Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Lifelines

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    9

    Lifelines

    How taut, really
    Is the thread between two souls
    Which can be released
    With the slightest movement
    Which must be unraveled
    All mine heart strings
    Are intricately woven
    The other end loosely held
    Easily let go, without a thought
    Leaving a constricted mess
    Of loose ends

    I appeal to Emerson
    To do me a favor
    Light a path in the direction
    Of where the individualists meet
    Those who show a commonplace face
    But whose hearts play the tune
    Of that familiar string
    The one of iron, not thread
    It matters not who lets go
    We are forever entwined
    Isn't it funny, how day by day,
    Nothing changes,
    But when you look back,
    Everything is different

  2. #2
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    10,145
    Blog Entries
    4
    A bit contrived. Leaving a constricted mess / Of loose ends is good. Didn't get the Emerson thing. It's not clicking yet. Do move on and keep writing. Someday it will all come together.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    9
    Thanks for your feedback. The Emerson part was in reference to a quote in his Self Reliance "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string"
    Isn't it funny, how day by day,
    Nothing changes,
    But when you look back,
    Everything is different

  4. #4
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    10,145
    Blog Entries
    4
    The danger with quoting others inside your own work is, it demands too much of the reader to connect the dots. I studied a lot but remember nothin'. And even as you explained it, I still have to make the connection and that's a lot of work and most people dont' have the patience. My point is, it's a nice intellectual exercise, but move on to something less abstract and less reliant on prior knowledge. I think the imagery is too convoluted for the poem to be fully appreciated. This piece can also be pared down, I think there's too much going back and forth, making it more complicated and confusing than it needs to be.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •