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Thread: One, Two & Three

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    One, Two & Three

    My jesters bag rises in colour
    and the bells that tinkle
    when I cycle,
    drown all opinion.

    Pity I move so fast
    past the feelings of others
    like a runaway concrete mixer.

    Only half of me is truly wet
    while I ponder out loud,
    exist in a self-made stone circle
    and analyse dots that don't connect

    No foundation




    She didn’t think
    But she liked to drink
    Rhymes weren’t the way to go.
    No bra strap watched her back
    Or even a doll.

    She didn’t thunk
    They said she stunk
    She wasn’t poetry in motion.
    No pads when she bled
    Or pants to wear.

    She didn’t thank
    She often sank
    Into the world of words.
    When she was raped
    She razed her mind.




    Take these stuffed bags to the tip
    They’re too heavy for me to carry now.

    You would have walked me down the aisle
    But I need your truck instead.

    All that white chiffon and lace
    It floats like childish romantic dreams.

    Mind the scavenging seagulls when you get there
    And the awful stench of everydayness.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
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    Hi Delta: Something of a mixed bag... I like the 1st and 3rd offerings, although in the first one, exactly what, "My jesters bag rises in colour" is intended to convey leaves me groping a bit and I'm not sure what only being half wet has to do with anything. "No foundation" tacked onto the end doesn't really achieve a great deal.

    The third one is extremely well realised except for, "But I need your truck instead." it doesn't flow logically from the preceding line or lead naturally into the first line of the next stanza.

    Not so keen on number 2. Thunk and stunk aren't working for me at all, I'm afraid. Overall it's too fractured for my taste, though it conveys revulsion, resentment and bitterness very effectively.

    Live and be well - H

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks Hawk. All written on the spur of the moment I'm afraid. I agree about No. 2 but it's staying the way it came out.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Am happy to be back here for a moment again and to enjoy your poetry! I especially loved the third poem, the last line of which, incidently, explains my long absence...

    Best of all as always,

    Bar

  5. #5
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Bar! So lovely to hear from you again. I hope to read an expression of your long absence shortly...
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  6. #6
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    All of them BTW I just read on another thread that you are middle class. I would have swore you were with us working lot ..
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 05-18-2013 at 07:49 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    On earnings only. I'm poverty stricken in every other way I assure you...
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    On earnings only. I'm poverty stricken in every other way I assure you...
    LOL
    How about giving me your earnings then in exchange for all my richness in everything else.

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafolini View Post
    LOL
    How about giving me your earnings then in exchange for all my richness in everything else.
    Mmm. My sense of humour is richer than yours... :-)
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  10. #10
    Left 4evr Adolescent09's Avatar
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    I'm going to be brutally honest and if you choose to dismiss what I say so be it, but I'm not window-dressing anything as I do most of the time.

    I didn't care for any of them. Word choice was weak, metaphors were either too abstract to be interpreted or simply made no sense, rhymes were forced (although I'm absolutely positive that was intentional, especially 'thunk' with 'stunk'/'thank' with 'sank', even as comedic poetry it was quite insipid). If you were aiming for humour you were nowhere near the mark and if you were bored then that is what the "write a bad poem" game was made for in this category.
    My hide hides the heart inside

  11. #11
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adolescent09 View Post
    I'm going to be brutally honest and if you choose to dismiss what I say so be it, but I'm not window-dressing anything as I do most of the time.
    Oh. Is today your day off?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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