Syntax For Cynics

A GRAMMAR OF THE FEMININE LANGUAGE

The feminine language consists of words placed one after another with
extreme rapidity, with intervals for matinees. The purpose of this
language is (1) to conceal, and (2) to induce, thought. Very often,
after the use of a deal of language, a thought will appear in the
speaker's mind. This, while desirable, is by no means necessary.

THOUGHT cannot be defined, but it is instinctively recognized even by
those unaccustomed to it.

PARTS OF SPEECH: There are five parts of feminine speech--noun,
pronoun, adjective, verb and interjection.

THE NOUN is the name of something to wear, or somebody who furnishes
something to wear, or a place where something is to be worn. E.g., _hat,
husband, opera_. Feminine nouns are always singular.

THE PRONOUN is _I_.

ADJECTIVES: There are only four feminine adjectives--_adorable, cute,
sweet, horrid_. These are all modified on occasion by the adverb
_perfectly_.

THE VERBS are of two kinds--active and passive. Active verbs express
action; passive verbs express passion. All feminine verbs are irregular
and imperative.

INTERJECTIONS: There are two interjections--_Heavens_! and _Gracious_!
The masculine language is much richer in interjections.

DECLENSION: There are three ways of feminine declining, (1) to say No;
(2) to say Yes and mean No; (3) to say nothing.

CONJUGATION: This is what happens to a verb in the course of
conversation or shopping. A verb begins the day quite innocently, as the
verb _go_ in the phrase _to go to town_. When it gets to the city this
verb becomes _look_, as, for instance, to _look at the shop windows._
Thereafter its descent is rapid into the form _purchase_ or _charge_.
This conjugation is often assisted by the auxiliary expression _a
bargain_. About the first of the following month the verb reappears in
the masculine vocabulary in a parallel or perverted form, modified by an
interjection.

CONVERSATION in the feminine language consists of language rapidly
vibrating or oscillating between two persons. The object of any
conversation is always accusative, e.g., "_Mrs. Edwards has no taste in
hats_." Most conversations consist of an indeterminate number of
sentences, but sometimes it is difficult to tell where one sentence ends
and the next begins. It is even possible for two sentences to overlap.
When this occurs the conversation is known as a dialogue. A sentence may
be of any length, and is concluded only by the physiological necessity
of taking breath.

SENTENCES: A sentence may be defined as a group of words, uttered in
sequence, but without logical connection, to express an opinion or an
emotion. A number of sentences if emitted without interruption becomes a
conversation. A conversation prolonged over an hour or more becomes a
gossip. A gossip, when shared by several persons, is known as a secret.
A secret is anything known by a large and constantly increasing number
of persons.

LETTERS: The feminine language, when committed to paper, with a stub pen
and backhanded chirography, is known as a letter. A letter should if
possible, be written on rose or lemon colored paper of a rough and
flannely texture, with scalloped edges and initials embossed in gilt. It
should be written with great rapidity, containing not less than ten
exclamation points per page and three underlined adjectives per
paragraph. The verb may be reserved until the postscript.

Generally speaking, students of the feminine language are agreed that
rules of grammar and syntax are subject to individual caprice and whim,
and it is very difficult to lay down fixed canons. The extreme rapidity
with which the language is used and the charm and personal magnetism of
its users have disconcerted even the most careful and scientific
observers. A glossary of technical terms and idioms in the feminine
language would be a work of great value to the whole husband world, but
it is doubtful if any such volume will ever be published.

Syntax For Cynics

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