Parental Advice

[Maryd.]

I grew up in a single parent home and the only drugs discussed with me were - How's the headach and how many Disprins (Apsrin) did you take today?

[Maximilianus]

My parents never talked to me about alcohol, smoking, drugs or sex. I guess I was (and still am) so boring they had no need to

I would rather say you've been smart (not boring) and they noticed it. After all, our parents are supposed to know us better than anyone else

I learned about all these things at school and of course from books and newspapers and other sources by myself. My parents never talked about these things, they just showed good example and said nothing (neither of my parents smoke, my father is a teetotaller, and my mother drinks rarely and never much).

My parents did talk to me, but they also encouraged me to develop a brain of my own. Most of all, I'd rather say I've been trained to be a free man and my freedom turned me into a teetotaller

My situation is more or less like this. I firmly believe that if parents educate their children well enough and expose them to sources of information, then they'll learn by themselves. Must be such an awkward conversation, that about 'risk behaviours' or whatchacallem.

Oh, probably, I believe, it wouldn't be so awkward a conversation if in the middle of it someone explains WHY some behaviors can be risky

My parents are very clever. I don't drink (at all), and my parents keep on trying to make me drink - maybe I don't drink because they encouraged me to try alcohol when the time was ripe. My rebellious (?) teenageness told me to do the opposite of what the parental authority tried to impose on me, and now I'm a boring vice-free young man who must explain to everyone he meets at parties why he doesn't drink (something that even I don't quite know for sure).

Sometimes when I was a teenager, I recall my parents telling me that a bit of alcohol does no harm and could even be healthy, but by that time I already had a brain of my own, so I didn't want to try it, because I was already a free man and my freedom was telling me that it didn't feel like trying alcohol. So my freedom was rather whimsical, I must say
And after very few attempts, having seen I was a lost case, they ceased to insist

I don't drink either, and I also always have to explain WHY. I just don't understand why it is so hard to accept that someone doesn't drink alcohol. Why is it normal, acceptable, and even desirable to get drunk at parties and possibly to make a fool of oneself and it's always the one who is sober who's called the freak and has to explain their behaviour?

"Normal" people are like that. According to their eyes, I am a "freak" too and I never explained why. Generally I never explain any single one of my behaviors because, as I said before, I am a free man. As free as I am, I choose to explain only what I feel like explaining, which is almost nothing if someone should ever ask me why I am what I am while they are what they are, as though they were telling me they are right while I am wrong. Even if I were wrong to be sober, I wouldn't explaining "such a wrong choice", because I'm free to carry out the whim of not explaining my sobriety, as they are free to swallow every liquid that fits in their mouths. On the other hand, I could be willing to explain my sober freedom, but only when asked nicely

Beats the hell out of me! I've heard it has to do with social bonding...

My opinion is that social bonding sucks! I need no bond to someone who'd be constantly telling me that if I don't do what they do, they'd be "normal" and I'd be "freak". People who openly call themselves "normal" are deadly dangerous and should be watched all the time. As far as I've seen, they can well become an enemy.

[Annamariah]

Beats the hell out of me! I've heard it has to do with social bonding. But I really don't know, I've even done some research on it.

My opinion is that social bonding sucks! I need no bond to someone who'd be constantly telling me that if I don't do what they do, they'd be "normal" and I'd be "freak". People who openly call themselves "normal" are deadly dangerous and should be watched all the time. As far as I've seen, they can well become an enemy.

I've noticed that whenever I'm somewhere where people drink (which doesn't happen very often), "Why don't you drink?" seems to be the only thing people want to know about me. A while back I was in a party where almost everyone else was drunk, and a guy came to talk to me. The first question was "Excuse me, but have you drunk anything tonight?". I told him I hadn't (except some water). The next guestion was "Do you usually stay sober when you party?". I told him I don't usually go to parties, but that I do usually (well, always) stay sober. Then he of course asked me why, and we discussed about it for a while. It's just somehow so typical... There are only two questions people ask me at parties. One is "Why aren't you drinking?" and the other is "Are you okay?". I guess I just look so miserable at parties of that kind, never fitting in

I don't mind being asked why I don't drink, but I do mind when people don't find my answers satisfactory. I don't think it's my duty to explain my behaviour in such a way, so it's annoying when people keep insisting I should try alcohol anyway even after I've told them why I don't want to. I don't like the fact I have to be defensive about the whole thing, as if it was wrong to be sober

[Hurricane]

I can't remember my parents ever really talking to me about drugs or alcohol when I was younger. More recently, the party-line has been "We would like for you to never do drugs or drink before age 21, but you're over 18 so there's nothing we can really do about it." Tobacco was an unspoken no-go: my uncle and grandfather both died from smoking-related illnesses when I was little, so needless to say I never saw the appeal.
I've never done drugs and I'm essentially a nondrinker. Part of the reason for me was that while many of my friends drank/did drugs, I never really thought it was "worth it". There's a lot I could lose (kicked out of school, lose possibility of career I want, etc.) by being caught with drugs or drinking underage, and it's just not worth the risk.

[Maximilianus]

I've noticed that whenever I'm somewhere where people drink (which doesn't happen very often), "Why don't you drink?" seems to be the only thing people want to know about me. A while back I was in a party where almost everyone else was drunk, and a guy came to talk to me. The first question was "Excuse me, but have you drunk anything tonight?". I told him I hadn't (except some water). The next question was "Do you usually stay sober when you party?". I told him I don't usually go to parties, but that I do usually (well, always) stay sober. Then he of course asked me why, and we discussed about it for a while. It's just somehow so typical... There are only two questions people ask me at parties. One is "Why aren't you drinking?" and the other is "Are you okay?". I guess I just look so miserable at parties of that kind, never fitting in

If you are not like them you'll never fit in, that's why I never go to parties. If I did, I'd have to explain myself for not fitting in. Explaining myself is something I seldom do, unless I have a very good reason. That reason could probably be someone drunk asking me why I'm not drunk myself, but only if I care a whole lot about that person so as to make them see what advantages sobriety has over drunkenness. Only in such a case would I invest some explanation to try to help someone rehab or something alike. Otherwise, I'd rather find an event where I can fit in such a way that I have to explain nothing, where I know that people are similar to me

Besides, the same would happen in a place where everyone is sober and only one drunk guy is there talking nonsense; he would never fit in, and very probably, he'd get a few scornful looks from the rest of the sober audience

I don't mind being asked why I don't drink, but I do mind when people don't find my answers satisfactory. I don't think it's my duty to explain my behaviour in such a way, so it's annoying when people keep insisting I should try alcohol anyway even after I've told them why I don't want to. I don't like the fact I have to be defensive about the whole thing, as if it was wrong to be sober

Life is a battlefield and as such, we need to be defensive all the time. My dear Anna, you are a Scandinavian!!! Just do what a Valkyrie would: stop explaining your sobriety, unsheathe your sword, and start beheading some drunken fellows

my uncle and grandfather both died from smoking-related illnesses when I was little, so needless to say I never saw the appeal.

Then the next generation of your family, that is you, got smarter, which means evolution worked its way. Good for you for being smarter, more evolved, or whatever we call it!

I've never done drugs and I'm essentially a nondrinker. Part of the reason for me was that while many of my friends drank/did drugs, I never really thought it was "worth it". There's a lot I could lose (kicked out of school, lose possibility of career I want, etc.) by being caught with drugs or drinking underage, and it's just not worth the risk.

Good for you again! It's important to watch a course of action and its consequences, and after that, choose to take a different path by the mere exercise of our right to choose, instead of letting someone else choose for us just for the sake of being tuned in with them. As long as you keep a mind of your own, you're gonna be fine

[Zee.]

haha you don't need to drink at parties. I'm not a big drinker, all of my friends are, + a few of them do drugs - each to their own.

I understand what you're saying Anna, it's just hard for people to understand because it is somehow foreign to them. Also, there are a lot of stupid people in this world, sometimes you got to remember that the next time someone asks you why you don't do drugs/drink.

[Maximilianus]

Also, there are a lot of stupid people in this world

Oh, that's so true that I've reached the point of wondering about the spaceship that could fly them to another world

[Annamariah]

Life is a battlefield and as such, we need to be defensive all the time. My dear Anna, you are a Scandinavian!!! Just do what a Valkyrie would: stop explaining your sobriety, unsheathe your sword, and start beheading some drunken fellows

So THAT'S what I should have been doing all this time, dammit! I knew that something was amiss... Now I just need to find my sword, dress in robes and then I can start my mission

(Do you think the police will understand when I tell them I just did what I had to do when people started to ask me stupid questions?)

---

Yeah, world is full of stupid people. It's too bad that ignoring them all would leave one pretty much alone

[Maximilianus]

So THAT'S what I should have been doing all this time, dammit! I knew that something was amiss... Now I just need to find my sword, dress in robes and then I can start my mission

See? I figured out the solution to your problem all by myself

(Do you think the police will understand when I tell them I just did what I had to do when people started to ask me stupid questions?)

Oh, they'd better understand, for if they don't, you're going to have to behead them too Moreover, it's totally inadvisable to leave witnesses alive, so take those down as well ...

Yeah, world is full of stupid people. It's too bad that ignoring them all would leave one pretty much alone

That is SO TRUE! There's an overpopulation of them and an underpopulation of the few of us

We can fortunately accompany each other in a virtual way, which is better than nothing

[Scheherazade]

The OP:

I was watching some show the other day, the kids knew by rote some drug facts about a basketball player that tried drugs once and he died from it. Now obviously the parent had been talking about the subject and advising against it actively. I'm assuming the parents did the same about everything else - drinking, sex, etc... Here's my question: As a kid did your parents talk about these issues? And if they did did you listen?

I don't want this to be a debate about legality or morality I'm just wondering how effective parental guidance is vs. peer pressure. Ohhhh, another question - How great was the peer pressure to do things you knew your parents wouldn't like?

[TurquoiseSunset]

My parents never really discussed any of that. They trusted me and I was never much of a 'rebel'. Even when I did things I wasn't supposed to I approached them in an almost scientific way, haha. I started smoking when I was 18, but only for a while. I just wanted to see what it was like. I started drinking when I was about 16 or so. I've never been someone who's gone out to get drunk though. I don't see the point. I've never done any drugs. It scares me, because I've heard and seen first hand what it does to people. Yes, I could have tried something once or twice, just to see what it was about, but I really didn't want to risk it. It wasn't worth it for me.

My peer goup, so to speak, was always quite relaxed. I never felt pressured into smoking, drinking, taking drugs or having sex. It was all up to me. I felt more pressure to be dressed and look a certain way, than do things like that... girls, tsk.

[Buh4Bee]

Nothing was discussed with me and I did everything.

[qimissung]

My parents never really discussed anything with me. I think most everything I did they would not have wanted me to do. But I did it anyway. Once I got to college.

The peer pressure to do anything was not great. Except pot. This was the 70's. Everyone did it. Even some of my professors. I suppose I could have said no, but it never crossed my mind.

[Buh4Bee]

Peer pressure is a very hard thing to say no to, especially if you are dating someone you care about. I was in HS when my boyfriend gave me pot. I probably wouldn't have been such a pot head, if I didn't run with the pothead crowd. I was wild, but I wasn't necessarily attracted to drugs, just being able to be a "free spirit". My point being, that if I didn't want to please this guy, I'd never succumb to the pressure. I think children and teenagers benefit from the discussion, because it gives them specific guidelines and confidence to say no thank you.

[qimissung]

Yes, I think it's good to bring stuff up, although it never seemed to help my kids at the time. I have heard that we also tend to hang out with people who are similar in interests and outlook. I mean, that's true in general, so why wouldn't it also be true when were teenagers, whatever kind of teenagers we happened to be?

And how does a parent help/combat that?

hehe, I'm watching "Bad Teacher." "Hold it in." "Blow it out." "Hold it in." "Blow it out."