hi Haunted ..
Nice poem .. i love it
Lovely collections you go !
hi Haunted ..
Nice poem .. i love it
Lovely collections you go !
"He is asleep. Though his mettle was sorely tried,
He lived, and when he lost his angel, died.
It happened calmly, on its own,
The way the night comes when day is done."
The syntax in the first two stanzas, with break awkward and noun article-less ('are necessity') make this as clumpy as those combat boots, which is either a nicely achieved use of form reflecting content, or an example of what is called the 'mimetic fallacy' (eg. that a poem about boredom should itself be boring).
But it's an effective use of synecdoche, the hard-*** boots representing the narrator's defensiveness. And the final metaphor is a brilliant touch. Nice work, Haunted.
Last edited by blank|verse; 12-14-2010 at 04:36 PM.
firefangled I'm blown away with your totally amazing comment, thank you so much!
Hoope so glad you enjoyed it : )
b|v, I gave 'are necessity' some thought but in the end decided to drop the article because it slows down the flow and really doesn't add any meaning to the line. On reading your comment I changed it to plural so it can go without an article. If it sounds clumpy it's not intended. I don't see how else I would change the line breaks so I'll leave it as of now. Thanks for your time, I appreciated your comment!
Last edited by Haunted; 12-15-2010 at 12:25 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I have a bit of a problem with the transition form L2 -L3, but apart from that it's a cracking little poem, Haunted.
Best, H
thanks Hawk, I'm get cracking on the next one
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
A well penned, effective and original take in this, Haunted.
The "posh lip shaped sofa", as well as the last L are really great.
The two lines in the middle render so well the usual feeling of threat from which N decides to rest in S3.
Like B/V I noticed your nice use of synecdoche.
Best from Bar
Bar Thanks so much, the "posh lip shaped sofa" welcomes you and your comment. Cheers!
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I too had to google steve madden and he wasnt what I thought he would be. I love your 48 but so many of your poems are in the 20's in my head with all the class given to that decade and deserving of a screwdiver drinking, screwed up, loved, member of this brown painted room.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Jerry, it's so uncanny that you mentioned the 20s because that's exactly what I have in mind for a poem incubating in my head. I see that you officially moved to 1948. I'll get you a screwdriver.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
of cat and men
in the old world brick fireplace
red tongues hungrily consume
the bitter drafts that sweep
across the family room floor
on the warmed fringe throw rug
a cat and a dog in a world of two
eyes closed in hearty content
as they listen for every crackle
from the homely fire
the calico molds herself
into the side of the basset hound
her man, her rock
below the cherry colored calligraphy
I imagined scripting my own
us, winter 2010
but then you don’t care for
Christmas cards
and I never reached
for the pen
Last edited by Haunted; 12-22-2010 at 02:16 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
I don't think you really mean under the calligraphy? That short 3rd verse is especially moving, and the last verse is very sad (though I think "from anyone" is superfluous information, unless you mean it as a hint that the "basset" has something of an anti-social condition in general).
One imagines the writer identifying herself with the calico cat - and her estranged other half has perhaps been replaced by the bassett hound.
The decision not to write the Christmas card after all - realizing the sentiments would be wasted - is particularly touching.
H
You always touch deeply, especially when pets are involved... "Us, winter 2010" sounds quite self-sufficient, I think! Happy Christmas and new year... (this is not a card, and I hope you do care) Bar
Bar, yes I care!! Thank you so much!
Prince, by "calligraphy" I mean the printed calligraphed greeting card copy. I rephrased it, hope it's clearer now. The "basset" isn't anti-social (your reference managed to extract a chuckle from me despite the prevailing sadness). "From anyone" is to say that the "cat" is just anyone to him and not someone special, whether it's really the case or only self-perceived. I added that as an afterthought, it was not in the original version. I'm going with your comment and have taken it out.
Hill, estranged indeed. How did you know? Your psychic abilities is amazing. It's one of those "based on a true story" story, sigh. No dog replacement. She already has a "guy" cat that shares some characteristics with a dog, namely drinking from the toilet.
Last edited by Haunted; 12-22-2010 at 01:40 PM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
My psychic abilities are purely down to your skill as a writer in conveying the context... and for a moment there I thought you were inferring the cat shares the toilet-drinking habits of the estranged one! :-)
H
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