A tingle
In my core
Where you planted affection
It felt as a tidal bore
Unprecedented
A sensational maiden voyage
Far from perfection
Yet perfect in its own way
It grew
In me .. on me
A bit by bit
And I knew
That I should submit
To this potent weakness
Unknowingly
It matured, becoming real
Overwhelmingly gripping
Like hands of steel
Devouring my essentiality
Making me you
I like this piece. I feel the message. 'A tingle in my core' great line. Nice job indeed.
Thank you Bob. I'm glad you like it.
I usually don't understand most of the Entries in this Personal Poetry section, but this one stands out.. Very well written,, nice flow.. and especially the last line, "Making me you" is too good....! All the best for your future works...
It felt as a tidal bore. What is the 'it?' The tingle or the affection? What is it bearing? I'm a little confused about the line because it doesn't seem to have any meaning.
Did you throw in this line just so it would rhyme with A tingle in my core? Could you explain it for me please.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Krishna, thank you for your comment truly appreciate it.
Delta, the “it” is the tingle; I meant that although slight, this tingle felt as strong as a tidal bore, when the wave or water rushes there is force and strength. Hope it makes sense to you.
Originally Posted by BlackPearl
Hi!
Nasty guy here. No, seriously, real nasty piece of work here.
This is quite awful.
"It felt like" (not "is") would be the right phrasing in L3. Not that a tighter grasp on the correct usage of comparative conjuncts would have salvaged this infuriatingly poor simile. A tidal bore? You've met my ex-wife, haven't you?
Clichés, then, bit off parts of my person, like a quasi-poetic Mike Tyson. Maiden voyage. Far from perfection. Perfect in its own way. It grew on me. A bit by bit. Don't you mean just "bit by bit"? Never mind. It matured. Christ. Can't even imagine what it was like before it did all that.
Setting bold typeface says: "I want to say this quite emphatically, but the only way I can do it is to put it in bold typeface." Don't do that.
"Essentiality" is not a word. It's an abomination. "Essence" is a word. "Read more poetry before writing more poetry" is seven words. Heed them.
Nasty guy signing off. I've got puppies to shoot.
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
I see some of your points but is it really that awful?
Anyway thanks for the advice DocHeart.
When writing poetry, you still need to consider grammatic structure which leaves me wondering whether you were driven more by rhyme than anything else. Although you say 'it' is the tingle you have superseded that notion by mentioning affection so it could just as easily be that which you are referring to. Does that make sense?
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Maybe it isn't *that* awful. But nasty people like me will say it is. Hope you can handle it. Now, back to killing new-born dalmatians...
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Thanks Delta, yes it does make sense.
DocHeart, I appreciate it.
Have you spotted any?
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote