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Thread: Make me a Poem

  1. #16
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    In case you're not certain why we're here, the idea is normally to give feedback on the original piece of poetry or prose when it's posted for critique on here rather than comment on each and every response.

    H

  2. #17
    Registered User Caliode's Avatar
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    If you are going to discuss a poem I would thought it was of interest if the writer commented on the comments.
    Last edited by Caliode; 01-08-2013 at 12:26 PM.

  3. #18
    Registered User Caliode's Avatar
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    Value and communication are the keywords. Both dangerous areas as we have seen.
    Last edited by Caliode; 01-08-2013 at 12:27 PM.

  4. #19
    In the fog Charles Darnay's Avatar
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    The issue with too much back and forth on personal poetry is that some (many?) writers tend to get overly defensive and the "discussion" turns from the poem to throwing insults around: cf this and your previous thread.
    I wrote a poem on a leaf and it blew away...

  5. #20
    Registered User Caliode's Avatar
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    Curious that I introduced a little piece on some broad principles of reading

    Now that hardly seems to be insulting, but rather pointing the way forward to establishing some kind of guidelines reading poetry or other literary works.

    The purpose of the thread is to establish how different writers would rework a given set of images or themes or ideas etc,.

    Now that seems to me no different from looking at how people respond to various pieces of poetry not coloured by any preconceptions.
    Last edited by Caliode; 01-08-2013 at 12:44 PM.

  6. #21
    ShadowsCool ShadowsCool's Avatar
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    You gotta have thick skin when you present your writings to the world.
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  7. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caliode View Post
    The purpose of the thread is to establish how different writers would rework a given set of images or themes or ideas etc,.
    Now that seems to me no different from looking at how people respond to various pieces of poetry not coloured by any preconceptions.
    It's more to establish what other writers - presumably at the same level of competence as yourself - think about what you have posted. Peer review.
    The danger with asking others to rework what you have already written is that you might well end up with a poem written by committe. Hardly worth the effort for the OP or those who are invited to add new input.

    By posting your own work on here and assessing the feedback you are at liberty to accept criticisms or stand by your original piece. Defending what you have written is as much a part of being a writer in my opinion as taking criticism graciously.

    Remember - we're not picking fault with you as an individual, only with what you give us here to critique.

    H

  8. #23
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caliode View Post
    Lots of experts on here.

    Images - A long dark lane- a tall skeleton poplar at the end of a long row - above its pointed tip is a hollow, silver disc of a winter moon.

    He paused looking down the lane,
    The trees moving away from his sight;
    And at the end a gaunt silver poplar
    Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon.

    Darkness and shapes of the trees
    And the silver disc in the sky
    Made him shiver in the cold
    As he remembered her that afternoon.



    Write it better.
    Wasn't the current devolution of this discussion somewhat predictable in #1 given the tone? I mean, last night I copied this and held it up in the light of a full moon and saw the words, I dare you! appear after "Write it better." You are obviously capable of more so why waste time arguing over something you must have thought was less than good to begin with.

  9. #24
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    One can only really look at the poem itself and ask does it work or not? What do the majority say in terms of its strengths and weaknesses? By examining the possible issues of the readers is a fools errand as much as it is to examine the unknown poet who wrote it.

    As Hill states you can stand by your work and are not obliged to take on any feedback - I pick and choose what I believe is helpful all the time. Another point worth remembering (and I speak for myself here) is that some of us are better poets than we are critics. Constructive feedback is a skill and as you well know, we are not experts, however I would not so easily discount the reader's POV.

    The main feedback you are receiving atm is that your poetry isn't poetry some much as prose. Nobody is saying you cannot write. I imagine you could do well in the short story section using this style but you will have to develop your writing style for the poetry section for it to be better received.

    I did like the line: And at the end a gaunt silver poplar
    Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon.
    Last edited by Delta40; 01-08-2013 at 03:52 PM.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  10. #25
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    Night Fire
    Or, An Act of Polishing

    He felt he'd walked this poplared, nightlit lane;
    seen the black absence of the restless trees
    that was a negative of fire; its smokeless flames
    flecking the dark sky white.

    He felt that night was running down the lane
    and saw and saw the face in the persistent moon.
    He felt his raw skin burn with each stuck guttural breath
    as he thought of her and he thought of her and he thought of her.


  11. #26
    The Wolf of Larsen WolfLarsen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caliode View Post
    Lots of experts on here.

    Images - A long dark lane- a tall skeleton poplar at the end of a long row - above its pointed tip is a hollow, silver disc of a winter moon.

    He paused looking down the lane,
    The trees moving away from his sight;
    And at the end a gaunt silver poplar
    Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon.

    Darkness and shapes of the trees
    And the silver disc in the sky
    Made him shiver in the cold
    As he remembered her that afternoon.



    Write it better.

    Untitled...
    A long dark line races through your imagination and out into the universe!
    Meanwhile, the Moon is barking at you!

    He looked down the lane of hookers with vaginas as big as the meaning of life!
    The trees were walking away and damaging other people's sight...
    And at the end of the street a gaunt face was eating all the sidewalks & people & buildings...
    And the finger between your legs was pointing at winter...

    Darkness ate the trees and became the shapes of fornicating words in the surrounding blackness...
    And all the evil eyes made him shiver in the coldness of the surrounding human race...
    And he remembered her...

    Copyright 2013 by Wolf Larsen

    Took me 10 minutes. I'm not much into insulting other people. I'm more into creating.
    Last edited by WolfLarsen; 01-08-2013 at 08:18 PM. Reason: Lost my afternoon - anyone seen it?
    "...the ramblings of a narcissistic, self-obsessed, deranged mind."
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    http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr...or=Wolf Larsen

  12. #27
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Just how big is the meaning of life?

    I read all your poems Wolf and I like this one better than most.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  13. #28
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    Night Fire
    Or, An Act of Polishing

    He felt he'd walked this poplared, nightlit lane;
    seen the black absence of the restless trees
    that was a negative of fire; its smokeless flames
    flecking the dark sky white.

    He felt that night was running down the lane,
    and saw and saw the face in the persistent moon.
    He felt his raw skin burn with each stuck guttural breath
    as he thought of her and he thought of her and he thought of her.


    * * *

    Caliode - It would be nice if you would let us know what you think of my re-write of your poem. Thanks in advance.

  14. #29
    Registered User miyako73's Avatar
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    Really? That's all, and I'm not Caliode. Island's imagery is still way better by a mile.
    Last edited by miyako73; 01-12-2013 at 01:50 PM.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

    --Jonathan Davis

  15. #30
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    Why I would 'make you poem?' when rewrite one of my mine. Do your own working.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

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