Getting a high grade--standing out from others is good only because it enables and empowers me to be more tender. If I'm not operating at my best, for me personally, it makes me feel like I'm the worst. If I feel like I'm the worst I become a victim. Me, as a victim, is an envious, intractable, and hopeless charachter that can do no good for myself or others. The only way out for me is to overachieve. But with that comes dangerous spirits that will derange my mission.
My mission is to be a person to look up to. I met this persona on the street many times. He is not someone you think of as a gossip buddy. You stand in awe of his willingness to guide others through their obstacles. Unemotional and level headed. Yet something extraordinarily sensitive and special lies within this soul. Achieving this constant state is a challenge because with success comes an impulse to be condesending. Many a time when I''ve reached this altruistic train of thought, it only lasts briefly. Its like holding on to an intoxicating power globe that debriefs all of your deepest motives-- and if something is impure--if something in your heart isn't right--you become oblvious to the world and fall into a grip of madness-- only to come to your seneses and find yourself stuck again between two worlds--your diseased ego and a desire to be something better.
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