decadence
it tastes
sweet
then bitter
treats.
too soft
it's touchy
too rough
it's edgy.
gradual
says
fussy
is glad
decadence
desk
is quitting
test
it cannot
tell
the best
from lest.
decadence
it tastes
sweet
then bitter
treats.
too soft
it's touchy
too rough
it's edgy.
gradual
says
fussy
is glad
decadence
desk
is quitting
test
it cannot
tell
the best
from lest.
it may never try
but when it does it sigh
it is just that
good
it fly
I like your poem but think it may benefit from some reworking. Indeed I liked it enough to suggest a revision that might make what I took to be your meaning tighter. I hope you don't mind. I submit my suggestion in the same spirit that students in a poetry writing class might offer editorial suggestions:
decadence
tastes
sweet
then
sour.
first
soft
yields
then
rough
hurts.
soon
fuss
ends.
can’t
test
what’s
best;
now
rest.
If I'm off base I apologize.
Reminds me of a poem one of my students wrote.
Nick I thank you very much for taking time to comment and read.Originally Posted by Nick Capozzoli
I like your editorial suggestion. it is a different version slightly and offers a different outlook from the one I posted.
your version follows my version up to here:
tastes
sweet
then
sour.
first
soft
yields
then
rough
hurts.
then it takes a different outlook from mine here:
fuss
ends.
can’t
test
what’s
best;
now
rest.[/
your poem version suggests decadence ends because it is fussy and does not know what is best.
I like your version because it hits the nail on the head at the end ie it goes straight to the point. and then the word REST follows which offers the reader a feeling of relief. nice! I like it because of this
my version however takes a slight detour at the end in that it introduces two concepts:
'gradual' which is the opposite of what decadence, it emphasises its inconsistency, in that it goes from nice to hurt nice /hurt ie it is ungradual.
and
'fussy' which hypothesise decadence.
and give them a voice to speak out for decadence and say:
is glad
decadence
desk
is quitting
test
it cannot
tell
the best
from lest.
and therefore rule it out that way.
both our versions agree the decadence is nothing but failure.
thank you Nick for your input because it gave me the opportunity to explore other versions on it and I enjoyed it
Last edited by cacian; 10-15-2013 at 05:10 AM.
it may never try
but when it does it sigh
it is just that
good
it fly
Thanks. I struggled with the "desk" reference, which is probably why my revision went astray in the latter part. I liked your poem and really felt that it could be expressed in one syllable (monometric one-beat) lines, a very unusual versification but one that seemed possible for your poem.
It's time someone told you the truth about your "poem." You've put a bunch of words together--all disconnected. Your "poem" doesn't make sense. It's gobbledy gook.
Dostoevsky gives me more than any scientist.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. - Albert Einstein
decadence is gobbled gook you are right on that one.
my poem not to your taste? try your own signature for taste of your own moral.
Last edited by cacian; 10-20-2013 at 02:28 PM.
it may never try
but when it does it sigh
it is just that
good
it fly
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
