My First Post - Comments Appreciated

[giventofly]

I've been experimenting w/ micro fiction lately and wanted to write a piece with exactly 100 words. Here's what I came up with:

Take Care of It

She called me on a Thursday, sobbing, to tell me that she was pregnant and it was mine. My initial reaction was to suggest that she take care of it. Funny how take care of it and care for it, now have such different meanings. She said that she couldn’t do that.
“Well, what are we going to do then?”
“I don’t know,” she said, “but I can’t do that.”
“Well, we can’t keep it,” I said.
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“What are we supposed to do then?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe we should ask mom and dad.”

[VadimP]

Nice! Although after reading your story I realized what are the major shortcomings of very-very short stories: one anticipates from the very beginning an unexpected turn of events, without which the story cannot be short. This diminishes the effect of surprise. Moreover, the punch-line overshadows the quality of the rest of the story, which start to look so-so.
This is not intended as criticism, but rather my thoughts on the subject.

[nates1984]

Funny how take care of it and care for it, now have such different meanings.

Potential!

It's supposed to be micro, I understand, but one could build a very good paragraph around this one little statement. If you wanted to keep the 100 word limit then I say cut everything else and write the whole story around this statement.

Invoke symbolism and subtlety, I say. Straight-forwardness seems to dilute the deeper meaning of any piece.

[escapologist]

I seem to be the only fan of micro fiction around (everything I've written tends to be very very short indeed) and I find your story quite good. Micro fiction here serves, in my opinion, to underline the impassiveness of the male character and his unwillingness to have anything to do with the situation, which is further emphasised by his observation about the meaning of the two phrases. I think the story needs nothing more.

[Haunted]

The writing is very tight and the language has a professional-grade feel to it. The element of surprise worked for me. Good job!

[giventofly]

thank you guys, for taking the time to share your thoughts. VadimP, I certainly can understand where you're coming from, but one usually has expectations inherent to any genre... you certainly expect a twist in crime/thriller stories, but if done well the fact that you know the twist is coming is overshadowed by the quality of the twist. Not to say mine was that good, just saying experienced readers have expectations no matter what. It's how the writer plays on those expectations that matters. Thank you very much for your insightful comments though.... And to all who have taken the time to comment so far. Keep 'em coming