The Life and Death of a Coward

[Nikhar]

This conveys your purpose. Obviously, he's the coward. But there is a difficult problem that doesn't get resolved. You are capable of sacrificing your baby, your son and yoursef and you want to sell the idea that it is all in the name of not taking anyone's life. And on top of it, you want to be the coward? Is it not so?

Hi, first of all thanks for reading the story.
As I thought more and more about the plot, I wanted it to be character driven. She was inherently a coward. That's why she endured her husband for this long. She wanted to kill him then at the hospital but her courage once again deserted her. The reason that she could even make an attempt at taking his life was because of her children. Only she couldn't go through with it.

Dear Nikhar,
We learn that the son is at his father's bedside in hospital, and then suddenly he comes in. How long has it been? The mother starts her monologue by wishing that the son "manages everything in the hospital" (what is it that he has to manage exactly?), giving the impression that we won't see him for a while. And then, in the next paragraph, he appears. How long does the mother's monologue last? It feels to me as though a whole paragraph is missing here, one to take me from one scene to the next, making me aware of the passage of time. It doesn't need to be a long paragraph, either. Words are magical. A few of them can make the reader feel many hours have elapsed. Something along the lines of "Such were the thoughts that accompanied her gentle rocking of Lali's crib. They persisted through the early evening, as she watched her daughter sleep calmly."

Hi DocHeart, firstly thanks a lot for reading the story and taking the time to comment on it.
Yes, I see what you mean and I agree that its a completely valid point. In fact, when I was writing it I thought that this might be a problem but I just couldn't come up with the right words at the time. Thanks for pointing it out.

There is another thing that bugs me about this monologue. When it starts, I'm imagining the mother talking quietly as she cares for her daughter. When she refers to the daughter in the third person ("I had to feed Lali, too"), I'm completely thrown. Who is she talking to? This would have been much smoother had she said "I had to feed you, too" instead. As it is, it's another thing that makes me go hey wait, what's going on here?

Actually she was thinking and not actually speaking. Maybe I should've put it without quotes and italicized it.

There are also a couple of points where sentences sound clumsy, written in a hurry without ever being revisited for a quick edit. I found this the most jarring:




Too many legs, man! Think how much more pleasant this would have been to read if you had gone back and edited some limbs out:

He was breathing, but only barely. His body was heavily bandaged except his legs. Funnily enough, though, they looked the worst. They were badly scarred, and there was a grisly purple blotch beneath the knee on one of them.

Yes, your sentence indeed sounds much better.

And in the end, I don't quite understand the happy ending. She tries to kill him but can't go through with it. Fine so far. And then, in the next paragraph, she wheels him out of the hospital with a smile on her face. What did I miss? Did he become aware of her attempt to murder him? Did this make him fear what she's capable of? I would have thought that such a bully would be doubly angered after such a challenge to his reign and come back worse than ever. What is it that happens to change him? And why won't you tell us?

Yes, he did become aware of her attempt. I thought the following lines in the story made that clear.

For a moment, as he looked at her, his eyes had malice and hate. Then they travelled from her hands, which had the mask to her face, which was calm. The eyes grew wide and for the first time she saw fear in them.

Why did he improve and not become worse than before? He did not have legs anymore. He was crippled for life and dependent on others.

She smiled as she pushed the wheelchair into the bright sunny morning.

I had meant this last line to convey a lot indirectly. I don't know the term for it (metaphor? allegory?). 'She pushed the wheelchair' had meant to imply how she now had a hold over her husband and how she now controlled him and how her husband was now dependent on her. 'Into the bright sunny morning' was a maybe cliched reference to her new bright life.
But I guess maybe it was too vague.

In all, I think this has the potential to become much, much better. You have the makings of a very decent story here. Just going over it again once and making a few edits would improve it. I hope you do it, and share the result with us.

Thank you again for sharing, Nikhar. And please, don't misunderstand my criticism -- I did enjoy your story, and hope to read more from you soon.

Best regards,
DH

I'll sure revise it and then bug you once again for your comments.

And thanks a lot again for your response.

[Jack of Hearts]

Nikhar,

Having come at this piece no less than four times now, this reader has decided he will not freelance you a critique. But, if you'd like, he will discuss this piece with you and/or attempt to answer any questions you pose about it- either here in the thread or through PM.






J

[mona amon]

Hi Nihar!

I liked your story the best, and voted for it. I think it's really good, especially the optimistic ending (as optimistic as it can be for a woman in her circumstances). However, I don't have any idea how to do a 'criticism' so I won't try that.

Keep writing, Good Luck!

[Nikhar]

Nikhar,

Having come at this piece no less than four times now, this reader has decided he will not freelance you a critique. But, if you'd like, he will discuss this piece with you and/or attempt to answer any questions you pose about it- either here in the thread or through PM.






J

Thanks for reading the story Jack.

Hi Nihar!

I liked your story the best, and voted for it. I think it's really good, especially the optimistic ending (as optimistic as it can be for a woman in her circumstances). However, I don't have any idea how to do a 'criticism' so I won't try that.

Keep writing, Good Luck!

Thanks a lot for reading the story mona. I'm glad you liked it.