
I walked away in shock, thats true,
7 months and I hadn't had a clue.

You did not notice me walk away,
That night, now so far away,
If I was allowed, I would slap you across the face,
Or spray you for three minutes with mace,
However, I decide to let you go,
All my friends were right, you're a stupid hoe.


Please, tell me if she'll like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o lol

[Phoenix_Tears]

well i like it.. exept for the last line.. stupid hoe..? it was going all great and flowing well and i liked it.. but the last line just did not seem right for whatever reason. you are wrong by the way. you are a very good poet. i gather from the poem that she was cheating on you? then in that case what in the heavens or the firey pits of hell are you waiting for? give it to her already!
-best wishes-
-p.s.
any guy that is deep enough to write a poem to a gf about what he feels, and she was cheating on him, deserves better.

[apstudent]

Thanks for the feedback, and you're right, she was cheating, and you're right, we are done.Done.Done.Done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am tired of it all. Thanks again.

[Ammaria]

I don't think she'll like it but I do think its a creative way to give her a metaphorical slap in the face and help her recognize how her actions affect other people. (And I agree with Phoenix Tears about "stupid hoe", you're a creative guy. You can come up with something better. ;) )

[apstudent]

You all didn't like the stupid hoe part huh. Well, this is like a special edition DVD, I'll give you some alternate last lines.

decide to let you go,
I hope that mole that you had removed continues to grow.


decide to let you go,
want to feel my fro?

decide to let you go,
you sweat, not glow.

decide to let you go,
I hope you you get arrested by the PoPo.

decide to let you go,
anyone have any suggestions?

[Phoenix_Tears]

ummm.. this is prolly really gay...the others are comical fro?lol
your coldness has hardened my heart to snow-
kinda weird because snow is not really hard.
i'd use it but whatever floats the boat..
i'll think an sleep on it. i am most creative late at night.
must be the quietness

[apstudent]

Come on guys, a little help on the last line.

I decide to let you go,
You have a really ugly pinky toe.

I decide to let you go,
To call you pretty one's eyestight must be very low.

I decide to let you go,
you can still get a job in an ugly show.

I decide to let you go,
Hope you crash your daddy-bought Tahoe.

I really dont know, help me out please.

[Matt]

I know it's really cheesey and clicheed but howabout: "what might have been, we'll never know". :rolleyes:

Taunts and heckling welcome.

[Phoenix_Tears]

ok ap, now you are being silly. i like matts suggestion. but you must have a great sense of some humour. hehe haha..lol
- D -

[Ammaria]

I like Matt's suggestion too. Or something along those lines. It gives one a sense of finality and maturity on your part (whether or not its true wink ).

[Phoenix_Tears]

sO tHeRe aP . yOu ArE sET. yOu ShOuLd kEeP wRtINg YoU COuLd bE ReAlLy gOOd. BuT WIth yOUR FUNNY creaTIVe ity WhY don'
t you try some funny poems. like making fun of macd's.

[apstudent]

OK, Thanks for everyone's feedback, I think I will use Matt's suggestion, even though she will no someone helped me, it just sounds too darned mature for me. D

Funny poems huh, I might give it a try.

[Phoenix_Tears]

ap, your putting yourself down! with a little thought all things are possible.