The World Will be A Much Better Place

[Pensive]

The world will be a much better place
You will not find corruption’s trace

There will be no sigh of unemployment
Everyone will get money after retirement

You will not find poverty
There will be no cruelty or brutality

When everyone will get a nice job
Not a single person will ever mock

Actually, no feminist will exist in there
There will be no need for them anywhere

Women will get their right
It will be a very good sight

Children will play and they will chat
They will offer each other a Kit Kat

Everyone will get equal rights
Those who were poor once will fly kites

I will be a scientist and you will be a teacher
We will be able to live without any preacher

The hope is eternal in human’s heart
Don’t panic because it’s just the start

~ Hi everyone! The art of poetry has gripped me firmly now a days. I don't know that why I can't help writing poor poems like this one and then posting them here. *confused*

What are your thoughts about it? Is it any better?

[Aragorn]

frankly speaking, this is not a poem, but a children's song.
if the world is like this, it will be better? i dont think so.
sorrow, as well as happiness, is an equally important part in one's life.
If you don't undergo those things, you will never be mature and find the truth of your life.
one's life is like a river, first you are confined by the banks, you are small and weak, then you fall over waterfalls, you crush on rocks, finally you will reach the sea, your life is mixed with the universe. that's the end.

hey, people living in your neverland will get lazy, which is a sin

And another thing i want to say is. in my opinion, english is not a good language to use while writing peoms.
english is a great language for science cause it is simple and precise. but it has too many principles and grammatical rules, which are limits for your imagination. if the writer is too concerned about these things, he can not express his feeling freely.
in fact, English words have not meaning, taking the word' dictionary' as an example, these 10 letters have not meaning until man assign the meaning 'a book that gives a list of words in alphabetical order and explains their meanings in the same language, or another language' to that word. so in english, you have to align the letters into a particular pattern to make a sentence. Tones, tenses, one need to use all that to express a certain meaning. after all, one needs to use conjunctions all the time. Jack says to Rose,'you jump, i jump.' you don't see too many that knid of sentences in english, as people will get confused.
i have learned English, German and Japanese.
i think chinese and japanese are better languages for poetry than English and German, far better.
Chinese is based on meaning, on feeling, on artistic conception, not on grammar. people learning chinese are always told that there are no grammar in chinese. well, there's a point there, but that's not true.
the core of Chinese is that you have certain rules, but when you fully understand those rules, you can jump out of them and imagine freely.
hehe, i am not pushsell chinese, but i think there's not only one language system on earth. sometime, get a touch with Chinese, Japanese and korean, may not be a bad idea.
seriouly, most of English poems are boring, look like children's songs or scientific researches or argument.
and i don't like shakespeare 's sonnets, so not stylish.

[Pensive]

Thanks Aragorn for sharing your views. First of all, I have not learnt Chinese or japenese.

And second, You say that this world is not better, but it is YOUR point of view, dear. I wrote this poem by my perspective. I think that by unemployment, curruption and poverty's removel world can get better and I have written my poem on my own ideas.

If your ideas of a "better world" are different, then you can write your own poem.

Well, thanks for giving this poem some time.

[Aragorn]

I read this again. i think this one is no better than love will find a way.
in love will find a way, i can picture an image that is so tranquil and breathtaking, while in this poem, i think there are more direct narrative, and less portray.
what you say?

[Pensive]

Aragorn, Thanks for expressing your views but I, personally can't decide that which one I liked better.

I wrote the poems, just to express my thoughts and it is difficult for a poet to choose between his own poetry.

As, to it that there is less portray, I think that I have portrayed as much as I could or I was able to.

[amuse]

Pensive, i like the idealism behind your poetry and your freshness of delivery. and be it a poem or a nursery rhyme, both are marvelous forms of literature.
being female, this line tickled my fancy in particular:

Actually, no feminist will exist in there
There will be no need for them anywhere

perhaps the rest of it was slightly weighty, something about the form/pattern, i felt as if i were trying to make the lines meter well. maybe because each line fed into the other, but not quite-quite. though that's only my view. ignore if you like, 'k?
oh! i think part of it is i was wondering "when?" would the world be a much better place.

keep posting!

[Pensive]

Amuse, Thanks for your kind comments. Yep, I guess that some lines were weighty. You are very right. And, why would I ignore such worth reading comments? I don't mind critical comments as well. They help to improve the writing.

[white camellia]

oh! i think part of it is i was wondering "when?" would the world be a much better place.

D*** good question, amuse! Probably when everyone read and write English Poetry as a great part of their lives ...

Pensive, your lovely and freely expressed lines make us think, and in this regard, can't we say that it is a good poem!

[Pensive]

Thanks camellia.

[miss tenderness]

waw Pensive,very tuoching
hope these dreams come true..

[Pensive]

Oh, I was searching for a certain old thread and came across this one.

I hope too, miss tenderness that these dreams will come true but now, I get the idea, if the dreams will come true then life might not be that interesting and it might seem boring but I can predict nothing...

[spacetoon]

Your peom is picturing the world's madness. I got that by Unemployment, poverty, crulity, brutality.

Unemployment one of the most dangerous things nowaday, because how could the children buy kit kat as you said without money from their father. If the father is not employer, Who would give the children money? In that case, children will turn into theives and that's the base and the begining of the coruption's itself.

Employment = money = our children happieness.