My Magnificent System





In these days when the streets are so perilous, every man who goes about
the city ought to be sure that his pockets are in good order, so that
when he is run down by a roaring motor-truck the police will have no
trouble in identifying him and communicating with his creditors.

I have always been very proud of my pocket system. As others may wish to
install it, I will describe it briefly. If I am found prostrate and
lifeless on the paving, I can quickly be identified by the following
arrangement of my private affairs:

In my right-hand trouser leg is a large hole, partially surrounded by
pocket.

In my left-hand trouser pocket is a complicated bunch of keys. I am not
quite sure what they all belong to, as I rarely lock anything. They are
very useful, however, as when I walk rapidly they evolve a shrill
jingling which often conveys the impression of minted coinage. One of
them, I think, unlocks the coffer where I secretly preserve the pair of
spats I bought when I became engaged.

My right-hand hip pocket is used, in summer, for the handkerchief
reserves (hayfever sufferers, please notice); and, in winter, for
stamps. It is tapestried with a sheet of three-cent engravings that got
in there by mistake last July, and adhered.

My left-hand hip pocket holds my memorandum book, which contains only
one entry: _Remember not to forget anything_.

The left-hand upper waistcoat pocket holds a pencil, a commutation
ticket and a pipe cleaner.

The left-hand lower waistcoat pocket contains what the ignorant will
esteem scraps of paper. This, however, is the hub and nerve center of my
mnemonic system. When I want to remember anything I write it down on a
small slip of paper and stick it in that pocket. Before going to bed I
clean out the pocket and see how many things I have forgotten during the
day. This promotes tranquil rest.

The right-hand upper waistcoat pocket is used for wall-paper samples.
Here I keep clippings of all the wallpapers at home, so that when buying
shirts, ties, socks or books I can be sure to get something that will
harmonize. My taste in these matters has sometimes been aspersed, so I
am playing safe.

The right-hand lower waistcoat pocket is used for small change. This is
a one-way pocket; exit only.

The inner pocket of my coat is used for railroad timetables, most of
which have since been changed. Also a selected assortment of unanswered
letters and slips of paper saying, "Call Mr. So-and-so before noon." The
first thing to be done by my heirs after collecting the remains must be
to communicate with the writers of those letters, to assure them that I
was struck down in the fullness of my powers while on the way to the
post office to mail an answer.

My right-hand coat pocket is for pipes.

Left-hand coat pocket for tobacco and matches.

The little tin cup strapped in my left armpit is for Swedish matches
that failed to ignite. It is an invention of my own.

I once intended to allocate a pocket especially for greenbacks, but
found it unnecessary.



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