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Thread: A Life

  1. #1
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    A Life

    In 1992 I am born, in a south-east asian island; Singapore. It was in the Mount Elizabeth hospital. That hospital on a green hill were there is a small garden with orchids and white chairs. At the age of 14, I moved from Singapore to South Africa and completed my schooling there. I went to a school that used to be an old British fort, in the days of colonialism.

    For university I went to Bath, in England, just south-west of That eternal town with that Roman river. After three years I left without a degree. I began to wander, and I found something.

    I died in the month of september, at the age of 23. In a hotel in a northern province of China, I used a gun to end it.

    No. I died at 26. I was killed in a battle, fighting for a cause. Not for freedom nor liberty did I fight and kill and die. It was because of boredom. A firing squad killed me. I saw him die first.

    When I was 17 I fell in love for the first time with a German girl, in that November I awoke to life as well. I lived for 9 years. There was only that Love in my life. But it was a good one.

    I lost and did many things on the way, but I died content. Knowing that every human being that has ever lived and every human being that shall ever live, did what I did that day. All of them in their own way, but we all did it and shall do it. And that September morning was just one day in all the days that will ever be. And my life was just one, amongst the countless lives that have ever been and shall ever be. I don't know what happened to that German girl.

    I think I smiled.

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    Registered User Darcy88's Avatar
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    I think its quite good. Your style is crisp and a real pleasure to read.

    I hate this line though and think it out of place.

    But it was a good one.
    It seems very anti-climactic, kind of a low note, and even if that's on purpose I think a better choice of words could produce a much more powerful effect. Something like "But that one love was grand" or something to that effect.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Darcy88 View Post
    I think its quite good. Your style is crisp and a real pleasure to read.

    I hate this line though and think it out of place.



    It seems very anti-climactic, kind of a low note, and even if that's on purpose I think a better choice of words could produce a much more powerful effect. Something like "But that one love was grand" or something to that effect.
    Thanks Darce, glad for your honest opinion.

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    Registered User Darcy88's Avatar
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    I can see this as a prologue to a much longer work. It seems to hint at so much.

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    I like it, there's a tone of gently resigned pride to it, crisp prose... would keep reading if it were the introduction to something longer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bonsai Ent View Post
    I like it, there's a tone of gently resigned pride to it, crisp prose... would keep reading if it were the introduction to something longer.
    Yes, I was going for the gently resigned pride, glad that came across well - when I wrote it I did not so much think of it as a prologue or epilogue so much as a thing in and of it's self, like a doodle on the back of a notebook.

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    The Wolf of Larsen WolfLarsen's Avatar
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    This is great writing!
    "...the ramblings of a narcissistic, self-obsessed, deranged mind."
    My poetry, plays, novels, & other stuff on Amazon:
    http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr...or=Wolf Larsen

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    Quote Originally Posted by WolfLarsen View Post
    This is great writing!
    As always I am appreciative of your voice, it is nice to have a consistent fan, does marvells for one's ego hehehe

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    BadWoolf JuniperWoolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Darcy88 View Post
    Something like "But that one love was grand" or something to that effect.
    Too flowery.
    __________________
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    -Pi


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    Quote Originally Posted by JuniperWoolf View Post
    Too flowery.
    Sorry I didnt see this before, but yes, I thought the change would make it too flowery as well.

  11. #11
    Registered User Darcy88's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexander III View Post
    Sorry I didnt see this before, but yes, I thought the change would make it too flowery as well.
    I'll be sure to strike the word "grand" from my vocabulary.

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