Again, an entry of mine. I'm curious to see what you all think of it -- obviously, I was aiming for a tone completely distinct from my last entry.
Here's the latest draft:
Again, an entry of mine. I'm curious to see what you all think of it -- obviously, I was aiming for a tone completely distinct from my last entry.
Here's the latest draft:
Last edited by RobinHood3000; 08-19-2006 at 11:04 AM.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
Oh, you wrote this Robin? Not bad. This was my second choice, and I almost picked it. I should re-read it before I comment, but from what I remember you lost me on the ending. You can get away with one melodramatic moment in such a short story, and the initial premise is somewhat melodramatic, but for her to fall off the cliff it seemed over the top and the whole thing became melodramatic. I did really enjoy it though, it was very engaging, and I liked the weird dislocation of events that kept occuring. I'm not sure how you could have ended it. Waking up as if the whole thing was a dream would have been way worst. Perhaps you would have needed to introduce another character to complicate the situation and found an ending that way, but the word limit would have killed you. Good writing Robin. I think this was a better story than your last.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Well, it wasn't so much a fall as a jump.
I did worry that Eve's decision would be hard to swallow, but I hoped that I'd be able to characterize her so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to see her as volatile (particularly in light of the circumstances).
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
Oh, by the way: I forgot to mention, the last line in bold, "You're cute when you're unconscious," wasn't supposed to be there. It was a typo -- I left it there so I wouldn't forget it while I was doing some tweaking, and I forgot to get rid of it in post-production. By the time I noticed, it was too late.
In short, everything that is written did actually happen.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
Oh I had forgotten. Yes she jumped and I found that incredible. She may have been volitile but there was nothing to suggest suicidal.Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Well, it wasn't so much a fall as a jump
I did worry that Eve's decision would be hard to swallow, but I hoped that I'd be able to characterize her so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to see her as volatile (particularly in light of the circumstances).
What? This was based on a true life story?In short, everything that is written did actually happen.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Hmm...well, I'm not sure how to make it believable. Any suggestions?
No no no -- what I mean is, there's no dreaming, fantasizing, or projecting involved in the storyline. It's told as is, as opposed to non-linearly.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
You mean the suicide? I think you would have had to bring up that personality trait right at the beginning and followed through. But that would have changed her personality.
Oh, silly me.No no no -- what I mean is, there's no dreaming, fantasizing, or projecting involved in the storyline. It's told as is, as opposed to non-linearly.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Yeah, it's hard to peg just what makes a person suicidal -- I wouldn't call it a trait. With regards to her character, I wanted her to be cynical (as opposed to pessimistic or morose) but mercurial enough to swing from extreme to extreme.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
This story was my third favorite. I just really didn't think it was a beleivable story. If she were to jump you'd think that she'd seem a bit unstable throughout the story, but if she were unstable would he still find her attractive? Its a difficult storyline to sell.
A tragic situation exists precisely when virtue does not triumph but when it is still felt that man is nobler than the forces which destroy him.
- Orwell
Read of my Shepherd
Well, I was also hoping that David would seem like the kind of guy who would find a woman attractive based on cup size, regardless of possible mental instability.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
hehe, i think you've reached that aim... i thought the story was by the same person as whozzname Perfect Innocence or something in the first competition... they were both about murder/suicide, so i got fooled...
i liked your story a lot, but I agree that the ending is a bit weird... on the other hand, i found it interesting, because it gives the reader ample opportunity for speculation..... Eve doesn't come across as volatile enough throughout the story though... on the otherhand, .. doesn't the guy get knocked off his horse or something? that kind of prefigures that things aren't going to be all rosy
actually, your story was one of my faves, but i didn't vote for it on the basis of a silly prejudice against thrillers/crime stories/horror etc... nothing to do with the story as such really....
Last edited by SleepyWitch; 01-01-2007 at 03:50 PM.
Eh, the one vote wouldn't have made a difference, anyway...
Actually, I'd hoped that the first few paragraphs would make pretty clear that something terrible would happen at the end of the work.
Dark and stormy nights are underrated… terrible things have happened on days that were otherwise perfectly lovely.
Springtime. Sunny. Clear. Bright, but pleasantly breezy. Hellish.
There’s a certain element of optimism inherent in waking up on a day like yesterday. As often as not, it’s also accompanied by equal parts irony and delusion.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
Okay, I did a little tweaking to try and emphasize the volatility point. How's this?
We rode through the woods silently for about half an hour before we got lost. Another hour later, we were wandering aimlessly through the forest, looking for either the lodge or a cell phone recharging station. My head was bowed, deep in thought. “How to get closer to her… I wonder… maybe if I fell off my horse, then she’d—”
“I’m sorry,” she interrupted aloud, jerking me out of my stupor. She sounded sincere.
“Hmm? Sorry?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m sorry,” she repeated, more curtly this time. Apparently, she’d mistaken my submissive bow for hurt, and my poor hearing for arrogance. “Jesus Christ, do you have to drag it out??” Her head snapped in my direction, suddenly agitated.
“Okay, I apologize, I didn’t mean to… sorry for what?”
She calmed down, suddenly. It was a little eerie, to tell the truth. “For being cruel to you.”
“Can you help it? Or do you prefer to say that it’s your nature, and you can’t be something you’re not?”
“The first one.”
“Oh, well, then, apology accepted.”
“I shouldn’t be judging you when we don’t really know each other that well. For all I know, you could be a real nice guy.”
“Not likely, but unless you’ve been up to Accounting a lot, you can hardly tell.” She laughed. A good sign.
“So… you single?” she asked. The subsequent jolt in my chest caused me to fall from my horse. I landed painfully on a jutting tree root, and she rushed to my side just as I blacked out.
Last edited by RobinHood3000; 07-04-2006 at 11:51 AM.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
I thought this story might have been yours, Robin. Like Virgil and a few others, I think this would have been my second choice. If you want another opinion, I think you should drop the suicide angle altogether. I don't really see how you could change things to make that work. It's way too melodramatic and it doesn't fit the character as you've built her up. She's volatile, yes but not in a suicidal way at all. She comes across much more as the "belle dame sans merci" type to me, in control of everything throughout the story with the hapless confused guy following along. In fact Eve really reminds me more of Kim Novak's character in Hitchcock's Vertigo; the type who might fake suicide and drive him crazy, but would never really go through with it.
I thought the writing itself was good though, and apart from the ending I thought the characters were well drawn and the style compelling. The first line was a good grabber. Keep at it.
Last edited by Petrarch's Love; 07-08-2006 at 06:23 PM.
"In rime sparse il suono/ di quei sospiri ond' io nudriva 'l core/ in sul mio primo giovenile errore"~ Francesco Petrarca
"Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can."~ Jane Austen
Yeah, I really liked the first line and the concept, but my biggest problem when I was plotting the story was trying to come up with precisely WHAT was going to happen at the end. I settled for one of the more terrible things I could think of (please don't ask about the real-life inspiration), but when Eve's character fell into place (I wasn't clear on what she'd be like when I started), it was hard to kill her off convincingly.
Hehe, it's kinda funny being a consistent second choice.
Por una cabeza
Si ella me olvida
Qué importa perderme
Mil veces la vida
Para qué vivir
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