Our house is dark, this winter day.
Family feels, so far away.
The hearth is cold, and feelings fade.
Our rooms echo, with past days.
Searching for warmth, unrequited,
stuck in this cold valley.
We're in the dark, stumbling rocks,
no stars to guide us.
All are hurt, a pointless loss.
How far from now, the pinnacle?
When from now, the summertime?
Last edited by CarlyleLake; 12-09-2012 at 11:24 PM. Reason: updated effort
No comments at all?
It's a little difficult to find anything to say about this.
Firstly, the rhyme in verse 1 is rather monotonous and detract from the image you're trying to paint of a house empty of family feelings.
Secondly, the two verses that follow don't make a lot of sense:
We're in the dark, stumbling rocks,
no stars to guide us.
All are hurt, a pointless loss.
Where do the rocks fit in? who are the 'all' who are hurt (and how were they hurt)? and what or even why is there 'a pointless loss'?
Then we have a 'pinnacle' - followed by an incomprehensible line featuring the 'summertime'.
And to confuse us even further the title seems to bear no relation to the poem. That's probably why most of your readers were lost for words.
H
I agree with Hillwalker's comment re. the first verse, it tells us the house is empty but doesn't convey the emptiness of feeling I assume you're after. (Is the comma after "family feels" deliberate? The comma encourages us to pause in our reading and I'm wondering - why?) It is a scene setting verse but needs clearer metaphors (perhaps) to involve us in the feeling. As it is I'm a mere observer.
Verse 2 - again I have an understanding of what you're saying that works for me but there are too many unresolved questions. Line 1, suggests you're bestowing warmth (how else is it unrequited?), presumably toward your family(?) The 'cold valley' line seems out of tune with the house image that set the scene. It seems to me as if it's an inclusion to set against the 'pinnacle' later; I think it needs a more carefully crafted inclusion.
The next 3 lines hint of troubles: 'rocks', the lack of light from the stars and the fact "all are hurt" - but I don't feel engaged with the problems, I'm left to wonder about what the "pointless loss" is.
The finale you convey feelings of hopefulness but from a helpless perspective rather than constructive which left me with a downbeat feel.
Hope you find this constructive. Good luck.
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