I thought I would put the Christ into Christmas,
I nailed grandma to the wall
with tinsel coloured six inch nails
in case she should happen to fall.
I poured a bottle of red,
Jimmy asked if it was blood of the son.
I knew it was bloody cheap,
I got it two for one.
Uncle Arthur smoked indoors
his annual Café Crème,
like the three wise Magi,
who chuffed away, in Bethlehem.
My cousin, Mary, is up the duff
she says it’s a virgin birth,
but she moans so loud in the park, after dark
there is never any peace on earth.
We had fresh fish for lunch,
I buy only one as a rule
but I did a bit of sleight of hand
and soon we had a school.
The family all gathered for confession
just after our miracle lunch,
Dad ‘fessed screwing aunty Vera.
Mum always had a hunch.
I hokey cokeyed with Santa
he chuckled as I confessed,
of all the invented, that don’t exist
it's him I love the best.
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